EXTRACTS FROM THE LIVES OF SUNDRY EMINENT PERSONS.

THE LIFE OF MR. THOMAS WILSON. CHAPTER 1: His Birth, Education at School and University.

THOMAS WILSON was born at Catterlen in Cumberland, in the year 16O1. His parents were sober and honest, and of a competent estate. As soon as his age would permit, he was sent to School at Blentow, in the said county; where, under MR. WILKINSON, his School-master, he profited beyond expectation, and far excelled all his fellows.

His great proficiency at School, encouraged his parents to send him to the University before he was seventeen; where, at CHRIST's College in Cambridge, he devoted himself wholly to his study: And though he did employ his time most there, about academical learning; yet he did not neglect Divinity; but in order to his serving GOD in the Ministry, (if He saw fit,) read both positive and polemical authors: But of all books, none was so dear to him, or read so much by him, as the Holy Scriptures; for as the great Apostle says of TIMOTHY, I may say of him, From a child he knew the Holy Scriptures, which are able to make men- wise to salvation."

Some time after he had commenced Bachelor of Arts, he was removed from the University. MR. JonN BRISTOW, Minister, of Chawswood in Surrey, desired MR. MEAD (that eminent person for piety and learning) his Tutor, to send him an able religious Scholar, to teach school in his house MR. MEAD pitched upon MR. WILSON, not knowing how to please MR. BRISTOW better, and glad he could answer his request so well.

At MR. BRISTOW's he continued four years, instructing the lads committed to his charge, with great diligence and faithfulness; and gave his scholars more cause to bless God for their education under him, than SOCRATES did PLATO for his bringing up under such a master. He has sometimes told me, that he knew no calling, except the Ministry, wherein a man might be so serviceable to GOD, as in teaching youth. And it is clear, that often lads are made men at school; if there they suck in ill principles, it will be hard to remove them; if good, they continue with them. But MR. BRISTOW observing MR: WILSON'S ability for a greater work, and how his heart was set upon the Ministry, (to prepare himself for which he made use of all his vacant hours from the school) did not judge it convenient to deprive the church any longer of so worthy a laborer; and therefore though it were a considerable loss to himself and his parish, to forego so good a man, yet he preferred the public advantage to his own, and wished MR. WILSON to betake himself wholly to preach.

CHAPTER 2

His Living in Surrey and Hampshire,

and Journey into Cumberland.

THE first candlestick in which this light was set, was Capel -in Surrey, where he continued some time, directing others by his holy pattern and diligent preaching. Though the parish gave him little or nothing for his pains, yet he was never the less faithful and laborious, for1 he sought not theirs, but them." Here he had the love of all godly persons, both Ministers and people round about; and indeed by his heavenly humble conversation, he was such a loadstone, as wherever he came he drew the hearts of saber Christians after him.

He continued not long at Capel, but removed to Farlington in Hampshire, an ignorant heathenish place, which he endeavored, so long as he stayed with them, to instruct and reform. Though there was little of religion in his parishioners, yet whilst he abode there the Church was

much frequented, and when he was called thence he was much bewailed.

His next change was to Teddington, near Kingston-upon Thames, in which place he continued some years, and through the blessing of GOD with great success, and much acceptance amongst them that feared the LORD. During his abode at Teddington, he (being twenty-six years of age) had a desire -to visit his native country, where his relations and friends lived; and it pleased GOD so to assist him in his labors amonst them, that his journey became profitable for the conversion of many.

While he was in Cumberland, he was requested to preach in Penrith, a great market town, where (time out of mind) there had been a considerable market for all sorts of food every LORD's-day, till nine in the morning. But after he had preached two or three sermons, he prevailed so far with the Ministers, and others of the town, that it was proclaimed on Tuesday, their weekly market-day, That no person for the time to come, should bring any victuals or ware whatsoever, to be sold on the LORD's-day,- but that Saturday should be the time for the sale of their commodities.

CHAPTER 3

His Removal into Kent,

with his Success and Troubles there.

His next removal was from Teddington to Otham, near Maidstone. The occasion was this: There were many serious Christians in Maidstone, much troubled at the deadness and dullness of that Ministry under which they lived. The children asked "bread," and their spiritual Father (by profession and office) gave them " stones," that their souls were ready to famish. Whereupon MR. ROBERT SwINNOcx, an active person, one of the Aldermen of the town, got the Presentation of Otham, upon the death of the Incumbent, and consulted with his friends how he might procure an able Minister for that place. In pursuance of this they repaired to London, where they heard of Ma. WILSON, to whom they presently took their journey, and heard him preach at Darking, in Surrey. After sermon they acquainted him with the cause of their coming, and the sad condition of the people in those parts where they lived, and desired him to accept the Presentation of Otham He who was never hasty, especially in matters of such weight, asked the judgment of his neighbor Ministers in the country, and others of London, who did concur in this, that in regard of the necessities of those that feared GOD about Maidstone, and the great opportunity he should enjoy there of doing good to many, he ought to embrace the call. Upon the declaration of their opinion he was presented to Otham, where the LORD was pleased to prosper his Ministry, for the conversion and edification of many.

He was one that did " divide the word aright, a workman that needed not to be ashamed, a BO ANERGEs, a son of thunder," in preaching the law, to awaken secure senseless sinners. Many an one has come to him, as the Gaoler to the Apostle, trembling and crying out, " What shall 1 do to be saved" To whom he was a " BARNABAS, a son of consolation," and could so display the exceeding abundant riches of Divine grace in the Lord JESUS CHRIST, as to draw their hearts to a cheerful compliance with, and hearty acceptation of it. He as "a faithful Steward, gave every one his portion," terror to whom terror belonged, and comfort to whom comfort, whereby (the HOLY GHOST setting in with the word) a numerous issue were begotten to CH RisTr. he preached there in "season and out of season;" not only twice every Lord's-day, but also every Holyday, and at funerals; though the persons interred were poor, and nothing could be expected for his pains.

Whilst he was Minister of Otham many of Maidstone; and others several miles about, did ordinarily attend on his Ministry; and join in communion with him at the Lord's Supper; but the number that flocked after him (which, was so great that his church would not hold them) was:

a great eye sore to the profane world, and caused several of the Ministers about him to envy and malign him.

There was at Otham an ill custom, for the fulling mills to work every Lord's-day., but he convinced the owners so throughly of the unlawfulness thereof, that they suffered then mills td he still on that day many years after he left them. But the, only wise Gob, who governeth the world; saw fit for, some time to lay this useful person aside; for he had not been many years at Otham, before the book, commonly called the Book of Sports on the Lord's-day, came forth, and was presented to him, with a command, that he should publish it the next LORD's-day in his Church, which he refused to do, and upon his refusal was suspended; and his. Cure committed to such persons as he could Hot own, or join with; which caused him to remove to Maidstone. To the Christians there he was a great help, whilst his suspension lasted; and from them he received some support for himself and family.

Whilst he was at Maidstone, he still was solicitous for the good of his people at Otham; and therefore to encourage them to unity, and a Gospel conversation; and also to convince his adversaries, who had causelessly traduced him to be an abettor of schisms and divisions: He wrote a letter to his Parish, wherein he exhorted them to fear the Lord and the King, and to walk in love, and not to hourish any dislike of Government, or contempt of those whom God had set over them: Which letter, was read on a LORD's day in his- congregation by DR. TUCKE, without tha.

appointment of MR. WILSON. The tidings of this was soon carried to London, and gave such a distaste, that both MR. WILSON and DR. TUCKE were cited to appear before the High Commission Court: Both of them appeared several times to their great trouble and cost; and were, notwithstanding all they could allege in their own defense, forced to continue their attendance on the Court, for three years.

His suspension continued till the year 1639, about which time the Scots entering England, a Parliament was called; and Archbishop LAUD took off his suspension. But. his sufferings were not at an end, for in the year 164O, Sept. 3O, he and other Ministers were cited to appear at a Visitation of the Archbishop's at Fevershaln in Kent, to answer their not reading the Prayer against the Scots. Upon, which they consulted together whether it were best to appear before the Vicar-general or no. It was urged by some, that the Parliament (whom they apprehended would be some relief and shelter to them) being to sit on the third of November, it was prudent for them to hold off at present; and in case they were cited afterwards to Canterbury, to appear only by a Proctor, and protract time as much as might be.

But upon a serious weighing the reasons for and against their appearing, it was concluded that they would appear, and submit to the will of GOD. MR. EDWARD BRIGHT, Of Goodhurst, and MR. WILSON immediately repaired to the Inn, where SIR NATHANIEL BRENT, the Arch-deacon, and some inferior Officers sat. They no sooner appeared, but MR. BRIGHT was pointed out by one person to the Arch-deacon; who presently asked him his name, and whether he had read the Prayer against the Scots or no MR. BRIGHT answered, No: Whereupon the Arch-deacon suspended him, without admonishing, or giving him any time to consider of it. Though MR. WILSON stood by, and perceived the service much hotter than he expected; yet he did not fly from his colors; but being asked, Whether he had read the Prayer gave a negative answer,

with this reason: Because in the Rubrick it was enjoined, That no prayer should be publicly read, except those that were in the Book of Common Prayer; but this prayer against the Scots was not there.' This unexpected answer puzzled the Arch-deacon, and caused him to apply to SIR

NATHANIEL BRENT, who upon information of MR. WILSON's reasons, very ingenuously left him to himself, and refused to meddle in it. Upon which the Arch-deacon proceeded more considerately with MR. WILSON than with MR. BRIGHT, and gave him fourteen days' time to consider of it, and then to appeal again at Canterbury, and answer it.

But the Archbishop had not done with MR. WILSON; for in March following, he was afresh prosecuted by him. Upon an holyday in that month he met at the Parsonagehouse, after his sermon in public, with several friends, to repeat the sermon, and seek GOD by prayer. After the exercises were done, one knocked at the door, to which MRS. WILSON was goipg, but suddenly started back, fearing a messenger was come to apprehend her husband; but the messenger soon entered into the room, and putting off his hat, inquired which was MR. WILSON, pretending some private business with him. Though MR. WILSON was there in his gown, and-thereby easily to be distinguished from, others; yet GOD so ordered it, that the messenger observed him not. Soon after the messenger came into the room, MR. WILSON stepped behind one of his friends, and one MR. BUTCHER stepped forward, and told the messenger, that the room was his, and that he should look. for MR. WILSON in his own rooms: Upon this he quickly withdrew into another room; in the interim MR. WILSON went up stairs into his study, and lay close till night, and then escaped to MR. GEORGE HALL'S, at the Park in Maidstone. The Pursuivant looking about in vain, returns back into the parlour, into which he first entered, and missing one whom he had seen there before, inquires for him, charged all there present that they had conveyed MR. WILSON away: Ile also produced his warrant, under the hand of many Privy Councillors, whereof the Archbishop of Canterbury, and the Bishop of London were two, to attach the body of THOMAS WILSON, Rector of Otham, and bring him before them.

Before his departure, he said, he had been a messenger to the Council-table thirty-six years, and was never served so before. He confessed he heard him preach that day, and yet when he saw him so soon after, (and that in his gown,) he did not know him. But God had a hand in it. " Thy kingdom ruleth over all." He has strange ways for the preservation of men.

CHAPTER 4

His Removal to Maidstone.

His last remove was to Maidstone, where at last, by the good hand of GOD, he and the people of Maidstone, (who brought him first into Kent,) who were long before joined together in heart, were joined together in habitation, amongst whom he continued with much love, and faithfulness, till God called him out of this world.

But though he left Otham, he did not leave off' to care for the souls of his people there, but kept his title to the place still, and provided them a learned faithful man, to whom he gave the whole profits of his living. When he had been some time at Maidstone, he took care about the reformation of the Church, and due administration of the Sacraments, according to the word of God; to which end, he first in his preaching discovered to them the necessity of Church ordinances and discipline; and then GOD accompanying his diligent endeavors, (notwithstanding the obstacles he met with, not only by the profane, but also some who professed the fear of GOD,) he brought it to a good issue, and put it in practice, to the great comfort of the godly.

On Saturday nights he would usually continue at his study very late, often till midnight, to prepare himself the better for his task on the Lord's-day. On the Lord's-day morning, he would rise by two or three, and was much displeased with himself, if at any time he did oversleep his

hour. About seven he came down to his family, called all together, read some part of Scripture, expounded it, caused those present to give an account what they remembered of his exposition, sang some part of a Psalm, prayed with them, and concluded between eight and nine that they might all be ready to attend public ordinances. About nine he repaired to the -Church, and commonly began with singing a Psalm, after which he prayed briefly for assistance in, and a blessing on, the ordinances of GOD; then he read some part of the Old Testament, and expounded (sometimes three or four, sometimes more verses) for the space of an hour. His custom was first to analyze the book, then, the chapters, as he came to treat on them, then he, gave the exposition of the verses which he handled. After he had delivered the several judgments of Expositors, he drew observations, which be very briefly illustrated and applied. I believe, if his expositions on, the whole New Testament, and the far greater part of the Old, had been printed, it would have been more serviceable for the enabling ordinary Christians to understand the mind of God in his word, than any Comment extant. After he had expounded, he spent about an hour in the pulpit. When he came home to his family, he constantly went to prayer with them before dinner, and begged that the truths delivered, might be written by the SPIRIT of God upon all their hearts. After which he went to his study (eating little or no dinner usually) till after his family had dined; - then he spent some time with them in singing and other religious exercises. In the afternoon in public he did as in the morning, only his exposition was then some part of the New Testament.

