CHAPTER 4

 

Of my Progress, and Growth,

 

and Establishment in the ways of God.

 

 I CONTINUED in some peace for ten days' time, but had not the impressions of joy I had in the beginning so deep upon my spirit as at first. There came a cloud and overshadowed me thus 1. I liked ease and rest; and now, when the LORD had broken my bonds and yoke, I thought there was no more for me to do, I dreamed of no cloud or night; and since the main was secured, I did not apprehend such a necessity, of labor, but would have been sleeping in my nest; or else, if I must needs pray and fight, I desired to be taken up into CHRIST'S arms as I was at first, and to be passive, and CHRIST to do all. (Hosea 11: 3; Psalm 30: 6.) I said, (like PETER,) " It is good to be here," and " Let us make a tabernacle," until a cloud overshadowed me, which, when it did, I expected in vain CHRIST'S return in the same manner. Then not finding peace nor rest in GOD, because I would not dig for it, I strove to have it from the world, and therefore turned slothful, and for some time followed vanities, seeking rest, until (reproved) I went to prayer, but got no good. I took up Shepherd's Sound, Believer, and there read this question,’ How shall I know whether my whole soul has come to CHRIST' He answers, ’When CHRIST alone gives sufficient satisfaction, so as there is no need of idols and lusts.'‘ Ah!' said I,’ I do not thus; for my heart runs out continually after idols.'‘ How couldest you think,' said Conscience,’ that wast so dead, to close with CHRIST with the whole soul Have not the effects discovered thy unsoundness and hypocrisy See to the whorishness and adulteries of thy heart, and by that judge of thy love in marrying CHRIST. Does not thy unsteadiness in his covenant prove, that thy heart was not right with GOD at first, and that you hadst unto him, when you closedst with him as the Rock of thy Salvation' Upon this I concluded, that all my life-time I was in a delusion, which made the sky very black. This temptation was so violent there was no resisting it whereby my heart became sorrowful, strengthless, and discouraged. O what shall I, nay what can I- do now Can I bestow more pains than I did To have known before, while I suspected no less, that I was wrong, would not so have shaken me; as, after some assurance of favor, to be cast down to hell; heart and hand were taken away from me; I did not reason the matter, but yielded easily and quickly.

 

 Now were my foundations. shaken, and a breach made as to my interest in GOD, and in the grounds which the LORD had made me lay: A whole sea followed.- But this was not enough: SATAN was let out upon me, to trouble me with atheistical thoughts; which had like serpents been hissing,, and had appeared, but were quieted, though not killed; a certain token that they would, when occasion offered, break out most violently.’ Oh!' said I,’ what a delusion have I been in! I was never convinced nor humbled, nay, I think, never- convinced that there was a GOD, or that his word was true.'

 

 Now the Lord leaving me, and being naturally melancholy, atheistical temptations were driven most violently upon me, upon which great and sensible horror fell upon my spirit; which arose, not so much from the thoughts of this that there was no GOD, as from the thoughts that myself was an Atheist, and that I had not a demonstrative argument for proving effectually that there is a God. O miserable creature, cried I, that perished not when under horror, before I had known any thing of GOD! but to live till now, till I had contracted more guilt and punishment! O happy when I thought I had sinned the sin against the HOLY GHOST! For then there were hopes, that while I believed the Scriptures, by them I might be persuaded that I had not sinned it; but now no remedy is left When the foundations are loosed, what means can I use To whom shall I go, when I doubt the being of GOD How shall I be convinced How shall I pray

 

 Looking to the remedilessness of my condition, and the sadness of this Providence, my melancholy thoughts, of which SATAN made his use, represented GOD as terrible to me, as One who had been watching all my life-time to do me evil, and that was now manifesting that hid displeasure against me which he bore me this long time. I thought, or apprehended, GOD’swrath was more at my person than faults; in a word, God was fearful to me, so that I was all taken to pieces and disjointed.

 

 This fire made the scum and filth of rebellion, and that hatred that was in my heart against GOD, appear: My natural corruptions were stirred more violently than ever; the reading of Scripture and prayer had no taste, nay, these means were terrible to me. O how happy was it

 

(said I) when under my first terrors, to what I am at this time! While terrors' formerly were upon me, I could delight in prayer and other means,. which were exceeding sweet unto me; but now, alas! duties are a burden, a wearisomeness and terror unto me, and occasionally increase

 

my trouble: For, whenever I read Scripture, a thousand atheistical thoughts are injected; and therefore my case is most hopeless. Now the LORD loves me not, and my soul abhors him; my heart is so wicked, that though with SPIRA I say it not with my tongue, yet wish I that there were no GOD; he is strange and terrible unto me, an enemy, and therefore hateful to me. Then did I find that the carnal mind is enmity against GOD; I was a right representation of the damned in hell, tormented and hopeless, and raging against God and his Providence. Sometimes I would say,’ What a strange thing is this! you thinkest there is no GOD, and yet art afraid of him' that I was It did not a little heighten my sorrows, within fourteen days to partake of the Sacrament: The condition I was in, and the want of the evidences of grace, made me look on communicating as a dreadful business; and the pride of my heart was such, that having been known to have resolved to communicate, it would be thought a weakness not to communicate: And for this cause I was the more diligent to get oil, and to get my wedding garment on; but found not such returns as upon the like occasions I had hitherto found, partly through does and partly through the pride of my heart; so that I was, on the Sabbath-day morning that I was to communicate, in as sad a, taking as. I was ever before, utterly jumbled, and at a distance with GOD, and full of horror and atheistical

 

temptations.

 

 It is true, that for some time it pleased God to suspend these storms, and to give a calm, by binding Up SATAN for a time; and it continued thus until three days before my communicating. I wondered how they could be removed, when the cause was not taken away; and therefore they came again when I came to the table. Then would I say to myself, O poor wretched soul, you has oftentimes desired a conviction and a law-work, and now you has one to the purpose; see what good it does thee O how unkindly and diabolical are these convictions! The occasion and ground of my trouble were atheistical suggestions, and hard thoughts of GOD; likewise it afflicted, me, that I could not get rid of all sin, and that I could not be resolved to do all duties, especially the duty of reproof, to which I was averse through my natural bashfulness.