After the evening worship in public, many neighbors came to his house, where he called his family together, asked of them and others present, an account of his sermons preached that day; most of them present would speak somewhat, whom he would help and encourage. Hereby their understandings and memories were much advantaged, for they knowing beforehand his custom, were the more attentive in hearing, and the more careful to remember what they heard; whereas when the master of the family repeats all himself, children and servants are usually heedless in hearing, and mindless both in public and private of what they hear. After repetition he sung a Psalm and concluded with prayer. Then he went to his former patron's house MR. ROBERT SWINNOCK to supperBy that time he had supped, there would be an hundred or more gathered together to MR. SWINNOCK's house, to join with him in the conclusion of the day. Many times to my comfort, I have seen two rooms, one considerable for largeness, full of persons of all ranks, met to worship the great GOD, After supper he came among them, begun with a short prayer, then would read the verses he had expounded in that day, ask what observations were raised from such a verse, then proceed to the next, so through all the verses he had expounded forenoon and afternoon, then inquire what the texts were, the doctrines, explications, reasons, and uses, all in order as preached, He seldom named one head himself, but still heartened them to speak, and assisted them when they were at a loss; then they sung a Psalm, and he ended with prayer about ten at night.

Once a month he administered the LORD'S Supper to a considerable number of serious Christians, with that life and warmth in prayer and opening Scripture, that some of his communicants have thought themselves in the suburbs of heaven, when they joined with him in that ordinance. Thus he sanctified the LORD's-day, spending nine or ten hours in public and private worship, beside what time he spent in secret duties, in which he was never niggardly; so that the Sabbath, which was a day of rest to others, was a day of great pains and labor to him, yet it was easy, yea, delightful to him; and at the end of the day, when those who took not half his pains, have complained of their weariness, he would be exceeding lively and cheerful; such was his great love to his Savior, and the souls committed to his charge. The Sabbath day to him was a day of light and gladness, and a good day.

CHAPTER 5

The great Pains he took with his people

on the Week-days His Diligence on all occasions to do Good,

and his Carriage in his Family.

YET he did not think it sufficient to teach his people on the Lord's-day, but. the town being very populous, and the paijsh large, and he rendered thereby uncapable of going from house to house, on the week-days he laid out himself in the service of the LORD, for the benefit of his parish. Every Thursday, their market-day, he preached a lecture, to which many Ministers came, and with much delight sat under him. On Fridays he met in private with as many of his people as would come together, when sometimes he expounded the Scripture, sometimes preached, and always sung and prayed with them. And also on Mondays or Thursdays, he appointed a conference, where the question being before propounded and known, (for instance, what was the nature of repentance or faith, or what the sign, means or motives to it,) his people prepared to speak to it, and he by his wise courteous carriage won their hearts, and drew them to study the Scriptures and good books, that they might be able to speak to the purpose. After they had spoken, he would gather together their scattered notions, bring them into an orderly method, apply to. them suitable texts of Scripture, add what he thought necessary, and so rendered the meeting exceeding profitable and comfortable to his flock. I have heard him at one of these meetings, when the question was about one of the petitions of the LORDs Prayer, to my great advantage and delight; for Christian communion, managed with prudence, is that which keeps our religion in breath, and without which it would be ready to die.

When he laid down this way of conference, instead thereof he set up catechising on the week-days in public, and this was continued till he had gone through the whole town, except some families in the out bounds, which he intended also to have catechised, but was prevented.

He was of a noble disposition, very free to communicate knowledge to others, not like a whirlpool that sucks all to itself, but like a fountain to disperse its streams for the refreshment of many. Seldom were any in his company, but they might receive good by him. He was sensible he could never labor enough for his LORD, and that GOD makes no diference between an idle and an evil servant. Hence it was that when he was often advised of his friends to be mindful of his body, and not to work it so hard, he was deaf to all those advices, and ready to say with CALVIN, (when counseled by his friends to take care of his health,) Would you have my LORD when he comes, to find me idle'

ST. AUSTIN'S wish was, that CHRIST when he came to call him by death, might find him either praying or preaching. Such seemed to be the desire of Mx. WILsoN, by his indefatigable laboriousness about his Master's business. I never knew him given to any recreation, but exceeding provident he was of his time. A little after dinner he would sometimes sit and discourse, but- usually if he was at home, his study was his place of abode. He was helluo librorum an indefatigable Student, stealing time from his sleep for his book. It is said of BRADFORD that he slept not above four hours in the night, and that his book went not out of his hand till sleep came, and that LATIMER rose Winter and Summer at two in the morning; and of another Marty rthat he was spare of meat, sparer of sleep, but sparest of time.

If he were invited to a feast, he was so zealous for GOD that he commonly after dinner called for a Bible, sung a Psalm, expounded some verse of Scripture, and prayed with his friends. Ma. FENNER, of Essex, that eminent servant of CURIT, meeting him once at MR. BUTCHER'S, was so extremely taken with his active cheerful spirit for God and godliness, that he said to MR. BUTCHER, I am ashamed of myself, to see how MR. WILSON gallopeth towards Heaven, and I do but creep on at a snail's pace.

Though he was a good linguist, well read in modern and ancient authors, yet ordinarily he preached in a plain clear style, that he might be understood by the meanest capacity. His constant preaching discovered him an able workman; hisdoctrines were always clear from his text, his heads pertinent to his' subject, and he had a rare faculty in applying suitable Scriptures: (which is the principal way of convincing the judgment; for it is the authority of God that must do the work.)

He was so much valued for his abilities, that there was scarcely any public occasion of sermons in the county, but he was chosen to preach them., Sometimes he preached before the Judges at the Assizes, and twice before the Parliament. Put he was not of the number of them, who, are zealous abroad, that they, may be well spoken of, but careless at home what becomes of their families; but, as DAVID, he walked in his house with a perfect heart," and brought up his children in the nurture and admonition of the LORD. CICERO says of QUINTUS MAXIMIXUS, That he was not good only in the sight of the people, but he was better out of their sight.' Truly he was as good within as without doors. Each morning and evening he read some part of Scripture, expounded it, sung a Psalm, and prayed with his family. He would often ask his children questions about the principles of religion, examine them about his sermons on the LORD's-day, and cause them to learn the Scripture without book. ' He prayed often with his wife apart, and spent much time in secret prayer.

He was very watchful to set a good example. before his children and servants, knowing that such are led more by the eye than the ear, and more observant of what their superiors do than what they say; and, indeed, his whole conversation was a living exposition upon the Gospel, that what he taught on the LORD's-day in his doctrine, he preached overall the week in his life: O how unlike was he to those Ministers, whose lives give the he to their doctrines! He was exemplary in his converse with all men, and spoke much by his carriage, even when he spoke not a word. His good works were invincible demonstrations to convince his neighbors whereby he stole their hearts, and won their affections after the beauty of holiness.

CHAPTER 6

The Reformation which was wrought by his means in Maidstone. His Courage, Zeal, Faith, and Humility.

MAIDSTONE was formerly a very profane town, but by his preaching he prevailed with them, that though the town was large and full of people, yet you should hardly see one person in the street after the sermons on the LoRD'sday. And I have known when the Mayor has searched the inns and ale-houses, he has scarce found one of the town there. One of the Judges, at an Assize, was pleased to say, that in all his circuit he never came to a town where the Lord's-day was so strictly observed. I scarce ever knew any man so strict as MR. WILSON in the sanctification of the Lord's-day. He so much wrought upon the people there, that, in the house where I lived, all pot-herbs were gathered and made ready on the Saturday night, and whatsoever was for their dinners put into readiness for the' fire on the day before. He was much of the mind of the primitive Christian. who, being asked Servasti Dominicam f' answered, Christianvs sum, om.ittere non possum.' The sanctification of that day is exceeding useful to keep up the power of godliness in our hearts and lives. And as GOD on that day bestoweth great blessings on them that humbly and reverently worship him thereon, so he has inflicted dreadful judgments on the profaners of that day; and when men have neglected to punish them, he has taken the sword into his own hand, and done it himself. One example whereof there was in Maidstone when I lived there: One Sabbath, as children were playing near a wall, against which wagon wheels were set up, an a sudden there arose a great wind, which blew down a wheel upon one o the children, and crushed it to death.

And such was the blessing of GOD upon his preaching and example, that many families, morning and evening, set up religious- duties who never minded them before. You might there; if you walked in the great street about nine or ten o clock in a morning, hear singing in many families, for they commonly sung morning and evening, when they read the Word and prayed.

He had an undaunted spirit, not discouraged by any obstacles. He feared GOD and none else. He was like that Ancient, that when a threatening message of death was sent him, bid the messenger tell the Empress, I fear nothing but sin.'

He discovered much courage in reproving sin; for as CHRIST said of the Church of Ephesus, " He could not bear those that were evil," were they never so great. ELIJAH durst speak to AHAB, and MR. WILSON to the highest person, by way of reprehension, when there was cause for it. If men were bold in sinning, he was as bold in telling them of it, and giving their sins their due accents; yet, as a wise physician, he could distinguish between pimples and plague-sores, between infirmities and scandals, and accordingly apply himself to his patients.

He abundantly discovered his zeal for GOD in embracing all opportunities to do him service. Some who it is "hoped had the root of the matter in them, separated from him, though they themselves acknowledged that he was their spiritual father, and " had begotten them through the Gospel." This causeless separation lay near his heart even when he lay upon his dying-bed. The great danger of their souls, as also of those that wholly cast off the care of their eternal good, caused him in the course of sermons and expositions to reprove their sins sharply, and indeed according to the command of the HOLY GHOST, arolow5, " cutting, that they might be sound in the faith." (Titus 1: 13.) Some of those that separated, were very dear to him, that he might say as DAVID, " It was not an enemy that reproached me, then I could have borne it willingly. Was it he that hated me, that did magnify himself against me But it was my friend and my acquaintance, we took sweet counsel together, and (formerly) walked to the house of GOD inn company." (Psalm 4: 12, 13, 14.) But the truths of the Gospel were much dearer; and he was a man of such clear convincing light, and, as it is said of AroLLOS, (Acts 18: p24,) *, able, strong, mighty in the Scriptures, that had they not been willingly blind, they must have seen their errors. It is observed by some as a special providence of GOD, that the same day in which PELAGIUS the heretic was born in Britain, ST. AUGUSTINE, the great confuter of his heresy, was born in Africa; GOD so disposing it, that the poison and the antidote should come into the world together. I am sure it was a good providence to Maidstone, that when many errors sprung up, there was such an able faithful husbandman to watch them and root them out, otherwise many more than did, might have fallen from their own steadfastness.

He was not only sound, but also strong in the faith; and in the greatest dangers and difficulties could rely on GOD, and trust Him with himself and all he had. He met with much opposition in the, work of the Ministry from all sorts of persons, both from open enemies and seeming friends; but he was undaunted in the midst of all, " not moved by any of those things, neither counted hee his life dear unto him, so he might finish his course with joy, and the Ministry which he received of the LORD JESUS." He minded His own work, consulted his duty, and left GOD'S work (the issues and events thereof) to GOD.

He knew GOD could and would take care of his own cause, whatever became of him and other instruments. He lived much above the world. His mind was fitted to his estate, and notwithstanding he had many opportunities for getting riches, if he had sought them, yet he never made use of them for that purpose. I have often admired his indifferency of spirit to the things of this life. O how far was he from many in our days who trouble themselves with ploughing, and sowing, and reaping, and worldly concerns, all the week, and on the LORD's-day set their people off with raw confused discourses! A little before the Insurrection in gent, in the year 1648, one hundred pounds was brought into MR. WILSON's house, (being a legacy given his eldest daughter, by MR. JOHN BILGE, one of the Jurats of Maidstone, and I believe the greatest portion any of his children had,) which money in the time of the Insurrection was by the soldiers discovered and taken away, (though quickly restored again,) MR. WILSON being then at London. When the country was quiet, and MR. WILSON returned to his dwelling, I asked him whether he was not much troubled, when he heard his money was gone; he answered me, I was no more troubled when I heard the money was carried out of my house, than I was when I heard it was brought in: I also then inquired of him what frame of spirit he was in, when he went from Maidstone: For the town and country being in arms, many of the mean profane wretches reproached him; when he was- going out of the town, they took his horse by the bridle, and twice or thrice brought him back, crying out, 'WILSON, WILSON, Where is your God now Where is

your GOD now' He told me, Truly I thought (when they blasphemously said unto me, Where is your GOD) on the text, " My GOD is in heaven, and has done whatsoever He pleased." " (Psalm cxv. 5.) And great were his gifts as well as his graces. GOD was pleased to bestow on him large natural endowments, whereby he became much the more capable of doing good. He had a quick apprehension, a clear understanding, a deep and sound judgment, and a tenacious memory. He was none of those Preachers, whose tongues are galloping, whilst sober reason and convincing sense stand still, or at best does but creep. He discovered strong judgment in a few words. His body was of a strong constitution, and truly so was his soul. He would presently find out the meaning of hard authors, and what he read was his own; I never knew any of the same strength of memory. Though he was careful to write down his sermons, yet I never saw him use any notes, and he made a good use of his memory. He had scarce his equal for his remembrance in the Scripture; he was tried a long time together. One took a Bible, and read a verse in one chapter, another verse in another, went forward and backward; both as to the books and chapters, and verses of the Scripture, and all along be told the reader the verse, chapter, and book, without any mistake. And himself told me that he believed, he could tell the book, chapter, and verse, which any should read to him all the day long. Much -appeared in his prayers; I have heard him of a Fast-day pray an hour together, and most of the time in Scripture phrases. The word was dear to him, his daily delight and meditation.