 

 My trouble was increased by my communicating; especially, by conversing with others, I found that the LORD that day had been distributing largely and it was ordinary with them to express themselves thus, I I have found Him.' O, said I, and am I only a bastard has He given to every one his portion, and famished me This struck me dead, and I was no longer for company The more spiritual sermons were, and societies were, the more was I troubled; I saw as it were them coming from the East and the West, and sitting with ABRAHAM, ISAAC, and JACOB, and myself among those that were thrust out Meat, company, and all ordinances were a burden to me; I sat alone, and mine eyes were heavy with, sorrow. O, said 1, for some wilderness, that I might lament it, and pour out this miserable soul of mine in the Lord's bosom!

 

 My hopes were gone, and I said, Farewell, all pleasant days! Henceforth I am entering the gloomy valley and shadow of death. No means would do me good: I looked over MR. BAXTER'S Arguments for the Truth of the Scriptures, but they seemed as straw to me, and my distempered spirit brake through them: All I could say or hear seemed but weak, either to persuade me, or to give me peace.

 

 After the Sacrament my terrors increased, and my temptations assaulted me so violently, that I was taken off niy knees, and could not pray one word; nay, they were so violent, and my fears so strong, that I judged they could not be removed but by a miracle: And I would (said I) seek no other evidence of a Divine power and being, than the removing these, fears; and I thought, if the LORD would condescend to this, I should doubt no more. Then was it. suggested to me, Thy heart was once so secure, so careless, that it needed an Almighty power to awaken thee, as now you art; and cannot the LORD, who has wounded thy deemed impenetrable heart, heal it again

 

 2. This was my condition-; and the LORD was delivering, and did deliver me by these steps and means. (1.) I was put continually to seek the LORD in the use of means, notwithstanding all my discouragements: I prayed, read, and meditated; and some healing I would find in these, but a cloud still came; however they did good insensibly. (2.) Being in the house of MR. T. H., a godly and prudent man, his company did me much good, especially his discourses to me concerning the nature of temptations, ’and how the Devil -beats them violently into the soul without

 

reason, and throws them in as it were, and presses by bold assertions on the soul what he would have it believe: Like wise his prayers did me good, especially when he spoke of GOD’s condescension, and man's stubbornness; and cited EPHRAIM, whom God smote; "And he went on forwardly in his ways; I have seen him, and will heal him:" As like wise, the marvelous light he gave to Scriptures, and manifested a depth in them that I never perceived before; which astonished me, and made me see something evidencing. A Godhead even in them, a wonderful excellency hid in them. Lastly, his cheerful conversation, not in a carnal way, but his joy was inward, proceeding from faith in God: For the universal carnality of professors, with their discouragements, living so' short of their principles, did much help forward my Atheism, as it made me think that a Saint was but a fancy; but truly mine eyes saw something of a New Testament spirit in him, and was some way persuaded, by seeing his holiness, his cheerfulness in GOD, and his deep reach in spiritual mysteries, that there was a GOD, and a holiness attainable. And such was the power of God in him, that with his seasonable discourse and prayer, he would charm, and calm, and quiet my storms, even when I despaired of help, and thought it impossible; though they would return again when I was gone from him. 

 

 (3.) When I came from that Minister's house, my atheistical thoughts recurred and assaulted me in such a manner that my soul was vexed unto death. I could bear it no longer, and through the violence of temptations was taken off my knees, and unable so much as to knit four sentences together. I at last sat down on my knees, and said to this purpose;’ LORD, if you BE, you art Almighty, and can reveal so much of Thyself as may convince me and put away this storm; I desire thee therefore to give this proof of thy Power and Being, as this night to put away this storm, and convince me there is a GOD, and that thy Word is true. LORD, be not offended with my peremptoriness, for I can bear no longer; and besides, if you delay the revelation of thy mind herein, my suspicious heart will be ready to say, that it was time that I altered my condition; and, if this very night you do, I will look upon it as a sufficient demonstration of thy Being. Determine you the way thyself; I have opened my mouth. LORD, bow the heavens, and give not by the continuance of my trouble such a ground of cavil to the adversary against me, to make me doubt thou. art the hearer of prayer.' Immediately it was suggested, Now hold by thy word, and you shall see GOD will not help thee this night, and let this increase thy suspicions; for sure, if there were a GOD, He would help when so put to it. But the LORD did bow the heavens: For, sitting pensively at the fire-side, meditating on some rational arguments for the verity of the Scriptures, and not finding any but such as might be shifted; at last it was suggested, What a fool has you been! Art you an Atheist, because you can not prove there is a GOD Or, is there no GOD, because you can not demonstratively prove it Suppose it possible that a number of honest men might lie, and that the world were so mad as to believe them, and that this he had been carried so secretly on as never to be discovered, and all evidences to the contrary burned when the world universally turned Christians; though this were possible, is it therefore true Have ye ever seen an argument to prove there is no GOD, or that the Scriptures are false But grant that the Scriptures are true; what evidences could ye have of their truth that ye have not The doctrine itself is contrary to flesh and blood, against lying and juggling, confirmed by miracles, done before the world, and amidst enemies; for a long time copies in many thousand hands in different countries and kingdoms, delivered by the most holy, ingenuous, and faithful men, and not contradicted by enemies Suppose, I say, all this course had been taken as the greatest evidence of its truth, would there not still be place for such objections as these What more evidence would you have than this Does it follow, because such shifts may be given, that therefore the doctrine is not true Might not all thy answers you givest be given against it, though un doubtedly true There appeared such an evidence in this reasoning, the LORD shining upon it, that by the almighty power of CHRIST my clouds did fly away; the bands in which I had been holden, did in an instant break asunder, all my fears vanished, and there was a calm: In which GOD did show much goodness, and power, and condescension, who looked so seasonably upon me. 3. From which I learn, (1.) As the Devil seems to undermine men in their strongest bulwarks, so must the LORD with a strong hand convince of, and teach fundamental principles, and amongst the rest persuade that there is a GOD. Natural belief. and evidence vanish in supernaturals. (2.) No natural or rational evidence is sufficient to convince of Atheism; for all that either I could meditate or read in books, could not cure my Atheism. Peace is a created thing of GOD. (3.) CHRIST outshoots SATAN in his own bow: The Devil sought by these temptations to shake me loose of all my principles; and GOD blessed it to be the means of my establishing. (4.) An evil tinder which the soul mourns, is burdened, and which it loathes, will never destroy a man; it is ills entertained that destroy the soul. (5.) While we are here, we must resolve to meet with one evil after another to grapple with: Here is not the land of rest: " In the world ye shall have tribulation," either inward or outward, or both. I had no sooner come out of the wilderness, and was thinking to " multiply my days as the sand," in peace, but this storm came. (6.) GOD afflicts in measures, he puts no more weight upon the soul than it is able to’ bear; I had little or no outward afflictions to grapple with; now the LORD "stayed his east wind in the day of his rough wind;" (Isa. 27: 8;) the foundations of the great deep, which afterwards broke out, were not yet opened. (7.) Violent temptations last not long; when the Devil turns violent, his best arrows are done. (8.) A saint's first exercises are ordinarily in spirituals, before he be set to conflict with outward troubles, that he be not turned carnal by them, but, being somewhat acquainted with the LORD's ways, may be more spiritual in his outward exercises: The LORD trains him up • privately, as it were, before he set him out to fight.

 

 1. I was then to go to South, being in the year 1661, where I stayed from November, I think, till October after, being to pay some money to a creditor, and to transact with some debtors, being at this time twenty-one years of age; as likewise some business did intervene there which took me up. It was now that I began some way to mind business; I should have gone to the College, -but I was otherwise taken up: In a word, except it was to spend my time, I knew no good I did all that time; only I wrote some law. I came home at last, and was a little more taken up in duty when at home, but made no sensible progress.

 

 2. About this time my outward afflictions began to appear, and the LORD was bringing me low as to my condition in the world, by means of a person who pretended right to all we had in the world, and had some color of law for it. He called me South, being cited for, that effect; where being come, and destitute of friends and money, the times being evil, and there being much corruption in courts, and my adversary being in great favor, and I unskillful in law, and withal conscious of the weakness of my securities, I was inclined to agree with him on what terms it pleased himself, giving him much of twelve thousand marks, which was the principal part of my interest. To the ignorant and unacquainted with my affairs, this exposed me to much contempt. About the same time, likewise I was unadvisedly bound for the sum of eight thousand marks of portions to my sisters, they being to be married, and my mother renting all- my estate, which was not now above one hundred pounds sterling per annum; these sums daily ran on interest, and consumed my stock: And much of this I looked on as a punishment of my faults.

 

 3. I continued in these sins, which about this time did mightily prevail against me; (1.) I omitted the excellent and precious occasions of getting and doing good, both in reference to myself and others, in spirituals and temporals, where I had occasions of sermons, of fellowship of saints, of books, and otherwise accomplishing myself: (p2.) There was much omission of private duties, of prayer, meditation, of reading the Scriptures; these were either omitted, or very slightly performed. (3.) 1 lived in spiritual adulteries, and gave myself to idols, to sensuality of meats,

 

drinks company, pastime, cards and dice; and, having " forsaken God the Fountain of living waters, I hewed out to myself broken cisterns that can hold no water And in this life of pleasure I continued, notwithstanding many challenges of conscience. (4.) I through this decayed in grace, lost my assurance, peace and strength, and became very unhearty and indisposed. (5.) There was extraordinary lightness in my conversation, especially with professors, when the sad time called for mourning. The work of reformation was at this time ruined; the eminent servants

 

Of CHRIST, some killed, some banished, their livelihood taken from them, and all generally discountenanced; wickedness advanced, and godliness was borne down; faithful Ministers were cast from their charges; and yet was I making mirth when mine eyes were witnesses to all this.

 

 4. Yet notwithstanding some life continued still, and the burning bush was not consumed. The means that did me good were, (1.) I prayed once a day, at least in the morning; and this kept me from putrefying altogether. (2.) On the Sabbath-day I took some more time, and the LORD

 

ordinarily met me with some life and affections; and then I saw the evil of my ways. (2.) When sin and distance from GOD came to some height, I retired, and poured out my soul to GOD, and by this means got good, and put on new resolutions. (4.) Afflictions began likewise to work,

 

and kept my eyes waking, put me to prayer, and made mercies, whether spiritual or temporal, sweet to me. (5.) Some seasonable words I heard sometimes in good books, or sermons, or discourses, which kept in my dying life; and through this it came to pass, that though I was much endangered by temptations, yet not altogether destroyed. 5. From which I observe, (1.) The great power of sin that is in the heart, that, notwithstanding all means, is apt to break out again. O how great need of watchfulness is there, and spiritual dependence on Gon! (2.) Prosperity, ease, and the desires of the soul, send leanness to the soul; the evils of the world are much better than the good thereof. It is better with me when I have least outward comforts. (3.) Whatever GOD- suffers for a time, He will not suffer sin unpunished. Though GOD be -merciful, gracious and long-suffering, yet by no means will He clear the guilty. Justice and mercy kiss one another; for about this same time my outward afflictions did begin, and the seeds of my future afflictions were sown. (4.) Prayer and meditation, though not always effectual for the end intended, yet are evermore profitable; for though they did not altogether recover me, yet they did preserve me from utter falling And so by experience I know the truth of this, “He has not said to the house of JACOB, seek his face in vain." For, ever since I remember, proportionable to my diligence in

 

seeking was my finding; nor made I ever any extraordinary aim at GOD, but I found something extraordinary. (5.) I learn- a Christian's assurance or faith, though it do not first flow from holiness, yet is ever proportionable to his holy walking. Faith is kept in a pure conscience; sin is like a blot of ink fallen upon our evidences. This I found as a truth, and so will any not given up to the delusion of Antinomianism. Being thus kept for a while in bonds, and not able to recover, I came home, and the LORI) looked upon me thus.

 

 1. Being come home, and exceedingly afflicted with the remembrance of mis-spent time, and the cloud that was upon the breaking out in outward troubles, I resolved, seeing my case was extraordinary, and that fasting had been so blessed to me, I would try what the LORD would now do to me by it. The causes were my unsettledness and low condition. I gave up myself to GOD, to be directed by Him, and He led me by an unexpected way, which was by convincing me of my unbelief, and humbling me under it, and drawing me by renewed acts of faith to himself again. The LORD made the strain of my discourse to run out on faith, and unbelief, which last I considered as the greatest of evils.

 

 With this consideration, which GOD did press home upon my soul, through his goodness and power, I was wrought on so powerfully and sweetly to believe the sinfulness of unbelief; and the LORD commended faith so to me, that I was drawn to CHRIST by an irresistible power.