That which made all his parts useful and amiable, was that as DAVID consecrated the spoils taken from the Gentiles to the temple, so he dedicated his natural accomplishments to his GOD, and made them serviceable for the advancement of his honor. But for all his great natural and gracious accomplishments he was clothed with humility: None thought so low of him, as he of himself. His face like MOSES's shined, that all his judicious friends observed it, and admired it; but he knew it not. He had not the least show of ostentation in his carriage or language.

CHAPTER 7

His Wives, Children, and Death.

WHEN he was about twenty-six years of age, he married a daughter of SIR ZINZANS, who, being in a consumption before she married him, died within seven or eight months after, About a year after her death, he married MRS. DAMARIS CABLE, (daughter of MR. JAMES CABLE, of London, Merchant,) who was a meet help to him in his civil and spiritual concerns; by her he had eleven children, one whereof, namely, his eldest son SAMUEL, died young, the ether ten he left at' his death. He had little of this world to leave his many children; (about one hundred pounds a piece, as I have heard, after their mother's death;) but be left them much, if we consider the many fervent prayers, which night and day he poured out before the LORD on their behalf. I have read of one that when she came to die told her children: I have little to leave you, but this I must tell you, there is not one room in the house, which is not perfumed with prayer for you.' Often did good MR. WILSON cry out to GOD, O that my children might live in thy sight: LORD, come down by thy SPIRIT into their hearts, lest my children die, lest they die eternally!'

That piety which shone so brightly in his life, did wonderfully sparkle in his death. The messenger which GOD sent to call him hence, was a violent fever, which he welcomed, as knowing it was sent by a gracious FATHER to call him home. No guest comes at any time amiss to him that keeps a constant table; no Providence, no not death itself, comes at any time amiss to him that is always ready, and dieth daily. His lamps were burning, his oil -was ready in his vessel, when the Bridegroom came. His fever had continued but a little while, before his friends did prognosticate, that it would remove him froze thence, whom they loved as their own souls, and under whose Ministry they had sat with so much delight. But what he had been in the course of his life, the same did he continue to his death; though his disease was violent, and his fits often acute, yet he never complained; his pain might cause him to mourn, but it did not make him murmur; he reverenced the rod in the hand of his FATHER, and that cup which his FATHER gave him to drink he submitted to. In his extremity, his faith and patience eminently shone forth to the honor of GOD, and comfort of those that visited him.

Being sensible of his approaching death, he was exceeding solicitous for the town and parish whereof he was, Minister. As MOSES, before he died, was careful to appoint a successor, that might lead GOD's people into the earthly Canaan: So MR. WILSON before he died took care for a successor, that might further that good work which he had begun through grace, in many of them, and be helpful to conduct them to their heavenly Canaan. To this end, he called some of the town to him, and advised them to consider of some able Minister to succeed him, and he commended MR. JOHN CRUMP to them, as the fittest that he knew. Afterwards MR. CRUMP did succeed him, not only in his place but also in his faithfulness, diligence, and serviceableness.

As JACOB before his death called his children together, to direct and advise them, so he called his wife and children to him; desiring his wife not to be discouraged at his death; or to sorrow as they that have no hope, but to continue to serve GOD in CHRIST, and trust GOD, and to be cheerful in him, adding this to her comfort, Though now we are parted for a time, yet there is a time coming that we shall be joined again, never to part more.' His children were most of them little; but those that were capable, he exhorted to fear GOD betimes; and directing his speech to his eldest daughter, be said, Look to it that you meet me not at the day of judgment in an unregenerate estate.'

He commended all his children to the LORD, in much faith in the covenant, which GOD had made to him and his. When his Christian friends came to visit him, he always labored to requite their kindness by godly counsel and exhortations:. He wished them to be fervent in reading the Scriptures, to prize highly and meditate much on the promises, to be holy and blameless in their conversation, to stick close to ordinances, and to hold on in communion with the people of GOD in the town. When EPICTXTUS broke his leg, (it is reported of him,) he discoursed as if his soul had been in another man's body. And when the bones of MR. WILSON were sore vexed with the violence of his

disease, he discoursed in such a composed heavenly manner, as if he-had ailed nothing.

When one or two of those who bad separated from communion with him, came to see him, he did with much affection bewail their schism, prayed that GOD would bring them back again, and told them that he could willingly lay down his life, so they might join in communion with the other godly people in the town. As JACOB when he was dying "worshipped, leaning on his staff::" (Heb. 11: 21:) So he on his dying bed was frequent in praying to and praising his GOD. It was but two nights before his death, though he was very sick, yet he made his bed his pulpit, out of which he preached to sonic that came to see him, concerning the preciousness of the promises, and concerning the preciousness of CHRIST to believers. And O, with what affectionate expressions did this Minister and member of CHRIST commend his Head, the Pearl of great price, and the promises He had purchased; saying to his visitors, that one promise was more precious than a world.

MR. WILSON'S apprehension that death drew near, was very comfortable to him. A gentlewoman of his Society coming to take her leave of him, (being to remove out of town,) he pleasantly said to her, What will you say, good MRS. CRISP, if I get the start of you, and get to, Heaven before you get to Dover' When another came to see him, he asked her what she thought of him, who answering, Truly, Sir, I think you are not far from your Father's house,' he replied, O that is good news indeed!' When others spoke to him of his death in a mournful way, he said to them, I bless God who has suffered me to live so long, to do him some service; and now after I have done the work appointed me, is pleased to call me away so soon.' Thus in the breathings of his faith and hope, he departed this life, and commended his spirit into the hands of Him that

redeemed it, and that on the Lord's-day; that day on which he was wont to work so hard, was the day of his entrance into eternal rest.

He needed no picture or monuments to preserve his memory. His good works (though transient in themselves, are yet permanent in the hearts of many, and) praise him in the gates.

He was, when he died, about fifty-two years of age, of a strong constitution, and might, in a course of nature, (if God had so pleased,) have lived much longer. But he brought forth fruit early, and was ripe when others of his age began but to blossom, and therefore no wonder that he was gathered by God so soon. He was in his meridian when others were but just peeping above the horizon, and so might well set before them. It was much desired and prayed, that his life might have been lengthened; but his time was come, he had "fought a good fight, he had finished his course, he had kept the faith," and his Master called him to receive his crown.

 

THE LIFE OF MR. JAMES FRASER

WRITTEN BY HIMSELF.

CHAPTER 1

Touching some Things that happened to me from my Birth, till I was Seventeen Years old.

1. I WAS born in the North of Scotland, in 1639, July 29th, and was not like to live, but the Lord healed me; for the evil humors brcke out in boils great and numerous. My disposition was sullen, and I loved not to wear gaudy clothes; nor bad I any wise tales like other children, so that I gave no occasion to my parents to repeat them, as parents usually do with fondness.

2. Yet the Lord was doing me good all the while. I overpass common mercies, and mention one that was remarkable. My mother being obliged to come South, to be out of the way of a cruel enemy, lived with a relation in a borough-town on the coast-side: I was very unruly, and therefore kept under some awe and restraint from wandering abroad when I pleased; but this increased my desire to ramble the more. At a time I slipped out, unknown to any, to a garden where was a deep well; when once I got out of doors, 'I ran as hard as ever I could; and, not taking heed where I went, I fell in a by-path which carried me directly to the well before spoken of, open above and overgrown with grass, which hid the water from me; so that before I knew I fell over head in the well, the water being very deep, only my. hands laid hold on the grass that did grow on the sides of the well. Here I continued for a good space, and should no doubt have drowned, if GOD had not sent some to my relief; for he that was appointed to wait on me not knowing whither I went, the mere Providence of GOD led him out to seek me in the garden; when, coming to the further end of it, and despairing to find me, he went back with intention to seek me in the town, which if he had done, I had perished for ever: But the LORD directing him in his coming back to the well, he cast his eyes and perceived a hand lying on the grass, and looking more narrowly, found it was I; and so, with much ado, pulled me out of the water, even ready to expire, and unable to help myself: And after the water was poured out of my mouth, and I had slept a while, I was as well as ever, through the wonderful goodness of GOD. O that I may walk worthy of this kindness, and that I may be preserved to do Him service! This happened tome during my first appearance in the world.

3. Before I was converted to God in CHRIST, I advanced four steps; and in every one of them I had undoubtedly rested, and so, missing of CHRIST, I had undoubtedly perished, if 1 had not been beaten out of them: But the LORD. seeing me ready to rest in these, made them all to break under me, until at last he revealed his Son JESUS to my soul. The first step was the getting some prayers by heart, and saying them in a formal way, morning and evening; so that now I was complete as I thought: The LORD likewise then was drawing my heart to what was good; for when I said my prayers, morning and evening, and did not slight them, I had much peace and comfort of heart; and, when I omitted them, I was vexed in my conscience. Sometimes for a while together I would omit seeking God through Sloth, and then would I be terrified with fearful dreams,. the voice of which I thought was a rebuke for omitting my prayers; and for a while after I would be very zealous; and when I did any kind of duty, I would not be troubled at all; and what evil soever came upon me, I judged it to be for the omission of my duties, which I looked upon as my greatest sin. By these means, as the most fit for me then, did the LORD seek to cause me to follow good, and to eschew evil.

But this continued not long, for I was soon beaten from this resting-place. The means and occasions were, (1.) These who should have overseen me grew careless; they let me alone, and took no account of me at all, but entrusted me to others: And therefore, having no King, I did what was right in my own eyes. (Q.) The LORD, after he had several times drawn me to the yoke by fearful dreams and some small convictions, finding that the impressions of these things wore off me, that I slipped out of the collar again, and not intending that this should be my rest, did not trouble me; and I not having changes, but being let alone, let GOD and duty alone. (Psalm 4: 19.) (3.) Because my soul was not united to CHRIST the Fountain, hence any thing I had vanished and perished. (John 15: 4.) (4.) Several lusts not being destroyed, notwithstanding all my duties, did -in the end choke any good that was sown. (5.) Evil company did me much harm; and through continual converse with them, I was transformed into their image. Through these means mainly it was that I fell from this state, so that I neglected duty altogether, and at last did so without a challenge, and gave but too much way to other sins, until GOD used new means, and made another assault, which he did shortly thereafter, thus:

The second step was the zealous performance of some duties, especially prayer. I know not how, and wonder still at it, that, having so little knowledge, I could be able to conceive a prayer, and continue therein for some reasonable, time, and not only so, but to delight in it likewise, and that in a greater measure than I did formerly. The occasion was this: My father was sick and like to die, and then sent for me, having provided a Chaplain to the house, who was to have the oversight of me likewise; he was a godly, tender-hearted man, but none of the deepest reach: And his zeal appeared still the more, in that there was nothing among ourselves but either ignorance, profaneness, or formality; while he seemed to follow the power of godliness, for which he was generally hated and despised. He was a great enemy to vice, such as drunkenness, Sabbath breaking and swearing; and being continued our Chaplain after my father's death, (for about that time he died,) he set himself to spread the sincere knowledge of GOD, and to do good to others; and, for this cause, instructed-, reproved, and set them upon the practice of duties. I coming home, was delivered over to him, and to his oversight; which was a great grief to me, not relishing his strictness. The first night I would have gone to bed without prayers; but, as I was putting off my clothes, he marked my design, and commanded I should fall down on my knees and recommend myself to GOD before I went to bed, which I obeyed, and said over my evening prayer I had before got by heart, he reading his book in the mean time.

When I was in my bed, the consideration of my new yoke made me weep bitterly. The man was lean and hard favored, and kept at a great distance from me; and I was secretly fearing the imposition of greater burdens upon me.

One day, as we were talking more familiarly than ordinarily we were wont, he desired to hear my prayers. I thereupon repeated both morning and evening prayers I had learned formerly: To which he giving attention, and knowing both by the matter and my way of repeating them, that they were a lesson which I had learned from others, he told me, that, unless I had got the SPIRIT of GOD to teach me to pray, I could not go to heaven; and that all other prayers proved ineffectual: Arid, thereupon, a while, after, he pressed us that were children to express the pure and real conceivings of our own hearts, though we should but utter five sentences at a time, and that this coming from the heart was more acceptable to GOD, than many and long prayers taught us by others. He likewise taught us the principles of religion, the meaning of the Belief, the LORD'S Prayer, ands Ten Commands; and had a very strict eye over us, correcting us soundly for cursing, swearing, lying, and Sabbath-breaking'; and observed our ways narrowly) and took a strict account of us both as to what we learned and of our practices, but especially of me; so that in a short time, through the LORD'S blessing, I attained to some competent measure of knowledge, and left my former ways; and set about secret and public duties, being about eleven years old at this time; and use made duties easy; and the peace I had in them, with the hopes of a reward, made me delight in them, so in a short time I went about them no longer by constraint, but of mine own accord, and willingly, and sometimes would exceed what was enjoined me. Every day, morning and evening, I would bow my.knee, and read some portion of Scripture, and pray at some length and with some earnestness, but had no spiritual exercise, and no communication with GOD. I likewise began to comply with my pedagogue better, and to love him better.; and he seeing me profit both in letters and godliness, was more kind to me: Nor could he be said, for all his strictness, to be rigid to me, insomuch that for the space of a whole year, I remember not that I was twice whipped; and one time was for swearing and playing at cards. During the time which he was with me, being a year and a half, I learned the most of my Grammar; but this not being my rest, I fell grievously away from all this profession and practice.