 

From this there proceeded -a new heart, resolution and strength: All sorrows and fears were removed, and I was much comforted, and strengthened: I was strengthened to seek the LORD and his ways. Sin in general was mortified, and a particular sin, namely, playing at cards, quite felled, with which I had so long wrestled in vain, and to which I had so great an inclination that I continued in it against checks of conscience: That sin this day received its death's wound; I put on a thorough resolution never to use any of these games, and this so effectually, that from that day to this; I never had so much as an inclination to it.

 

 2. Nor were the immediate effects of this, while at home, less blessed: For, (1.) I found a greater wisdom, strength and activity to go about civil business, which I could master now. (p2.) 1 had experience of the LORD's kindness in some afflictions and trials I met with at the same time, in supporting my spirit under them, and delivering my soul out of them wonderfully by his own immediate power; which if GOD had not done, any of them might do much to break me: These did not in the least dismay me. (3.) I found afflictions doing me good; and the rod was giving me instruction, and putting me to prayer in an extraordinary manner: My heart likewise was mortified to the world, and God was made sweet to me as my portion. (4.) I began again to write diaries, and to walk more closely and circumspect with God. The Scriptures were sweet to me, and I began to see and feel more light, and power, and wisdom in them than before, especially the Epistle to the Romans. (5.) Hence I learned, that days and times set apart extraordinarily, on some extraordinary occasions, are exceeding useful and profitable (if not needful) to the preservation of a Christian life; nor know I how folks can be Christians without it. There were occasional sacrifices as well as the daily burnt-offering, and days and times extraordinarily for extraordinary occasions: It is true, they are not stinted now under the Gospel; but there is this moral in them, that yet obliges, That extraordinary mercies or troubles should have proportional extraordinary worship and address to GOD. For my own part, I cannot express bow needful, yea, how profitable, and necessary these days have been: And I look on the neglect of extraordinary address to GOD, as one main cause why there are so many decayed Christians.

 

 4. Being delivered now from all my fears, and my day clearing as to my spiritual condition, and better hopes of temporal affairs, I was anew plunged in a sea of troubles; when I did scarce dream of it: For falling out with some of my relations "unadvisedly, I pursued them at law, and spent more on it than the matter was worth: Where there wanted not diligence and success as to my part, but GOD put visible hinderances in the way, and 1:was led merely by my inclinations, and did not advise with the LORD.

 

 At first, through want of occasions to pray, and manifold temptations, and-want of good company, and much distraction, with what I intended, I fell into some considerable decay, and began to be remiss in my progress, and to grow dead and dull, and untender, and the Lord's communications did dry up upon my soul; and now I began to forget former things: And this continued in July, and August. I then changed my quarters in town, being unsatisfied with my former, and, the inconvenience thereof; and took up my chamber in a godly man's house, a Minister, where, through his conversation; and some more pains taken in. duties, and his spiritual sermons on the Sabbath-day, but especially through the LORD'S pouring out of his SPIRIT, and drawing near to' my soul, I began again to recover; and in process of time not only recovered what I lost, but much more: The unregarded vineyard was now looked to again, and communion with GOD set on foot, and my taste of spiritual truths returned. Here I stayed till the middle of October.

 

 One Sabbath-day especially; when alone, at first perceiving nothing; and under great deadness, and upon the point of giving over, the LORD was pleased unexpectedly to draw near, and to concur so with my exercises, that, through the light of his SPIRIT, I beheld the work of GOD in my soul; I discovered the many mistakes I had, that before kept me in darkness and bondage; through which I was so enlightened and strengthened that it was a recovery of health after sickness; in the strength of which I went afterwards, and by this day's exercise did much advance in my journey 1 And the truths of the LORD then taught me, were of especial use ever afterwards to me.

 

I here likewise got some very extraordinary visits from the Loin both in prayer and other exercises, especially in reading the Scriptures: But it was pressed on my spirit, and I was followed with it, that bonds and afflictions were abiding me.

 

 5. And now being a little strengthened, and looking for good days, a cloud came and darkened my sky; for a;grievous storm of outward afflictions broke out, which increased and drew my afflictions to a head: The steps of which were these, (1.) The great law-business for which I came South, was at once cast; by which means my reputation was lost; as likewise all my preparations against some debtors made void, and I looked on this as no less than the loss of twenty thousand pounds. (2.). I lost through my absence from the North, eight hundred marks per annum, which were now recovered by the creditors; this afterwards I strove to regain, but in vain, so that I lived on my mother's bounty. (3.) To help this, other two hundred marks per annum were taken from me about the same time, through want of money to defend it and bad securities. (4.) Nor was this enough: After I came home I was charged before two Courts at one time, most violently, for no less than twelve thousand marks alleged due by my father; which kept me continually traveling, and put me to great charges to maintain these two actions. (5.) There were likewise - some debts which I owed here and there, extending in all to one thousand pounds, for which I was daily harassed by several persons; so that South, North,, East, and West, I could not turn me where I had not a creditor: Which I confess troubled me more than all the rest, as having my credit engaged therein; and that which I had ordered to pay them was taken away, nor knew I what to do. (6.) Nothing now remained of all my father's fortune, but a small estate, enjoyed by my mother for her life: And about the same time a new (though unjust) adversary charges both her and me for thirty-six thousand marks; so that our whole livelihood was either gone, or at stake: For four years did this adversary vex us, -and was like to have undone us as to our temporal condition, had not the LORD prevented (7.) To this were added contempt and reproach; I was the table-talk of the times; a sign and wonder; the people of God were grieved; my nearest and surest friends forsook and looked strange on me, of whose kindness now I had proof, and whom on purpose I tried, though I knew they would not help me; I was as a burden to them, and by them despised: And whoever had any thing to say, did now strike in against me. To complete all, there was no returning to Him that smote me, I decayed in my spiritual condition: From October to January 1665, all things were low both spiritually and temporally.