2. The steps of this decay were, (1.) Wantonness and lightness in time of public prayers, through a foolish light humor, and the temptations of others; for I studied not heart-reformation. (2.) More slight performance of duties when I durst not omit them. And (3.) I would sometimes omit them altogether, when out of the knowledge of my governor. (4.) When I began to play on the Sabbath day with others, for which I got a memorandum: For one day, being the Lord's-day, the children and I were playing some childish rogueries, which our governor (good man) hearing, calls us up, and then very seriously endeavors to persuade us and convince us of the sin of Sabbath-breaking, and the danger thereof, and gave us a large exhortation, and then enjoined us all to go to our knees, and confess our sins to GOD, and seek pardon thereof, which we obeyed; and, for my part, though at first I was constrained to it, yet I was serious both in acknowledging of guilt, and seeking a pardon of sin: And, when we had done, we were dismissed, being first exhorted not to do the like again; which produced a reformation in us all for some time. (5.) Through mine own evil nature, which was not then mortified, and the counsel of others that were my companions, I despised my governor, and did join with others in afflicting him, by approbation and desire, though I durst not do it so openly. (6.) 1 proceeded from this to a more open violation of the Sabbath, and played with the servants on the Lord's-day, from six o'clock till nine, my tutor, in the mean time, I know not how, either remitting in his zeal, or hoping, when we were more settled in our affairs, (for we were to go South on the next day,) to rectify things. (7.) When I came South, my pedagogue became more rigid to me, and whipped me more frequently, I confess deservedly; and I turned to hate him, and became stubborn, and would do nothing for him. My father being dead, I was but too much countenanced by those with whom I was, who would not suffer him to take such a course with me as I merited; so that things came this length, that I openly reviled him, and avowedly omitted duty. At last he was put away. (8.) He once being put away, I became worse, and did no good at all: I neglected duty sometimes for many days together. (9.) I was much given to lying, and made an extraordinary practice of it, so that I could scarce speak a true word. (1O.) I turned to mock godliness sometimes, though this did not proceed so much from a habit and inclination, as from the temptations of others, whom, by this means, I studied to please. (11.) My conscience at last became seared and insensible, so that I did all this with little or no remorse. (12.) I stole from my mother's waiting-man five shillings sterling while I lay with him;,and being suspected for it, I was denying it, but it was proved against me, and I was with shame made to restore it. (13.) I became so wicked, as not content to omit prayer on the Sabbath-day, and to talk idly as others did; I played the whole day at dice, contrary for my light, and my conscience even in the mean time accusing and condemning me. In a word, I was clean gone, and nothing all this time was dealing with me, save only some ineffectual checks upon my heart now and then.

3. This decay did proceed from the same causes with the former; yet I remarked these five things to have had most influence-on me:, (1.) I prayed, but endeavored not to take away my sins; my prayers never killed my sins, and therefore my sins killed prayer: Like many now, that profess, and yet sin on still; that fear the LORD, and serve their idols. (2.) My governor decayed in his zeal, through want of good company, and through neglect of private prayer, in which I marked him deficient, and through too much familiarity with the domestics that did blunt his zeal; and I think, seeing my wickedness grow upon him and over-master him, be despaired of doing me good. (3.) Because, when he was gone, none took care of me; and 11 I did what was good in mine own eyes." None did reprove or correct me for my faults, nor did look on my soul at all, or urge me on to duty, but gave me loose reins; and old JEHOIADA being dead or gone, I did evil in the sight of the LORD." (4.) Because not followed with terrors and convictions, peace and ease did me hurt. (5.) I found evil company did me much harm I learned their ways; they hardened and encouraged me in an ill course, and drew me from the LORD.

4. Yet, notwithstanding, I was not altogether left of GOD; now and then the SPIRIT of GOD would strive and draw me contrary to my inclinations, now and then I would pray and read, and be affected: And this proceeded from these causes; (1.) Some extraordinary sharp convictions from the LORD on my conscience, that would put me out to prayer and to get peace; which storm being over, I cared not for prayer any more.-(2.) Outward and grievous afflictions at school, by reason of the tyrannical rigidity of a school-master, who delighted in the scourging of children, and would often-times pick quarrels with me; and scourge me for little or no fault: And this in the anguish of my soul would cause me to pour out a prayer. (3.) Sometimes our teachers would instruct us to pray; and then an exhortation had some influence on me. I lingered on in this condition three or four years, until I went South again, in order to my going to the College.

The third step. 1: I was then going about the form of all manner of duties both public and private, joined likewise with reformation and zeal. Before I was only taken up in prayer, but now I made conscience of all duties; and therefore meditated, read the Scriptures frequently, kept the Sabbath very strictly, and read good books: I left all my old sins and ways, such as lying, swearing, and made conscience of all moral virtues; I left my gaming, my idle talk, and became very temperate; and, if I at any time failed, I would fall down on my knees, and beg the LoRD's mercy. Yea, so zealous was I, that I endeavored to gain others, and would reprove them for their.looseness: And this produced in me some love to the godly, so that I seemed both to myself and others, a new man; and yet I was a stranger to CHRIST, and lying fast bound in a natural condition.

The occasion of this reformation was this; one Sabbathday, being then fifteen years of age, I read a book called the Practice of Pieta, concerning the misery of a natural man, the torments of hell, and the blessedness of a godly man, and some directions for godly life: My heart was therewith so affected, that without more ado I resolved to become a new man, and to live not only a harmless life, but a devout life, to turn my back upon all my old ways, and utterly to forsake them. And in this way I had marvelous sweetness and peace, esteeming myself really con

verted; and would ordinarily in my prayers thank the LORD for giving me his good SPIRIT; and thought with myself, if I continued in this condition to the end, I should undoubtedly be saved. In a word, I was a complete Pharisee; for the benefit of others I will describe the frame of my spirit under this dispensation.

2. 1 had the very characters of a Pharisee:. For, (1.) I looked only to the outward letter of the Law, and endeavored an outward conformity thereto. (2.) I judged myself rather by the length and multitude of my duties, than by any other thing in them. (3.) I rested in duties as the end, and made them not, the means to bring me to CHRIST: When I did seek or pray for any spiritual mercy, it was not the things I sought I was mostly taken up with Which did evidence itself to me in this, that when I prayed

for any mercy, when I got it not, nor any promise of it, yet was I satisfied. (5.) Whenever I sinned, I satisfied GOD and my own conscience by doubling my duties, and gave them to the LORD as satisfaction,: And then, as though the blood of CHRIST had been applied, there ensued peace. (5.) Hence my duties never put away, my sins, but I served the. LORD and my idols; and if there was any reformation, it was but the outside of the platter that was cleansed: But I beither saw, nor did- hate, nor strive, against, nor overcome any heart-corruptions. (6.) I was utterly ignorant of the mystery, of the Gospel; I neither knew nor studied Faith, nor the Promises, nor Justification by imputed Righteousness. (7.) I was more troubled for the want of Holiness and the neglect of Duties than for the want of CHRIST, and loved CHRIST'S benefits better than CHRIST himself. (8.) I hated profane persons, and loved civil men that had any form of religion; but did not relish the most strict, especially such who expressed the power of Godliness. (John 15: 8.) (9.) Heaven was not sweet to me, but I ever thought on it with grief and aversion, in respect of the constant uninterrupted spiritual exercises they had there, and the want of carnal comforts. (1O.) My conscience, notwithstanding, was unsatisfied, and there was a worm gnawing at the root of all this; I could not be quit of this assault, that for all this I should probably go to hell. I had no great security from all my duties, and -my fears were still alive; and I found, the more I did, they increased, (Matt. xix. 16,) the young man cried still out, " What shall I do to inherit eternal life" (11.) Whatever I did was' rather to satisfy conscience, than from love to GOD, who was a terror to me, and whom I could not otherwise represent to myself than as an angry Judge and enemy, whom I was troubled to satisfy.

3. I decayed from this and fell, and was beaten off it through these means; (1.) My pleasures, vanities and evilCompany, to which I was not mortified, did draw my heart away. (2.) Sins did break out, such as cursing, swearing and carding, and that frequently; so as I could not get comfort in duties. And thisproduced a despair in me of the works of my hands; my duties were not able to bear upthe weight of my sins: And therefore, sighing, I went backward; and seeing there was no hope, and loving idols, I said I would follow them. (Jer. 2: 28. Lang. 1: 9.) (3.) Duties, through process of time, began to be a burden to me, especially when they gave me not full satisfaction nor peace: I was wearied in the greatness of my way, and with laboring in the smoke, and found no end in the travail ofmy soul, and therefore gave over; for this thought remained secretly in my heart, That I should go to hell when all was done. (4.) By a certain Providence I was broughtto see the vanity of all this, which made me seek to another mountain for rest; and, finding none, I turned a Seeker, though not in judgment, yet really and truly in practice; which made me despair not only of being happy in the works of the Lbw which I had done, but even by these which I was to do.

The fourth step was, Being out of all forms, I turned a Seeker, had no principle, but lived in hopes that GOD would reveal himself to me: Sometimes I prayed; I had some comfort in doing duties with any affection and life, which sometimes I would attain unto. The occasion was

this; I was before this a formalist; duties were my CHRIST, which I began (through my prevailing lusts and outward temptations, and withal some secret suspicions of their influence to justify me) gradually to be remiss in: Yet I left not the principle, (notwithstanding I fell short in my practice,) That if I could abstain from my ordinary sins, keep the Sabbath-day, pray morning and evening, and do every known duty, I should be saved. And this continued until, being left by my mother in a religious family, I by Providence took up a book called the Seventeen false Rests; wherein I found the vanity of formality in duties discovered very plainly,' and some other lengths I had not attained to. I was afterwards confirmed in this by reading the Confession of Faith, where it says, That though one should form his life never so exactly, according to nature and morality, without CHRIST he could not be saved.'

This was enough; and the SPIRIT seconding it, convinced me I was quite wrong first, and had never known what true grace was; and besides, despaired ever of myself to come to that estate of grace: All my refuges of lies were shaken, and that which many sermons for a long time could not do, now in a moment three lines did.

2. The frame of my spirit might be thus described; (1.) I thought all my duties, and all I could do, insufficient to save me, though as yet I saw not so clearly the insufficiency of duties; and therefore did easily conclude, that all this time I was in an unconverted condition, and, if I died without a further change than yet I felt, I should undoubtedly be damned. (f2.) I thcught there was a certain state and blessed condition to which all the converted, and such as had the LORD's SPIRIT, had come, between me and which there- was a very great cloud; and that I was, as it were, locked up from this. (3.) I had some hopes that GOD might do me good, and bring me to this state before I died. (4.) I had in the mean time some sharp and terrible convictions for particular- sins, but not for, my evil nature, and which wore away without any remaining effect.

3-had no principle, nor rested in any thing, but looked for some Divine manifestation and extraordinary revelation to my soul. (6.) I prayed sometimes when the SPIRIT moved, and sometimes not; yet had no peace except when I prayed with life and affections; and then, though I rested not in this, yet would it comfort me. (7.) I thought that those that were regenerate lived a life of perpetual comfort and glory, and always performed duties with life; and, when I arrived at this pitch, I should judge myself converted. And I further thought there was a marvelous way of attaining to this, I looked for the kingdom of heaven to come with observation. (8) I ordinarily slighted duties, and fell Into swearing, lying, and idle talking and carding; pleasures were my idol to which I was not mortified; I had no principle nor centre. (9.) I mourned for sin, not because it offended GOD, but because of the consequents of it; I was not sincere: And I thought, if once I could hate sin, because it offended GOD, that then I was sincere. I went on thus for the space of three years, settled in nothing, but in a waiting and seeking condition.

3. During this time I met with some wonderful Providences, wherein much of the power and goodness of GOD did visibly appear. They were these: (1.) A year and a half after I bad blasphemed, being in my bed, the thoughts of that grievous sin came to my mind, and that with such horror as made me tremble with an unaccustomed fear. I essayed to pray, but could not get my mouth opened; a number of blas.phemies and cursings ran in my mind with great horror and against my will, which I thought was like the Devil in me. I had not knowledge, and therefore was the more troubled; for I was not fourteen years of age then. The more these thoughts ran in my mind, my horror was increased, insomuch, that at last it became intolerable; and then, in my extremity and in great anguish of spirit, the LORD pitied me, and opened my mouth to pray for help, which I did most affectionately, and with great liberty and abundance of tears, which did by a secret virtue calm my confused soul; for now did I conceive that I was not quite forsaken of GOD, and slept till the next day: But my troubles began the next day again. I then read in godly' books; and casting a book up at random, the first passage that I met with was this, When SATAN casts in blasphemous thoughts in thy heart, be not discouraged; for they are not thine, but SATAN'S.' Here was a well of water; though my eyes at first could not see it so full, yet it did somewhat help me, and by it now I perceived - much of GOD'S condescending nature: In process of time, when I began to be less troubled, these blasphemous thoughts wore away, and so did my trouble likewise.