 

 6. The causes of these my troubles were either outward, or from myself. The outward causes were, (1.) My ancestors' bad securities in their heritages, which were questioned in my time. (2.) My father's being bound for others, which has been forty-eight thousand marks out of my way. (3.) His dying so soon, and leaving me so young. (4.) The unskilfulness and negligence of those whom he in-trusted with the management thereof; for nothing, was looked to after he was gone, and all was destroyed before I was twenty years of age. (5.) Evil friends, some slighting and denying us help; others out of envy to my father, employing all their power to harm us. (6.) Evil times, so that I durst scarce appear to do any thing, being hated for my principles. The cause inward from myself was sin; as, (1.) I suppose my relations' sins had influence on this storm; for I found great freedom in confessing them. (2.) We were a professing family, and did not walk suitably thereunto, but like the world. (6.) My desires to be great with men;, and my too much esteeming, prizing and desiring of outward greatness and comforts. (4.) Not acknowledging

 

God in all our ways, but doing things without his advice, and running to this or the other outward help. (5.) Pride and stoutness of heart, which GOD has been crushing. (6.) Incorrigibleness under ordinances, convictions and lesser judgments; therefore did the LORD take the rod. I

 

found much good by all these dispensations; for by the sadness of the countenance I find my heart bettered and mortified to the world, and I drawn nearer to GOD, and kept waking, in the experience of the Lord's goodness. In a, word, the LORD has so blessed his rod to me, that I

 

find the fruits of righteousness wrought in me, so as I may say, I had perished,, unless I had perished: Blessed be the LORD for inward and outward exercises and troubles.

 

 7. Being in this forsaken and desolate case, and none to pity, it pleased the LORD to look upon me, and to give my

 

soul a resting place, when forsaken of all others; he was the only Friend in adversity. He strengthened my soul by comfortable words, allaying thereby the extremity of’my afflictions; then did He say unto me, " Why art you disquieted" Is there any thing but what is ordinary befallen' thee Are there not many thousands that would change conditions with thee You have much of CHRIST's compassion, and pity, and tenderness; it may be He will do thee good for this: It is good, that this is the vengeance He takes for all that you have done: " Chastened of the LORD, that you may not be condemned with the world." -Poor soul, what have you lost Thy loss has been only the things of the world, in which no part of thy happiness does consist: Art you not in thy FATHER'S hand And will not thy Tutor order all things well Men and Devils can do no more than He permits; and dost you fear evil from that side Should you not bear all that comes from Him But consider further, wouldest you yet exchange states with the mad world All thy adversaries, in all likelihood, that are now making merry, will burn in hell for’ever: Is thy misery any thing to these Wait therefore upon GOD: A little time will blow over this storm; it cannot last long. And though thy case be sad, yet it is not beyond GOD's power; yea, you shall bless the day that ever you wast afflicted: Afflictions are good things, else had they never been in legacy by CHRIST, nor promised in the new Covenant. With these and the like considerations was my soul several times, in my extremity, refreshed and allayed. And I would get much ease sometimes by pouring out of my soul to God in prayer, and. showing him my case; quickly did the LORD reward me outwardly My adversaries wearied with delays, and their commission at the same time taken away, gave over the pursuit, and never further troubled me till this day.

 

 8. At the same time I was growing in my spiritual condition, increasing in faith, in diligence and strength; the Scriptures were very sweet, occasions of meeting with GOD -seldom in vain; this I had to counterbalance my outward troubles; so that, as the LORD did bear down with one band, he supported with the other. One time I was strongly enlightened in the mystery of the Trinity; another time, I was so taken up with the thoughts of the love of CHRIST, that I, awaked the whole Winter-night, admiring. CHRIST, and praying with suitable affection; at other times I spent two or three hours in prayer: Likewise at the same time, writing on the Scriptures, I received much light, clearness and sweetness. Several extraordinary visits would the Lord bestow on me; remembering my afflictions, by, which I would oftentimes be carried above the world._

 

 9. When we came home again, the Lord was no less kind to me,, yea, exceeded; and I was daily admitted to nearer and nearer fellowship with himself:. And,, wherever, I was,. God was with me; and continued thus till October. (1.)’About this time, I did begin to study the covenant, of grace: And one time, from Rom. 5:, and from the consideration of Baptism, was I mightily strengthened in assurance and confidence, and f the joy of the, LORD" did I find to be "my strength." (2.) Another time, setting some time apart for examining my condition, though at. first I was very indisposed, yet I was so enlightened and refreshed, that in the strength thereof I walked many days. (3.) I discovered a marvelous depth in the covenant of grace; I was much enlightened and strengthened in the extent, freedom and excellency thereof: The LORD one night began to apply this very strongly and clearly: It was " a night to be much remembered" for ever. The LORD did so clear the covenant of grace, and by his SPIRIT made me (at first dull and weak) apply and consent, and feed upon these privileges as mine. Are all these things yours quoth the SPIRIT; why dost you not feed upon them Why dost, you not -- delight thyself in fatness" You complainest of the want of life, strength and comfort, why dost you not come to the fire, that you may be warm Here is the LORD's security for what you wantest If you had thy friend's. security for money, you wouldest be glad; and has you not the Lord's in thy Bible And may not heaven, CHRIST and holiness satisfy thee And with this there came such a mighty gale of the SPIRIT, that took away all my confusions, made my soul apply CHRIST and all his benefits, answered all my objections fully and clearly, and made me strongly apply the promises; insomuch that I found CHRIST a sweet and satisfying thing; I found his flesh --meat indeed," and his blood -- drink indeed;" all fears were driven away; the Gospel-privileges appeared exceeding sweet, so that I spent the whole night in prayer and praising and rejoicing; wishing now for the morning, that I might do mightily for the LORD: My very body was weakened with the abundance of the joy of faith, arising from a sense of an interest in God. I was likewise very evangelical in my actings, considering all actions as the Lord's service, and myself and all things the Lord's; walking in great peace, and glorifying GOD, endeavoring to encourage others.

 

 1O. There followed upon this a certain decay during the space of a year; this was about the end of 1664, and continued till the end of 1665, during which time I was usually, though not' always, at home. This decay was but from that height of spiritual joy, and degrees in communion with GOD; there were more temptations, less peace within, and less progress made in the ways of GOD; so that I accounted the year 1665 an unfortunate year: All this time there was diligence in duties, and some visits, quickenings and encouragements, and yet below what I formerly received; visitations were neither so great, nor the impressions so lasting: The causes of which were, (1.) My going from home, where I had freedom from trouble, much company and comforts to take up my heart. (a.) Sensuality when from home, and little minding of God. (3.) Pride in-despising of others, and thinking too much of myself - and of my attainments, and something of a supercilious carriage. (4.) Evil company, and going to places where I had no call, which did much prejudice.