A second merciful Providence was this: In the time I was a Seeker, and heard them speaking of the sin against the HOLY GHOST, and that it was unpardonable, I began presently to have, some weak suspicions that I had sinned that sin, but concluded nothing certainly, because I knew not what the sin might be: And all this time it was my exercise to inquire of such as had knowledge, what that sin against the HOLY GHOST might be: At last I took up a Concordance to seek the LORD'S mind in his word, and looked for the word Sin; I read, " If we sin willfully," &c. (Heb. 10: 26.) I thought I was stricken therewith as with thunder, and continued amazed and speechless for a while; for I thought it was clear and past doubt I should go to bell, seeing I had sinned against knowledge, and willfully So that, for the space of three days, this temptation was a very sad exercise to me. Now, said my heart to me, dost you not at last see thy doom clearly revealed What need more witnesses Then did I endeavor to pray, but was beaten back, because -I thought it was in vain, seeing there is no more sacrifice for sin; yet I prayed. That word, I remember, in the midst of my despair came to mind, " ABRAHAM in hope believed against hope;" and therefore I thought, though there was no hope, yet I should " hope against hope:" This was the only thing that did uphold me then. I drove heavily and heartlessly like PHARIOH'S chariots, because I had no hope, although it stood me very much; I multiplied prayers, but they did not heal me; I remembered ESAU, who wept until

he got a blessing: Arid did ESAtr, said I, prevail with his earthly father by his importunity, notwithstanding that he could not help him, so as in the end to get some blessing And cannot the power and wisdom of GOD help me, though I cannot conceive how His thoughts are above mine. This staid me something, and withal put me to multiply my prayers, and to increase the importunity: But, after I was for three days fearfully shaken, having communicated my case to none, the LORD did at last grant some deliverance, not by removing the cause, but by restraining SATAN. I got a negative peace that I was not troubled, but lived as I was wont for a year after that, until the same temptation. occurred again. It is the LORD that raises the wind and storm, and that calms them again; and,' O, what a mercy and power, that ever my conscience should be clear of such a storm! It is yet a wonder unto me: If he give peace, who can trouble Let never any despair after me, though he were certain of hell; the gladdest word I could hear was, that my sins were pardonable, and that there was a possibility to be saved. In no case man is to despair, GOD can help in every case.

A third Providence happened to me a year after upon the same occasion. One Sabbath-day at night I had made some vows in my last trouble, that I would seek GOD more diligently than I had done; but when the LORD'S arrows were out of my reins, I forgot what I promised, and turned as bad as ever, being seduced with carnal company at the College: But the LORD gave me an awakening; for the sermon I had heard, being a relation of some under terrors of conscience, and their sad condition, had some impressions on my spirit, so that by nine o'clock in my bed, recalling to mind my old sins for some hours, a more violent storm broke out than any I had ever felt: I looked on myself as one that bad undoubtedly sinned unpardonably; I saw in GOD'S countenance terror, wrath, hatred and vengeance; and some of my natural enmity against the LORD did break out likewise; so that I struggled, murmured and fretted against GOD, like the damned in hell, for suffering me to sin unpardonably. Want of hope is terrible: I was as if in hell; no visible thing did uphold me, only the secret power of GOD; I was in an hourly expectation when SATAN should come and take me away; and it was beaten upon me with a mighty impression, that I was delivered to the Devil. It was impossible for me to pray; for in approaching to GOD,' I approached to my torment. I sought with sleep to pass away that night, the sorrowfullest that I ever endured, and so wear away my horrors, and hoped the morning would some way cheer me: But I could not sleep, my horror still increased, and. hopelessness was the sting of all my evils. It entered into my head once to put hands to myself; but this temptation did not take, for I looked on it as a mad thing to torment myself before the time; it was hell I feared, and should I then run to it At last, after much tossing, and hardly praying, it pleased GOD somewhat to allay my horror with these considerations, which I thought some good- spirit suggested-unto me: Thou knows not how you sinnedst, nor rememberest the frame of thy heart at that time; and wilt you then condemn thyself upon uncertainties This was rational, but did not calm my heart; it, like cold water cast on a burning, did for a time ease it, but did not heal, because little of GOD was here. At length the LORD brake in with this, It is certain, that those who have sinned. the sin against the HOLY GHOST can never sincerely repent. Yes, said I, that is true. Well, said the LORD, take but this counsel: Suspend for a time judging of yourself, neither concluding that your sin is- pardonable, nor that it is not, till you see whether GOD will give repentance, or not: Therefore, while the LORD spares you life, try him with this, and seek repentance of him: If he give grace, then may you be certain and infallibly persuaded that you have not sinned this sin; but, if not, and that GOD give you not repentance, you can but be damned, and by this course you can be no worse than you are; you may get some peace in the mean time. This prevail ed; and the LORD by it calmed my spirit, so within a few days all the impressions of this temptation vanished.

4. During this time I lived in divers sins; as (1.) In seeking and living in pleasures. (2.) Omitting of duties, and excellent occasions of powerful sermons that were at that time preached by the ablest men in the kingdom; likewise I neglected to improve the society of godly Christians. (3.) Neglecting my book and mis-spending my time. (4.) Continuing in a course of enmity against the most godly, and defaming them sometimes falsely. (5.) Playing at cards, dice and other lotteries, and that in a place where severe laws were made against them. (6.) Defaming of my neighbors with pasquils and light poems. (7.) 1 was light in my conversation. (8.) Wasting and spending much money unnecessarily.

5. From all this I learn, (1.) The time of youth is the

most fit season to seek GOD. I found much tractableness in myself while I was young. (2.) That the best means under heaven for seasoning young ones with the -knowledge of GOD, is the admonition, care and watchfulness of superiors; this was the only thing that did me good. (3.) That the LORD does usually bless this means with success when it is made conscience of. (Gen. 18: 19.) ABRAHAM shall teach his children, and they shall keep my commandments. The pains of others upon me had some effect on my spirit, even whilst much did not appear unto others. (4.) God is at much pains with sinners ordinarily before he draw them fully, wholly and effectually to himself. I was far from conversion at this time; only I learned that there was a certain glorious state of grace to which some were brought, and that I was a stranger unto it. (5.) God is good to the unthankful and evil, when they are in extremity. He heareth the cry of nature, and did hear me in my extremity when I cried to him. (6.) Let never any man upon any account neglect the use of prayer, or other means, though it seems never so unreasonable; for against hope, sense and reason, when I was put to prayer, it was not in vain. (7.) It is ordinary to seek to other Physicians and means, and to rest on them, before there be a coming to CHRIST. (8.) All false rests will fail, and will wear away, and must do so without CHRIST; partly because of their decaying nature; partly because, while these continue green anti fresh, the soul will not come to CHRIST. (9.) A soul that is a stranger to GOD and true conversion, may receive some great favors and deliverantes at the LORD'S hand, and may have particular and clear experiences of the LORD'S power and goodness, as AGAR, and be therewith affected. (Gen. 16: 13.) (1O.) I find the neglect or careless performance of private duties, especially meditation and prayer, to have ever a great influence on all the decays that happen to a person. (Exod. 17: 11. Psalm lvi. 9. Matt. 26: 41.)

CHAPTER 2

Declaring the Way and Manner of my Conversion,

and of some Things that happened then and immediately after.

1. ABOUT the time that the related Providences happened unto me at the University, being at the age of seventeen or eighteen years, our Minister proposed to celebrate the Sacrament of the LORD's Supper, of which he gave warning the Sabbath preceding, I purposed (I know not upon what ground) to partake thereof. I had always a reverend esteem of that ordinance, and was under the deep impressions of eating and drinking my own damnation: The LORD did therefore put it into my mind, both by ordinary and extraordinary means, to do my utmost endeavor to attain to a converted condition; nor was I of the judgment that conversion was within the compass of my own power, but I hoped, that doing diligence, the LORD might help; and for this cause set to work immediately, beseeching God that he would effectually work upon my spirit, seeing all former means had been used in vain. I went to sermon, and I found a better relish in the sermon than I had wont to find, and had an ear to hearken more attentively than at other times: After we were gone from Church I spent the rest of the day in spiritual exercise, and so continued very diligent in seeking the Lord, growing daily in the knowledge and love of his ways; seeing a beauty, and finding a relish that I never knew before. Books and discourses - of practical Divinity were sweet, and so were spiritual exercises; I had now tasted of the wine, but had not bought it.

2. But on Wednesday about six o'clock at night, finding by marks I had read in books that I was not converted, and not getting that I expected, I was much troubled. Sometimes I thought that I would suspend communicating at that time; and if this resolution had prevailed, I would. not have troubled myself with religion at that time: But hoping still for some good, I continued in my resolution; yet, as I said, when I saw all in vain, and that I met not with what I expected, though I met with more than ever I did before, discouragements did quite overwhelm me; and withal, this apprehension lay heavy on me, and haunted me like a ghost, that it was in GODs mind never to do me good: So that fear, discouragement, despair, and some horror and grief, all took hold of me. I resolved to set the next day apart for fasting, and therein to seek GOD, hoping that these extraordinary means might do something. Hanging therefore by this small thread, I went to prayer with many sad complaints; and the Lord, while I was like the Prodigal Son yet a great way off, ran to meet me. I addressed myself to speak to the LORD CHRIST, and then was there a Gospel-view given me of him; and some considerations and representations of CHRIST were brought into my mind, that he was a Friend and Savior to poor sinners, their only Helper, "the Way, and the Truth, and the Life," that died for them, and One willing to be reconciled. What shall I say While I was thus exercised, a marvelous light shined on my understanding, and with the eyes of my mind, not of my body, I saw that Just One in his glory and love and offices, and beauty of his person;. such a sight as I never did see any thing like it, and which did so swallow me up, that I turned speechless, and only said, What is this And where am I now The glory, love, and loveliness of JESUS, revealed to me, did very far exceed all that ever I saw or could see in the world, insomuch, that there was no comparison; 1: was drawn by this; and after I had recovered, I said, O LORD, you have overcome me! Heart and hand, and all that I have is thine; I am content to live and die with thee. Begone, poor world and beggarly vanities, and despiteful Devil and flesh,' I will serve you no longer; I know now of a Master and Lover, to whom henceforth I will dedicate myself.'

Now are all my doubts loosed; and now I see I have not sinned the sin against the HOLY GHOST. What shall I now do for the LORD Let heaven and earth, angels and men praise him; for he has looked graciously upon me, and that in my low condition. What am I or my father's house, that thine eye should be cast on me There followed upon this such liberty as I thought I could spend the whole night in prayer.. Now was I persuaded that I was come to that pitch which formerly I wanted; and all the clouds vanished which were between the LORD and my soul. This continued in its strength only for a quarter of an hour, and then it abated as to its measure, though not altogether; but after I rose from prayer, I went to the fields, and there sang songs of triumph: I comforted myself in toy new condition, and I prophesied to myself much more, seeing these were but the beginnings: Nor did I think my happiness could be equalled by any; and now was I fully content to communicate. I longed for some quiet place to pour out my soul unto the Lord, for I thought he would return again; but he did not. I bore the first repulse, hoping that at last the LORD would return. All scruples, fears and doubts were banished. I went to bed.; and when I was lying down, Now, said I, sleep securely, and so thou may, seeing you art reconciled to GOD. Never could I do it one night before; but now let heaven and earth go together.

1. But the LORD withdrawing that comfortable presence which I enjoyed before, humbled me very much; and mists began to arise, and the sky to darken Yet I sought the Lord though in heaviness of heart; and indeed was not idle: But discouragements increased, and still nothing but absence, insomuch as I thought my condition worse than ever. I sought the LORD night and day, as much through sense of the danger of the want of him, as through any thing else; but all would not do. The Sabbath came, on which the Sacrament was to be given; my fears and sorrows increased, and I was tempted not to communicate. There was one MR. R. B. serving the table; he proposed an objection which some doubting Christians might have: "Many will say," says he, ", Oh! I fear to draw on more guilt in my communicating. But, Oh!" said he, "would to GOD- that there were many of this judgment! But I will tell thee, poor doubting thing, whether you may come or not: Tell me, Wast you seeking CHRIST

or not this week" " Yes," quoth I quietly. " It is like you have found something then: And did CHRIST drop in myrrh in the lock of the door of thy heart before he went away Know it, poor soul, he will come again, for that is his token; and you may come here, and in his name I

invite thee." This drew me to come, though 1:found no sensible presence at that time; and thereupon ensued great fears. Yet the same MIA. R. B.-did in the afternoon encourage me again, so that I resolved to take courage.

2. Finding these discouragements did no good, and that comforting my heart did no ill, I resolved to cheer myself, and used some general encouraging considerations, and therewith was some way strengthened to go about my work. You art now engaged to be the LORD'S servant; wait upon him, and trust thy reward unto him. This advice did no ill. Then sermons were very sweet unto me, and so was the exercise of all spiritual duties, so that I grew in the knowledge of the ways of GOD; and the more I knew, I was the more delighted in him: Every spiritual duty did

relish with me, and I was not well but when out of one duty into another; yea, the most cold prayers and discourses concerning godliness were sweet, and opportunities of prayer and getting good were highly prized by me. I began within a month's time to be more slack; but the Lord warmed me of it, and I mended my pace.

3. Thus was the everlasting seed sown that was the light of glory then arising upon my soul: But this did not long continue: for shortly after, there arose a more grievous storm, and of longer continuance than any I had met with yet: The Sacrament being to be given in the town about that time, I resolved to partake thereof, to see if I could get any thing from GOD; and for this cause prepared myself diligently, and went about the work of self-examination But being but young, and having small experience of my own heart, I could get little clearness; however this exercise stirred up some things ready to die in me, and I did still grow in the knowledge and love of the truth; until one afternoon, which I had set apart for seeking of GOD, I was reading on Luke 22:, where CHRIST did eat the Passover with his disciples; and reading these words, "And the twelve Apostles with him," I know not how it came to pass, but, reflecting on my deadness in reading such love as this, I concluded I had no grace; and withal observing how CHRIST was so familiar with his Apostles, and how unkind to me, the apprehensions of distance and separation from CHRIST were so fearful, that incontiniently the wind was up very boisterous, and I was brought again to the rack. Then did my evil nature discover itself to me, and then did I murmur against GOD, that was so kind to others, and yet kept such distance with me; I envied, as I thought, the very apostles. Fretting and murmuring did but like rain increase the floods; so that in sorrow and bitterness of heart I walked up and down for want of God whom I could not find, and under the sensible apprehensions of his wrath.. All these things with the fearful frame of my spirit, did put me in great horror, so that I lost almost all hope. Then was I again vehemently urged that I had sinned the sin against the HOLY GHOST; so that I could get nothing spoken for myself. And that which did heighten all this was, that the law brake in upon me, that " sin might become exceeding sinful, and wrought in me all manner of disobedience;" for my heart murmured, fretted and swelled against GOD for guiding me thus; and, having terrible apprehensions of him, I could not love him And now, said conscience, see how you smellest already of hell; how can you imagine that GOD will look upon thee that have such a cursed nature'!; the brand of the reprobate is upon thee; why wilt you therefore pray or hope any more Yet, notwithstanding would I pray, and that frequently; I know not what put me out to it. Many times did I grovel on the ground, and sought his favor and compassion; then was it that my tears were my meat; then was prayer bitterness to me, and my mouth closed, and I as it were bound `with bands; for GOD was never more terrible than when I approached to him in prayer. I remember one day, praying out in the fields, I had this expression; LORD, if you wilt for nothing else compassionate me, yet compassionate my young years; and yet I know not how you can break thy faithful word, who have said, that such as sin against the HOLY GHOST shall never be pardoned. Nature seeks its own preservation, and therefore, having no other shift to make, I applied myself to my LORD only: And now my greatest trouble was concerning the unpardonableness of my sins, especially that particular sin; yet would my spirit calm between hands, and be at ease for a while. I thought the Devil had a great hand in my temptations: For said I, While I was walking after the flesh, there was nothing of this seen or heard; but since I have come to and engaged with CHRIST, is all this come upon me. I continued in the extremity of this condition but a few days, never opening my case to any: I was sent for by my relations upon some emergent occasion; I was glad of the opportunity, because by that means I should shun the Sacrament that was to be given about that time; but, coming there, my horrors increased; I thought every creature happy but myself; meat, drink and company were a burden to me.

4. While I was thus hopeless and helpless, not knowing what to do; to aggravate all my miseries, I was to hear a dead lifeless Preacher Ah, and must I, said I; have this with all my evils, to. come under a dead Ministry But I went with the rest, thinking it indifferent whom I heard, seeing I saw it beyond the power of means-to help me. The text was, "PAUL an Apostle of JESUS CHRIST." (1 Tim. 1: 1.) I went between sermons to a secret place, and there poured out my soul to God in prayer; but felt no refreshing. I came unto the afternoon's sermon again; but, behold the LORD'S goodness! From an unexpected hand, and from so general a text, and at such an unexpceted time, the Lord did send a calm, and did that which I thought was impossible, namely, clear me fully (after all my considerations had been in vain) that I had not sinned unpardonably, from these words which he cited in his sermon, " Howbeit God forgave me, because I did it ignorantly and in unbelief." The SPIRIT

said, Whatever thy sins have been, they have been done in unbelief, or whilst you wait an unbeliever, when thou knewest nothing of God. This was enough; God may make any thing strong to do his work. The Devil and all his storms were rebuked and calmed, and that suddenly, and so fully, that I was never after assaulted with temptations of sinning against the HOLY GHOST.. My heart was made holy, and I put on a full resolution to seek the LORD till I should find him: And now I had good hopes, seeing my sins were pardonable; and this hope produced a cheerful endeavor to seek the LORD, which I did, and was laboring to do good unto others, and to spread the knowledge of CHRIST, by which means I daily grew in the knowledge and love of GOD.

5. I look upon this as the time of my conversion, and that then the everlasting seed was sown; that heaven was begun, and CHRIST formed within me, upon these considerations, (1.) Because I found my heart changed: As to my company, I hated the most strict before, but now I

loved and delighted most in the most holy and strict people And this love was universal, so that when either I heard tell of a godly man, or saw him, my heart warmed; and the " love of the brethren" I look on as a sign that I am translated from death to life." (1 John 3: 14.) (2.) Because I found anew esteem of, a great delight in, and love to and longing after the ordinances of CHRIST and his commands; I saw a glory in them, every thing that savored of GOD was sweet. (3.) Because I found my heart at that instant mortified to the world, and the esteem of and delight in it gone. (4.) Because my soul did see, esteem, love and delight in the LORD JESUS, and preferred Him not only to -the world, but to saints, duties and ordinances; and made a perpetual, cordial and personal covenant to live with Him- and serve Him. (5.) I found a glorious, universal, and abiding change, wrought by the LORD himself, " from sin and SATAN to GOD," and " from darkness to light." All things were then new. (6.) 1 was carried with great zeal for the LORD against all sin and sinners; and did strive to draw all men to CHRIST, by instructing and exhorting them. (7.) I found a new light discovering to me the mysteries of the kingdom of GOD, and making me from that time forward to understand the Scriptures, the exercise of saints recorded in Scripture; and I delighted not only in the history of the Scripture, but in the prophecies, promises, doctrines and spiritual part thereof, which I never relished before. Then were wisdom and her. ways pleasant, and became plain to me, which were before locked up as a mystery. (8.) In respect of the LORD'S after dealing with me, and of his former dealing; for he was preparing me before, and driving me out of my false rests And ever after, although there have been shakings and interruptions, yet has that spark never died which was

kindled, but has been growing more and more; some good ever remained, and, in my sorest decays, the impressions of GOD's dealing at this time remained, so that there was a longing after the First Husband, which was the means to reduce me out of a back-sliding condition: And there

fore I look upon it as the " well of water springing up to everlasting life."

6. I have looked on the Lord's dealings towards me, and

what this manifestation of himself in such a manner might speak to me, and what might be the ends thereof; and, after inquiry, I found them to be, (I.) To draw the soul to God by faith and love. He lets us taste his wine, that it may be bought; and therefore is there a u seeing of the SON" and a " believing on Him. (John 6: 4O; 20: 29.) O love, and come to this Glorious One, and having discovered Him to be the "Loin of Glory, open the-everlasting doors," yea, and When this love is dead, quicken it again, by remembering Him. (2.) To strengthen our faith in his love, and our hope of heaven; and therefore has he given this testimony of his love, revealing to me that rare sight bid from the world, to be a pledge and earnest of heaven; and upon this to build and strengthen my faith, both in drawing near to Him and expecting all good from Him. This revelation of JESUS, enlightening, comforting, and sanctifying, is to me the earnest of the inheritance. (2 Cor. 1: 22.) (3.) To comfort me in my choice, showing that I have not castaway all for shadows. (4.) To make known himself in his condescending power and glory; of which I might doubt if I had not seen with mine own eyes. Why should I doubt of this his power, when I have myself seen such a miracle,% the blind eye, opened, the dead heart quickened and the heart *holly changed. " He that believeth has the witness in himself." (1 John 5: 1O.) O to be raised from bell to heaven!

7. I have likewise been thinking what this storm immediately ensuing should mean; my being cast down into hell, after lifting up to heaven. It was; (1.) To let me see the evil of mine own heart, and exceeding sinfulness thereof; by the murmuring and fierce resistance I made, I perceive that by nature I am a bitter enemy to GOD, full of poison To humble me, and make me acknowledge his grace and love the more. (2.) To-be a ground of faith when in like straits again, and to have a proof of his power; the LORD in my extremity, when there was no appearance of help, when there was nothing in me but forwardness and rebellion; when I cried, yet pitied me, conquering both my sin and misery: And why should I doubt him now again He ever helped me when in extremity, yea, when my case was most desperate. (3.) To acquaint me with the LORD's ways of conversion, and with his terrors, that.I might be a better guide unto others. (4.) That God might by me show a pattern of all long-suffering, who obtained mercy being so wild. (5.) To show his justice as he is the Governor of the world. I was very wicked, and by the law deserved severe punishment; I trampled on GOD's kindness and goodness: And therefore did the righteous LORD make me find sin bitter, and for this cause delivered me over to -SATAN; He took in his own hand and corrected me, not willing that I should die and be condemned with the world.

8. I will conclude with remarking- some instructions and lessons I learned from these Providences. (1.) There is ordinarily in the day of espousals something extraordinary of GOD's love and glory manifested; the fatted calf is killed when' first the Prodigal is brought home. No less can assure them of their FATHER'S love, nor take away their wildness, and make them comply with their new life: Hence, " I will make thee sing as in the days when I brought thee out of the land of Egypt." (Hosea 2: 15.) (2.) The soul in conversion closes chiefly with the person of CHRIST, " If you wilt return, return to me;" (Jer. 4: 1;) and the not doing hereof is complained of, " They return, but not to the most High." (Hosea 7: 16.) (3.) Grace makes a great, wonderful, and universal change; changing the outward life and inward frame. " All things are new;" new prayers, new love, new company, new opinions and new principles A man is much different from what he was, not only while a profane man, but even while a civil or moral man. (4.) There may be much corruption to be mortified in a soul newly brought in to GOD: For notwithstanding all this diligence, delight in duties and joy, I was full of ignorance, unbelief; selfish, proud, conceited and light. Grace is indeed but small when it begins; little faith, patience, and rooted love. (5.) Continued kindness to the LORD speaks more than any particular enjoyment, though never so extraordinary. " Mark the perfect man's" end; see what all ends in., Conclude not peremptorily from beginnings of any, either as to good or evil; I could build little on this, if I did not see it backed with an after-tract of holiness.. (6.) God himself is more eminently seen, in the mercies of his people, than instruments; and therefore ordinarily none does good but himself, and that not in the way, thing, manner, and time they propose unto themselves, but as he proposes. (7.) It is possible folks may meet with more sharp convictions after conversion than: before, especially if they have not been well hammered with the Law. " After ye were enlightened, ye endured a great fight of afflictions:" (Heb. 10: 32:) Which are not to be confined to outward, but inward likewise. But though they create sorrow and discouragements unto them, yet have not they received this spirit of bondage, but the SPIRIT of adoption; and they may come to GOD as a Father: Preternaturally, indeed, and through mistakes and corruptions, it is hindered that it vents not itself in these filial motions; and so they may-be troubled with this spirit of bondage: Howsoever they received it not of God; it is not their allowance.

Sometime after I fell into ~ a sad decay both of life and consolation; the steps of it were these.

Step 1. Was unbelief and doubting of my interest in GOD; and of his love, through a wrong construction of Providences, and ignorance of the covenant of grace; so as I was in Jon's condition; though I had prayed, and God had answered me, yet could I not believe it; I could not believe I was so happy as to be converted: And, having such sad thoughts of myself, I had a bad construction of GOD and all his ways to me, inasmuch as I thought God did in wrath take away my terrors. Ah! said I, Time was when the LORD was taking pains with me, and did lay siege with the Law against my soul; He put me in his fire and furnace, but now will He take no more care of me; now has He, raised his siege, and given me over: O

miserable man that I am! I am left now to the judicial plague of an hard heart; I am to pine out the rest of my days in vanity, sin, and trouble. And when my heart was easier, This, said I, is but to make me secure; it is but a delusion: Which had these sad effects upon my soul; (1.) Strange and hard thoughts of GOD as of an enemy, as one that envied our good. (2.) I judged all that GOD said of his love in his word to be but compliments or snares to intrap; and so made him a liar, and by this means was made incapable to be taken with CHRIST'S allurements in the Gospel. (3.) Hence I could neither love nor believe Him, nor by any means be drawn to him: For how could I love Him in whom I believed I had no other interest than that of a cruel Judge, ready to condemn, and watching for evil against me (4.) I had no will to keep communion with Him. When the Israelites said, " We have no portion or inheritance from the sons of JESSE," the next was, " Every man to his tents." " You shall call me, My FATHER, and shall not depart from me." (Jer. 3: 19.) I was heartless or slight in duties whereby He was honored, and communion with Him entertained; wanting love and hope. Through unbelief my hands were weakened, and I departed from the living GOD. (6.) Finding no satisfaction in GOD, which I could not do whilst these principles remained. "Forsaking GOD, the Fountain of living waters, l hewed broken cisterns." (,ter. 2: 12.)