 

 11. But GOD, after many days visited me, so as I not only recovered my former health, but set further forward, than ever I was, thus, (1.) I received much strength from some private fasts I kept, never using that duty in vain. (2.) About the same time I had frequent occasion of converse with godly, able and exercised Christians, by which many meetings were kept, and therein something of GOD, whereby I was much bettered: Though in the mean time I found not the sensible effects of these occasions, yet did they me good insensibly. (3.) 1 went to, being helped with extraordinary prayer before, and there was assisted to encourage others and exhort, and was helped, to shine in. a gospel-conversation. And here I set up one other sail; for before I prayed but twice a day, I here. resolved to set some time apart at mid-day for this effect; and, obeying this, I found the effects to bee wonderful. My heart was never in a better frame; never more assuranceand singleness of heart; never more strength to do or suffer for GOD; never more mortification to the world, and sweetness in the ways of GOD: And now I was fully resolved, always, and in all places, to glorify Him. All this time outward troubles and wants continued, though the burden and weight of this serpent were abated; GOD stayed his rough wind; they lay on, but did neither increase nor trouble.

 

 Meantime I was smitten in my body with a painful bile, with which I had been threatened some years before; which, with the pain thereof, did at first cast me into a fever, and my breath was stopped by the oppression of the spirits; which made me have some impressions of death. During that time, SATAN was let out again, and was most violent in his temptations; and my heart was so cast down, that one afternoon, there was such faintness,' weakness and aversion to duty, that I thought I should never endure it, and was not far from casting it off altogether; but GOD pitied the anguish of my soul, and did break these spiritual bonds. During this sickness He miraculously allayed the pain of my bile, and speedily, and that without means, cured it; for however I bought some things to prevent it, yet, looking on it as a punishment from GOD, I knew not if I could be free to take the rod out of his hand, and to counterwork Him. And indeed I lost nothing by this; for, giving my cheeks to this Smiter, my chastisement was very gentle and of short continuance, so I was helped to continue in duties; and, when the bile, brake, I resolved to go more mightily, and diligently about the Lord's work than ever. The Summer after, on a Sabbath-day, I called to mind the days of old," and some of the LORD'S ways with me, which opened the doors of my soul, and love quickened in longing after, and grieving for his absence, and for my ways; which disposition continued and strengthened me. There I was put to learn a new exercise, which was, to observe Providences, and to consider the ends of GOD's particular and general Providences, the ends of afflictions, of sins, of backslidings, of indispositions, and to remark some steps of love in them, which did me much good. He let me see much love in all dispensations, enlightened me in my duties, kept me from wrong constructions, and did much establish and comfort me. Being to quit our chief dwellings and lands, according to my transaction three’ years ago, and some mistakes falling out, I stayed alone, and went to another contiguous shire, where were some lively Christians and my very dear friends, with whom I spent time profitably, building up one another. There I resolved to set up extraordinary days of humiliation again, and so effectually, that a glory was seen in the ways of GOD and of his people which I saw not before, and love to CHRIST advanced. After I came home I set up humiliation days, and made it my exercise to conflict with and overcome the world, to close fully and wholly with CHRIST, to glorify Him with all my heart, and Him only. The Winter after, I found my heart warm to CHRIST, through rubbing over in my memory some steps of -the LoRD's Providences and dealings towards me: And there my eyes were opened to see an infinite fountain of consolation and love, which before was hid to me; there I remembered all the pains the LORD took in preparing me for Himself, how much He suffered at my hands, all the care He had of me in my wilderness-condition, how He humbled me, convinced me, and how many times his visitation upheld my spirit: Then did I see love in all the LORD's dealing with me, GOD in all this pursuing me constantly with loving-kindness. About the same time likewise I was convinced of the great sin of unthankfulness, the evil and sinfulness of which was discovered, and desires to abound in this grace of thankfulness; which was thus occasioned: I found some others that had outgone me far in love and gratitude, speaking much of CHRIST'S love and kindness to them, and what they were meeting with, and how much they made of small visits O ungrateful wretch (said I to myself) you art often meeting with quickening consolations and visitations, by which thy dying life is preserved, and yet takest no notice of it: Not one thankful acknowledgment for all this, nor one loving word spoken in commendation of CHRIST for all this: The breathings and gifts of GOD's SPIRIT, and these, in respect they are from Him, are to be infinitely prized; yea, they are the purchase of CHRIST's blood, and a pledge and testimony of the LORD's kindness, and the least of favors and tokens from a Prince are highly valued. And this did help me to thankfulness, and I did set a value upon mercies. I was at this time pressed vehemently to close walking; to an entire, cordial and full resignation of myself to GOD; to keep distance with the world; to be for the LORD and Him only, and for none other; and was made sensible of one point of loose walking, that I did not endeavor to observe the LORD'S Providences, and that I did not walk in his counsel, and depend on Him, acknowledging Him in all my ways: I began a little afterwards to study patience; I got this lesson in my hand, and made some small progress therein Patience I took up under the notion of the soul's invincible going on in duties, notwithstanding all evils; when a man keeps his place and ground, and stands out like a rock, not amazed with any amazement, not discouraged, not fainting, not giving over, but continuing in a constant frame of spirit. What I sought not I learned, and what I sought I got not: GOD answered my prayers though not in my way, and showed He accepted' them; He led me in his way to heaven, and not in mine. At last, that the warning I got five years since in the South might be fulfilled, of the bonds and afflictions that were abiding me, I was arrested for a debt which I had paid.. Only my trustee and near relation, who received the money from me to be given to my creditor, did knavishly apply it to his own use; for which, I was taken and kept three days in a chamber, till course was taken with it; which occasioned my going South, where I continued much of two. years, sometimes in. the South, and sometimes in the North_ My condition during this time was a wrestling condition with the sons of ZEROIAU that were too strong for me; little or no over-coming, yet violent wrestling. Yet some" work was done; the LORD blessed my fellowship to the South-country professors, that several of them were awakened; and generally my conversation was edifying,. and someway shining, so that I received much honor thereby; while I honored GOD, the LORD honored me. I kept Christian fellowship with -them, prayed with -and exhorted them, which was not in vain, especially in Edinburgh, where I sometimes spoke four times in a week. The scope of my discourses was exalting holiness; against a slight work of grace; against looseness and laxness; against formality; against does and unprofitableness; and pressing them to be doing good; against discouragements and unbelief, and pressing to believe.

 

 4. Lastly. It pleased the LORD by degrees likewise to, look favorably on my outward, condition, and to deliver

 

me from my afflictions, and vexatious debts and wants, and now he has in some measure exalted mine head; and given me by strange Providences, what he had taken’ from me For I humbled myself under the sense of the calamities of our family, and my own particular wants. I besought him to keep us from utter destruction: And the LORD was pleased to hear. He destroyed by death my chief adversaries; I found shifts to pay my many petty debts; gained our law action; and was restored to some of my ancient possessions again. Thus have I briefly run over the most memorable circumstances in my life until this time; being now thirty years of age, and unmarried.

 

CHAPTER 5

 

Relating to some Things touching my present Condition.

 

SECT. 1. Wherein are contained some general Observations in reference to myself.

 

 1. AFTER a long and serious search into my estate before GOD, I am, by the LORD'S works of love towards me, and his works of grace in my soul, made to conclude that I am born again, and that there is not only a formal partial change wrought, but that I am visited with salvation: For I find a great and universal change wrought in my soul, growing rather than decaying; so that thus I stand fixed as to this matter: I have both word and seal for it. (f2.) Yet do I find this my belief of my interest much shaken and sore assaulted by sin, which falls like a blot upon all my evidences, and takes away the comfort of them, and fills me with some sudden apprehensions all may be wrong. (d.) I have thereupon concluded it to be my duty to be thankful, to draw near to GOD by faith; and to search, by prayer, meditation, and reading, my estate more exactly; to consider the nature of sanctification more exactly, and ponder objections and grounds of doubting; to pray to’the LORD daily to open my estate to me; to practice obedience, and go on in the exercise of faith, love, and humility, and other graces; to be marking Providences, and the Lord's carriage to my soul.

 

 2. I find I am exceeding sinful, compassed with more than ordinary infirmities. Before conversion, I have been suffered to run out in more open acts of rebellion than others, and now I think I grieve the LORD more than any other. I have a harder, blinder, and more carnal heart; so that I conclude myself the least of Saints, not worthy to be called a Saint. Therefore I am called to humility and submission: To love the LORD beyond others, as having forgiven me most: To be more watchful against sin, having such a heart within, so ready to slip; and to walk in greater fear, and to be more diligent; and to depend most on the LORD JESUS, (as having least in myself,) to make up all my wants with his fullness.

 

 3. I have a weak, complying, soft nature, contrary to my will and judgment. I bless GOD for a clear judgment and understanding, for I am much given to pry into the bottom of things; but my miserable soft nature yields to every thing, and this makes all duties that are attended with labor and boldness a great burden to me. I am judged by men clean contrary, to be rude and contrary to all men; but little know they the wrestling I have with my own heart, and what a torment I breed to myself when I do not comply with men. O how much need of Divine assistance! No less will do my turn. I have nature always to resist. I hereupon find a great resistance to all manner of duties; so that there is no duty I go about, but I find SATAN and the power of sin in me ready to resist me in it; and I get nothing easily done, but over a mountain of difficulties, heart, and Providences, and all crossing. What a mighty work, to pray, to meditate, to speak, or to do anything! O sloth!

 

 4. That which most in earth I desire is, to do great things for GOD, to suffer much for him, to be signal in honoring of him, to finish my ministry. I contemn the world as dung, and all the world's kindness, though my nature will not suffer me to express it: "My spirit is willing," but herein 1 find "the flesh is weak." My unprofitableness and sinfulness are my greatest grief. I had rather be cast out of Goes comfortable presence, (so as not to be hated of him,) than out of his service. I have been sometimes thinking, that if these times last, my heart will break, if I be continually shut up this way, and all the passages stopped of doing for the LORD.

 

SECT. 2. Declaring some strong Evils under which I mourn, and against which I wrestle.

 

 I FIND it, with me as with the Israelites, that there were some nations that they could not drive out: So I may say, that there are some strong evils that I cannot drive out, and which continually afflict me, and discourage me. The first evil is, that distance the LORD keeps with me in prayer, in Providences, commands, threatenings, promises, mercies, judgments. I find little of GOD in them, so that I may say, " I am more brutish than any man, and have not the knowledge of the Holy One." O how little of him is known! I dare not deny but I see him darkly, whereby my soul longs for him, and mourns for his absence; but yet I see him not distinctly and clearly in his glory with the seeing of the eye by that marvelous light: O LORD, my blindness! O blessed Heaven, where we shall see GOD, not as' in a mystery, "but know as we are known!" This calls for mourning and humiliation, and addressing to CHRIST to open the eyes of the blind; and for purity and holiness, for these " shall see GOD;" and for "following on to know the Lord" in his attributes, in his Son JESUS, in his word, and in his Providences, by observing them.

 

The second evil is, the low measure of GOD's love in my soul. I find not in GOD what does abundantly satisfy. I meet not with that which is called " the Power of GOD." In a word, I am kept in a low condition. Sanctification, light, life, and comfort, are but sparingly let out to me; and in myfulness I cry,’ I leant still.' This is to humble me, and make me long for heaven; though blessed be the LORD's Name, I meet- with something, yea, more than 1:deserve, or ever I have been thankful for; nor did I ever kindle a fire to him for nought. I comfort myself with this, that I have the earnest, and that is but small in respect of the stock. That this world and time is a time of wants, and therefore the LORD'S people are a generation of Seekers; that there is much in CHRIST, in the promise, and much to be let out in heaven.

 

 The third evil is, security and slightness of spirit as to spiritual things. I am not so sensibly affected with the evil of sin and of a natural condition, as to wonder at GOD'S patience, to tremble for fear, and be smitten with compassion "to others who are yet in:their sins. O I am but in jest, and half sleeping and waking; though I know that nothing lies nearer, nor am I more exercised with any thing, than with spiritual things. I see no help for this, but serious consideration of the great matters of the law, and continual prayers to God for awakening and seriousness, and less seriousness in worldly affairs, for these take away the heart.