Step 2. Notwithstanding all this, I had hopes, that yet I might be, converted, and therefore did not despair. Some secret thoughts in duties would drop in persuading me to hope, and some relish in duties Likewise, since I was persuaded by a strong hand my sins were pardonable; this made me continue in the means. SATAN sought to beat me from this, or at least to make me remiss in them; and, knowing that palpable vanities would not do, (for I had been burnt with that candle already,) he would compass this by making me close with an appearance of good, which he did thus: I studied Short-hand, in the study of which, aiming at perfection in it, I was excessive and so taken up altogether from any other thing, that I could scarce get the form of duties gone about twice a day. In the end I resolved to give way, cheated with this, that, the sooner I acquired knowledge herein, I should the sooner have leisure to wait on GOD; but however, this spirit of whoredom caused me to err, and took away my heart.

Step 3. When I was called home, through want of godly company, and dead formal society among which I lived, I was brought a further length of decay, even to omit duties almost altogether; contenting myself ordinarily with bed-prayers, and slight reading of Scripture and godly books. Several things had influence on this; the want of a convenient room, a prevailing spirit of does that would not break through difficulties, some false hopes that all would he well: Sometimes my heart would secretly despair, and prophesy things would never be better, and it is in vain to pray; through these things it came to pass that my, heart turned altogether out of tune, and heeded not my work at all.

Step 4. Then, through want of the fear of GOD, and unwatchfulness, did I become vain and light in my conversation; I followed lies and vanities; complied with sinful customs, made no conscience of what company I calve into,, inventing to myself " instruments of music," seeking content from the creature. When company was away, my heart turned melancholy, but did, not turn to GOD. I would pray when visited with any disappointments; but still through interruption, lost more ground than I gained, so as I went daily down the stream, and grew exceeding hard-hearted: Spiritual duties were a weariness and a burden: And thus I was not only discouraged and remiss in duties, slighting them altogether, but grew very untender and carnal in my conversation. Whence I took a fifth step, which was, going to some relations to pass a visit, where there were many professors and much profession; there I got a dead stroke, so as it is a wonder how I ever recovered.

6. My sins were, (1.) Slighting and omitting of duties public and private.. (2.) Vain and light conversation like the world; the show of my countenance witnessed against me. (3.) Idle jesting. (4.) Breaking the Sabbath with idleness and mine own words. (5.) Following the lusts of the flesh and divers vanities. (6.) Sensuality. (7.) Doing no good, neither glorifying GOD, nor edifying others, nor profiting myself.

7. Notwithstanding all this, the LORD up held me by his right hand, and kept in the dying spark, that all these waters could

not quite extinguish it; I fell not totally away, nor was I utterly forsaken -of GOD. (Jer. 5:.5.) For these things remained:, (1.) I did pray, meditate and read now and then; I was not driven altogether from duties; I did riot show myself to have no knowledge at all, in not calling on God. (Psalm 14: 4.) (n.) There remained a secret and quiet hope, things would be well, and a looking up to him; though, cast down, yet not in despair." (3.) Love and affection to and estimation of the people of GOD, and. delight in them, still remained. (4.) Dissatisfiedness with my present condition, groaning under and mourning when I remembered the days of old; this course was not pleasant, I was like a bone out of joint; these matters were not my element. (5.) Some love to my First Husband remained, and a preferring of the first course even in its worst before this; even as one prefers the day to the night: And often would I say that word, with Jon, " O that it were with me as -in months past, when the candle of the LORD shined upon my head!" (Job 29: 2, 4.) (6.) I knew that it was ill with me; though I slept, yet I was not so dead as to be without sense or knowledge altogether.

8. These things had influence on my decay mainly; (1.) Want of outward and inward afictions: I had " no changes, therefore feared not God." (Psalm 4: 19.) The spurs were out of my side, terrors were away, which drove me to duty. (2.) In respect of the decay of that inward sweetness which accompanied duty formerly; GOD, having brought me out of Egypt into the wilderness, had withdrawn that. (3) Many temptations from within and from without, which the LORI) kept up before. Now the Lord let out my original corruption, and I found nothing but a dead hard heart from within, and discouragement from without, and this made the way more hard. (4.) The powerful means were removed; the good company and powerful sermons were gone which did feed me. (5.) Godless company that had no piety, that did eat out all religion out of me. (6.) The formal, carnal, and lifeless conversation of some (much cried-up) professors made me even despair. (7.) Too eagerly following of lawful comforts, and employments and studies. (8.) Growing remiss in the exercise of duties, especially of private prayer and meditation. (9.)

Not looking to ills in the beginning, but letting them run on; not heeding things, or considering my ways, but sleeping: And therefore became my garden overspread with thorns.

CHAPTER 3

of my Recovery from Darkness.

THE Lord did not raise me all at once out of my backslidden condition, nor without interruption, and I very neatly. The seed was sown, and it bow. As it was sown with little noise, so did it grow up quietly, and had many interruptions and Winters, going backward and forward; like the filling sea, some waves gained ground, and some succeeding lost and abated, but a new overflowing regained all. There would come a wave of the SPIRIT that would overflow largely, but after that a little ebb; and then, when I little expected, there would come a wave that would set and then again; and then a little decay, for a long time I was tossed up and down like a locust, wearied of myself, and of my life, and righteousness, and enlargements of heart, and of all these glories. I was after humiliation command of GOD, t with little strong yet believe at and rest on CHRIST, so as I had never done before; and in process of time, the Lord had almost perfected his work before I had thought he had well begun.' The way and steps of this my recovery were Step l. After I had long departed from GOD, and so gone far away, the Lord made me unsatisfied with my present condition; even in this laughing madness was my heart sorrowful: And when in my jollity, any time I thought on my former state, I would say, O what a sad condition am I in now! " O that it were with me as in months past!" O that I were under CHRIST'S terror again! His glooms were better than. this at best.'

Step 2. I had thoughts to return to my First Husband, but was beaten from this with the apprehensions that it was not time; and hence it became a great case to me, whether the Lord may assault a soul with a spirit of conviction, and leave it and come again Sometimes I

thought I was judicially hardened, and my time gone; but the Lord did take the thorn away, and made me hope,by casting, a book into my hand, the author of which writes of compunction; and he states the case, namely, Whether a man once under convictions, and these dying without fruit, can be again converted' He determined it affirmatively, with such reasons as then convinced me, so, as I resolved to try, though I found therein a great difficulty.

Step 3. Was the setting about the means, with prayer, reading, and meditation. I rested not in bare fruitless wishings, but I was helped to set myself to seek the LORD, though with difficulty. I continued praying morning and evening for some time, and preparing my heart, notwithstanding all my discouragements and indisposition, and little success; for my heart continued hard, dead, and blind, and conversation carnal, and duties were a burden to me.

Step 4. Having for some twenty days prayed, mourned, and complained, and not finding any life, but my deadness increasing, and hearing no word of CHRIST, I began to have suspicions that sentence indeed was passed against me, and that I was sealed under the plague of a hard heart;

and was tempted to cast aside duties as vain: And then I said, O poor soul, you wilt never get so much as a tender heart again, nor so much as once to pour out this thy soul to GOD before you die.' While I was thus exercised, the Lord was pleased to let me again taste some of the sweetness of duties; for one time I went in the multitude of my thoughts to the Lord in prayer, and it pleased the SPIRIT to blow and to open my heart, so as I prayed with abundance -of tears and great liberty, and I found much sweetness in the work. Now, although I was not satisfied with this, yet I was comforted, in that it was a proof to me that the LORD had not quite forsaken me, and that after this there would come better.

Step 5. I began to fall more closely to work, and put other sails on,. and more irons in the fire; then did I write diaries, make vows and covenants., and fall to the work of self-examination, and write some infant notions of practical Divinity, and my meditations on several texts, which did the good, and at first helped me forward.

Step 6. The Lord by duties wearied me with them, mortified me to my self-righteousness, and did with labor bring down my heart, (I.) He discovered unto me, and let me feel the evil and power of my heart: Then did I groan under the burden of a dead, blind, and carnal heart, and

the body of death was my great exercise, and heart-ills, especially hardness of heart: And thus more sensibly than ever I was wearied and burdened with my heart, though not in horror. (p2.) The Long let me see the sinfulness of all my duties and best actions; the formality, lifelessness, and corrupt principles. whence they proceeded, and my great short-comings, so as I knew these were not my saviors, and turned mine eyes from them. (3.) I was wearied with myself, my sins, and duties, dragged through various dispensations, and burdened with fruitless labor I saw I could not put my heart in a frame, nor keep my heart in a frame when it was in it, but still did break my resolutions. My duties yielded neither peace nor satisfaction, nor did they mortify sin; for I was but rowing against the stream, and after a long time worse in my own

conceit than before: I was dying sometimes, and living again. When like to die, the LORD would look upon me, and put it in my heart to seek him, and would send down influences, and enlarge my soul with love and desires after himself, and sorrow for sin, and new resolutions; and

this would quicken me for a while, and make me hope and seek the LORD; and then again my soul would be over clouded, and I would turn unwatchful, and fall to my ordinary sins, and depart from the LORD: And with this I was vexed, because my resolutions were broken; and I was

discouraged, and despaired ever to come up; and was weakened, thinking, How shall I look the LORD in the face What security can I now give him for my behavior Yet, whilst thus discouraged, not knowing what to do, and unable to think of what might do me good, GOD would shine in upon my soul; and among a hundred visits of this kind he gave me, and by which he many times restored my dying heart to life, he was pleased still to come out and create a new thing, some new ground, and the floods would still increase. How often have I said,' Now, sure the LORD will come, and will not tarry; now I shall keep fast what I have.' But I was deceived: " All flesh is grass, and the glory thereof withereth." I have said

sometimes in my extremity, Now, what is it that can quicken me Surely I can never recover out of this, though GOD should open windows in heaven.' Then would the LORD show his power and condescension, and would quicken me, and put away my fears, and make me look cheerful, and cause me to put on new resolutions. In a word, I was thus wearied and burdened in a wilderness for the space of three full years, and poured from vessel to vessel.

Step 7. When all failed, and that I was at the point of dying, the LORD would send some extraordinary thing, some fit word, some good book, that would quicken me and strengthen me to spend half nights in prayer. Sometimes, meeting with other Christians, the LORD would rain some seasonable word; and nothing did me more good than stories relating to GOD's dealing with others. Likewise, being in the South, the LORD visited me with a powerful Ministry, which did keep in my dying life, and greatly encouraged me; many a time was my swooning life revived, and I brought from the gates of death. These waterings insensibly sanctified me more and more both in heart and conversation, and made heavenly things relish with my soul; and by them I was made more capable to receive the LORD, and my eyes therewith kept waking.

Step 8. After I was thus humbled, I proceeded another step even to resign myself to the LORD. It was occasioned by reading a sermon of MR. ANDREW GRAY'S, on these words, " My son, give me thy heart." I cried out, ' O LORD, though I cannot command this evil heart to thee; yet, if I have power or right of it, I here legally renounce that right in thy favor, and make over myself to thee, and all that is within me: Now, LORD, take me at my word, and take advantage of this to claim me as thine own; accept the real motions of my will: O that CHRIST would now look on me as his, and make use of this 'right!, In the strength of this I walked for some time, though it did not always satisfy; ' LORD, you offerest thyself to me, and I cannot take thee; LORD, I likewise offer myself to thee, you may take me, but wilt not: O! others take advantage of my bargains! O that CHRIST would do so, and challenge a claim and right to me! LORD, you sayest you art willing to do me good; LORD, I offer myself to thee to do with me what you wilt; only let me not be guided by myself.' Here came I, and I did stick and wrestle. for some time,

striving to come forth. This was in July, and I continued till the latter end of August thus.

From which I observe this: (1.) That folk may contract by backsliding what they will not in a very long time recover again, and the dregs of it may remain after they are indeed begun to return to the LORD: The security and indispositions I then contracted, I am not free from yet. (2.) A man's whole life is but a conversion; and the LoRD,after every kind of backsliding draws after the same way as at the, first conversion, yea, and deals so with them as they may seem never to have been converted before. Yea, I found a more distinct preparatory work after my first drawing than ever before: For the LORD did things suddenly at first, and in a very little time did let me see that I was undone, that I was not converted, nor could convert myself; and the insufficiency of duties and an unconverted condition, with GODs wrath, had some impressions on my spirit: And then the LORD revealed CHRIST unto me, on whom I believed, and with whom I closed. But now the LORD did draw me very clearly, and insist in every step so, as that all the knowledge I have of the work of preparation, I have it from what I met with after I knew CHRIST, more than from what I met with at first. (3.) The strongest, last and bitterest enemy the Lord has, and which he abborreth most, is spiritual pride; against this he setteth himself mainly; I mean, the vain-glory folk have in their own strength, and their own righteousness. It is hard to get our high conceits down, and to glorify God and make use of his righteousness. It is easy to let a man see he is not converted, that he cannot save himself; but it is hard persuading him that he can do nothing, not so much as be thankful for the least mercy Ye will not persuade him to live, and live only in, to, and by another, and submit himself, his will in all things to GOD. (4.) It is the frequency and constancy of God's

waterings that do good, rather than any measure of a particular visitation; and from this more love may be gathered, " If my words abide in you. He that endures to the end shall be saved." (John 15: 7.) (Il.) Unwatchful ness is a constant and deadly evil, prejudicial to a progress

in grace. Meantime the LORD intending to settle me, made nie learn to live by faith. The way and manner whereof, as I remember, I shall set down; which was the last step of my recovery.

1. Finding no rest still, I began to be sorrowful and disconsolate, and, like PHARAOX'S chariots, to drive on heavily. I continued waiting in the means; and one day, as I was reading, I read these words in Haggai 2: 17, " I smote e in all the labor of your hands, yet ye turned not to me,' says the LORD." I applied this spiritually; that is, thought I, God has smitten me in all my labors, duties, resolutions and vows, and for all this I turned not to Gon: But wherein am I not turned Have I not left my sins, mourned, prayed, read and meditated What remains yet to be done What duty or means do I slight, What pains, in my power, have I withholden I therefore cast mine eyes upon all duties; and while I was thus searching, some blessed motion was suggested to me, that I had all my life-time slighted the duty of believing, and had not turned to God by faith; therefore until this thou do, God will ever continue smiting thee in all the labors of thy hand, "for without faith it is impossible to please

GOD:" And it has been the want of this, and this only, quoth that has blasted thee in all thine endeavors. Faith, I, astonished, what is this! LORD, now keep me from a delusion. Yes, faith, of which so much is spoken in Scripture, - that is the main grace,' said the SPIRIT. These things made me some way apprehensive of the matter.

2. I now found that faith had a great place in religion; and withal, looking to myself, I found that I had very little practiced it, and was as great a stranger to it as those disciples (Acts xix. 1, 2) were to the knowledge of the HOLY GHOST; I knew not what it was, nor had formerly

exercised it, or distinctly and expressly heard of it; for this ill principle remained with me, namely, I believed that none should believe but persons so and so qualified, which until I could find, I thought 1 was to be in my prison and mourn.

3. The LORD did convince me fully that I should believe, and that it was the duty of every one: For as I said before, I thought that only persons so and so qualified were bound to believe; but the merciful LORD himself did unloose this knot, by calling me to him, convincing me

that it was my duty so to do; and thereby the chains wherewith SATAN had for a long time bound me, and kept me from the distinct exercise and life of faith, were broken And that which is wonderful is, I heard it an hundred times pressed in sermons to believe, and yet until that day

was never persuaded it was my duty to believe, nor never minded that exercise at all. The grounds whereby I was then persuaded to believe, or that believing was my duty, yea, and that all were bound to believe, which was the first point, were these: (1.) That Scripture, co This is his com

mandment, that ye believe on the name of the Son of GOD." (1 John 3: 23.) Then it is commanded, concluded I; and why is it not duty Nay, is it not the great command Dost you question that prayer is thy duty Truly it is thy duty, because commanded: Then faith, or receiving of CHRIST, being commanded likewise, it is thy duty as well as prayer. (2.) Wicked unregenerate men are commanded to believe; and it is the great duty, more acceptable to God than any you can perform. " What is the work of GOD, that we should work it" (John 6: 28.) The answer (29) was very contrary to their, expectations " This is the work of GOD, that ye believe on him whom be has sent:" This is the first, the great command, and a command tying even such as were the Jews. (3.) That Scripture was brought to my mind,1 ABRAHAM by believing glorified GOD," (ROM. 4: 2O,) compared with Numbers 20: 12, " Because ye believed not, to sanctify my name before this people, therefore ye shall not bring this people into the land promised." Now, seeing believing glorifies GOD, you art bound unto it; for every man is bound to glorify God: Who questions this Believing glorifies GOD, in acknowledging his power, goodness, and rich grace. (4.) The SPIRIT urged this argument, The wicked are pun

ished for not believing, therefore it is their duty to believe.

See Psalm lxxviii. 32, 33, "He consumed their days in vanity, because they believed not on him;" and so shall he do with thee, if you do not believe. (5.) This was confirmed to me by the first Scripture, and by the language of Providences: What else could I call my continual disappointments and' fruitless labors, but a call to me to try what this might do -My days were consumed, and therefore by my stroke I might read my sin..

4. The LORD having by these persuaded and convinced me that it was my duty- to believe, and rolled this stone away from the sepulchre; he proceeded next to answer my manifold objections, which then did begin to swarm and keep me from believing. The main were: (1.) I cannot believe, and therefore why am I called to believe It is the gift of GOD, and why should I hammer out a faith of my own bowels This will not be accepted. It was answered, The LORD, by thus drawing and inviting thee, gives thee power to come, as it was when he called on dead LAZARUS to live and come forth. And besides, you cannot sanctify a Sabbath, nor pray; yet it is thy duty, and you goest about it as you can; so do here. Yea, to the wearied it is not impossible. A second Objection was, I fear. I may presume. It was answered, To believe, in obedience to a command, is no presumption: When thou receivest CHRIST, and in this act believest on and restest in him for pardon, this being obedience cannot be presump

tion, for it is no presumption to obey GOD; to believe uncalled, is presumption, or unwarrantable.-Objection 3. I am not enough humbled, my heart is dead and hard, and I am altogether insensible of my condition, and therefore how can I be called to believe For it is the weary" and

heavy-laden" that are called to come. It was answered, It maybe so, but this gives no right to come; it is the call and command of GOD, and Gospel-offers, which give a right, and not any qualification: You art miserable, and naked,. and wild; all is true: But how can it be otherwise, when you has lived at such a distance from CHRIST, who is the Fountain of life If you wouldest believe, He would give thee what you wantest; there is no other way of receiving life, but by coming to him. (John 5: 4O.)

Objection 4. But I cannot prize CHRIST; nor am I prepared. It was answered, That as faith fetches all from him, so fetches it prizing of him too; for if faith fetches all from CHRIST, then it brings nothing to CHRIST but deadness, blindness and sinfulness: Come to him for grace to prize him; if you once wouldest "believe," then CHRIST would be "precious" to thee. (1 Pet. 2: 7.) Emptiness is the best qualification: " The hungry He filleth with good things, but the rich He sends away empty." There is no more required than what makes thee willing to accept Him; if therefore you be willing to accept CHRIST, you prizest him sufficiently, and art sufficiently prepared. Objection 5. You findest no glorious power drawing thee. It was answered, Yet I find the LORD in his word Calling me, and this is as sufficient a, ground to thee as though he came personally and visibly here, and desired this of thee; and therefore do now what you wouldest do then.

I confess, by answering these objections, and by other arguments, the LORD did sensibly and seasonably, and with a strong hand, convince me that it is my duty to believe. O, will he take such a vile worm as I Yes, he will; for you art the fittest person in the world for him to

glorify his grace on. The LORD did incessantly follow me with these thoughts, yea, I found a sensible power dealing with me.

5. The LORD did also by suitable Providences back the call of his word upon my spirit; for on a day of private humiliation it was my ordinary way to read Heb. 11: and the first Epistle Of PETER, where so much is spoken of faith. Then all Scripture concerning faith, and treatises speaking thereof, and meditations of it, were sweet, which now I began to understand. I was now come as it were to a new world, and there was such a stir upon my spirit as I never found the like before: Fain would I believe, but Ali I could not! I found a spirit of resistance, there was a blindness upon my eyes; I knew not what believing was, nor on whom. On the one hand, the LORD by his commands, motives, earnest invitations,. promises, and answer ing objections, yea, and terrible threatenings in case of unbelief, was pushing me forward, and that speedily; for all doors were shut but this of faith: For I could neither pray nor do any thing, in respect of the sinfulness of it without faith, and therefore this. Behooved to be my first work. On the other hand, ignorance of CHRIST, and of the duty of believing, and fear of presumption and believing on my own strength, did toss me like a ball; I knew not what to do, but like a weak child stuck in the birth O, said I, how can I believe! "Loin), help my unbelief," and pity me, you who has been with me so wonderfully through the great and terrible wilderness, and brought me even to the borders of the good land; O help here! Well; said the Lord, do but rely on CHRIST for life with confidence that He will help thee. In this and to this I found some strength; and then I endeavored it, and said, Behold, I come to thee, LORD, do not you cast me off But the LORD said, Come -not only to see what CHRIST will do with thee, but likewise rest upon and believe from his goodness that He will do all that you stand in need of. Well then, answered my heart, since it is so, I will take my hazard; and on thee I cast myself, come of it what will. And verily that which seemed in my most serious exercise to be the notion of faith by which I closed with CHRIST was, a certain kind of persuasion and rest in it that I had, the LORD would do me good, and help me in all things: And the great thing that was pressed upon me was, not to doubt of CHRIST, especially his good-will; in which in some measure I rested.*

After much struggle, I Well, (said I,) O LORD, since it is so, that I must of necessity believe, against sense and reason, and as I can, I do give my soul to thee, and trust you wilt save me from all my sins;' and though this be counted presumption, yet I will trust in him. I was much strengthened herein from Job 13: 15, "Though he kill me, yet will I trust in him." Though all things seem to cry, despair and die, and though for my presumption he should kill me, yet I will trust in him; and now, Lord, since I have sealed this bargain, and closed with thee, send strength, not for any thing in me, but because I am thy servant, that I may honor thee my Master.

6. I had no sooner spoken these words, but the LORD revealed himself and his love. Then were my eyes opened to see love in all dispensations. O this was a heart-ravishing consideration! The LORD, that followed me many a weary day, never rested till he had completed his work with me, and till he had engaged me to believe. O the love of CHRIST! If CHRIST had no power to help a poor sinner, but had love, he would even die over it.

7. From this I observe, (1.) That before ever a soul can believe, he must be called of GOD; for else no man would, could, or should come. (p2.) That the immediate end of effectual calling is to receive CHRIST by faith, or to believe in and rest on him for all things. (John 6: 28; Matt. 22: 3; Isaiah 4: 1.) For though the Saints be said to be called to heaven, to peace, to be holy, yet is not this - the immediate end of effectual calling, but, as I said, to receive JESUS CHRIST, and all things freely offered in the Gospel. (3.) This call is inward as well as outward, borne in upon our spirit. GOD deals with the heart, for the outward call will never do alone. (4.) This call is a glorious call, and stamped with majesty and authority. As it is the LORD that calls, so does he stamp his own name on it, so that the soul knows it is God that is dealing with him: And so, "c where the word of a King is,-there is power;" and "who may say unto him, What doest thou" (5.) Faith is neither to love CHRIST, nor to be content to take him, for that is wrought already; (to love a person, and to be content to marry him, is not marriage, it is but a disposition to marriage;) nor yet to believe that he is able to save, or to hope; but it is to believe on CHRIST, that he is yours, and will bestow himself and all things on you; and when thus you believe, you have it: Or, it is a cordial assent, and particular application of the promises, giving CHRIST and all

his benefits. "Give but a particular and cordial assent to the Gospel, and that is believing; and he never heard the Gospel, to whom it- spoke not this. (6.) True humiliation does not consist in legal terrors, nor yet in the continuance of terrors; else the damned should be most humbled: Rather in a conviction of the want,of all things, raising a dissatisfaction with the present condition, and a despair of self, and a justifying of GOD in all matters. Yea, the truest preparations for CHRIST are a sense and conviction of vileness, and guiltiness, deadness, hardness, and blindness, and a weariedness with the world, and duties, and the evil heart. (7.) Though all be humbled, all are not alike humbled.; So, though all believers be drawn to CHRIST and united to him, yet are not all drawn in the same manner to CHRIST: To some heaven as it were is opened, the LORD revealing the glory of JESUS to them, so as they leave all in a moment, and come flying to him; the soul is so overpowered, that it cannot but cleave to the Lord JESUS. There are others that are under deep horrors, and brought down to hell, and distracted with terrors; and CHRIST is lovely as One that saves from wrath and hell. Necessity makes them flee to the City of Refuge. Some under the sense of a dead, blind, empty. heart, flee to him for life and eye-salve more expressly. Some find they cannot come they desire the LORD to bring them. Some by the sense of a command desperately venture, and their faith is an act of willfulness. (Job 13: 15.) Some come to CHRIST, and they hang, (having his yromise, " That whosoever comes, he will in no wise-cast off,") by expectation, hope, and desire, until a greater window be opened in heaven; and then they clearly receive CHRIST, when the LORD JESUS is given, so as the everlasting doors are opened. Some close with CHRIST by way of marriage-consent and contract, CHRIST overcoming the heart by love. (8.) The soul, in believing, closes with the person of CHRIST, and closes with him only and for ever; to come to CHRIST for his benefits only, is not a personal love; to come to CHRIST, but not to him only, is an adulterous marriage; to come to him for some time, and not for ever, is but to give CHRIST -a visit, not to marry him. (9.) The whole life of a man is a continued conversion to-GOD, in which he is perpetually humbled under a sense of sin, and draws nearer and nearer to GOD, with more fervent faith and love, and daily walks closer and closer with the LORD, endeavoring at perfection..(Matt. 18: 3; Luke 22: 32; Prov. 23: 26; Cant. 4: 8; Psalm Ixiv. 7.) And GOD doth, as it were, act over *and over again his work in the heart, forming his people more exactly than before; and therefore no wonder they meet with something like a second, yea, and a third and fourth conversion, especially where there are backslidings. (1O.) The "kingdom of heaven," either outward or inward, cometh not with observation." The foundations of the temple may be matter of mourning, and little glory seen therein; "the day of small things;" a great stream may proceed from a small fountain. The' LORD comes not in the thunder nor earthquake, but in the " still voice." We think, like NAAMAN, that when GOD comes to the heart, he will appear in visible glory And sometimes He does yet at other times his voice is not heard in the streets, and he "groweth as a tender plant out of the dry ground," and there is little beauty seen in him. What a poor beginning was all this of a life of faith