 

 The fourth evil. I find a want of the SPIRIT, of the power and demonstration of the SPIRIT, in praying, speaking, and exhorting; that whereby men are mainly convinced, and whereby men see more in the LORD'S people than in others, whereby they are a terror and a wonder to others, so as they stand in awe of them; that glory and majesty, whereby respect and reverence is procured, that whereby CHRIST'S Sermons were differenced from those of the •Scribes and Pharisees; -He spoke as one having authority, and not as the Scribes;" which is mentioned Micah 3: 8, " I am full of power by the SPIRIT -of the LORD, to declare to the house of JACOB their sin;" which I judge to be the "beams of GOD'S majesty and SPIRIT of holiness breaking out and shining through his people, whereof they, their words and carriage, are in some measure partakers. But my foul garments are on; and, alas!

 

 " I am lying among the pots." Woe is me, the crown of glory and majesty is fallen off my head, and my words are weak and not mighty, whereby contempt is bred. No remedy for this but humility, self-loathing, and a studying to maintain fellowship with GOD, for this made MOSES's face to shine; to walk circumspectly, for " a man's wisdom maketh his face to shine;" and to express holiness, and glorify GOD, and then the LORD will honor thee. The fifth evil. I cannot get the lesson of patient waiting on God until the end of a trial is learned; but ordinarily, after I am set and engaged to wait, I turn impatient, and it y heart goes astray and turns careless; and then possibly, when this thread is broken, I set myself to duties: And then the LORD's visiting of my spirit with new influences, is like SAMUEL'S coming to SAUL after he had sacrificed; so I cannot say the Lord's return has been the fruit of my waiting. I think I never knew what it is to abide in a patient waiting on GOD in a night of absence till the morning, but unhappily give over my dependence, and interrupt my waiting by my carelessness, and taking comfort from some creature; which, though it proceed not from a deliberate willfulness, as his, (1 Kings 6: 83,), yet I do that really which he did advisedly: So that as yet I have not learned that uninterrupted waiting. So that when the LORD visits my soul with thoughts of my privileges, yet much of my comfort is impaired through the remembrance of my uneven carriage during the want of it; whereby I am moved to think, that it is come accidentally, and not in love. It has once comforted me to think, that though the mercy has not come as a fruit of either my waiting or prayers, yet has it come as a fruit of CHRIST'S prayers, and merits, and sufferings, and this has satisfied me.

 

 The sixth evil. I cannot apply particular mercies fully and clearly, so as to have a persuasion of such a mercy I am seeking for, though I gain some application of general promises, such as these, " CHRIST came to save sinners;" " GOD sent not his SON to condemn the world;" " CHRIST came to seek and to save that which was lost;" which quiet my spirit., When I am reading particular promises, for removing such and such straits, and for giving such and such blessings, they do not comfort me' more than in their general nature they show GOD’s goodness; and therefore I find not strength in them to plead for such a particular mercy, nor to persuade my mind of it that I shall obtain it; only they, in the general, quiet me: And hence I am not distrustful of my salvation, or of my happiness in the general; but whether I shall get such a particular mercy, or be delivered from such an evil. O to know what this means, which is in John! " We know that if we ask according to his will, he heareth us;" and "this confidence we have of him."

 

 The seventh evil. I cannot get above the fears of men, so as to break out in open defiance and arms against the world, but am kept in strong chains of fear and bashfulness to displease them. I cannot boldly reprove, exhort, or be free with many whom yet I know or strongly suspect to be in a sad condition, especially if they be great ones: And, when at any time I do anything of this, it is with a great deal of reluctance, nay, greater than to lay my head down on the block; and I strike so sparingly when I lift my rod; that I scarce touch them, which comes from my complying and soft easy nature; insomuch, that my neglects of such duties have been matter of my greatest exercises. Yet I think I fear not so much their prejudice or outward loss, as to grieve and displease men.

 

 The eighth evil. I can never attain to a watchful; self diffident, and fearing frame, when -I am enlarged; but, notwithstanding my multiplied falls, when I am got up again, I am, with PETER, persuaded that I will never be so as before; but will confidently promise to do this or that, and will not believe that any temptation, will break this resolution; which confidence is not founded on the LORD, but comes from a presumptuous trust I have in myself. In a word, I cannot misbelieve my own heart, nor be throughly persuaded of its weakness and deceitfulness. It is true, in great matters I am diffident of myself; but in small matters and resolutions, I go about them continually in my own strength, and ever come short of them.

 

 The ninth evil. I can never carry rightly in public occasions, but am ever the worse for them; I meet with little of GOD, and see so little of him, and get so little grace exercised, and am so carnal while doing any civil business even to which I have a call, that, prepare my heart as I will before I go out, and watch never so carefully, I find my whole man poisoned, and myself worse, and I come home with a world of challenges, so that company and business are a terror to me. I never know what to do when out of my chamber; I have not yet known what it is to traffic Christianly, but have been carnal in my ends and carriage, forgotten GOD, drowned -in worldly matters: O when shall I be spiritual in carnal actions; in eating, drinking, bargaining, doing all as GOD's work! And when shall I get and do good in public occasions

 

 The tenth evil. The promises of the Gospel, with Scripture consolations, quiet me in. all my afflictions; yet do not so abundantly satisfy me, as to make me "rejoice with joy unspeakable, and full of glory."

 

 The eleventh evil. I can never keep my resolutions, so As in my practice to walk perfectly with GOD, so as to walk in peace; but every day. I have challenges, not for sins of mere infirmity, but for such sins as might be helped, and which by mere unwatchfulness I fall into; such as to continue long departing from GOD, entertaining vain thoughts, idle words, mis-spending time, excess in lawful comforts, does in private duties, doing things rashly, and such like, which are not of mere infirmity. To walk thus perfectly with God I cannot, but there has ever been a breach. By what I can learn, I never kept my vows even when the matter was possible.

 

 The twelfth evil. Above all, I find a great unwillingness to teach, exhort and do’ good to others, or to glorify God publicly; I cannot delight in this, nor go about this in faith of a blessing, nor with success, nor earnestly; but there is with me much constrained work, many occasions are slighted of going about it, and the heart itself dead and heartless, and untouched with the glory of GOD, or the good of the person, especially if unconverted.

 

SECT. 3.

 

Declaring my present Exercises.

 

 MY life is a mystery to me; what I purpose, that I do not: Though I have been little advanced in these forementioned exercises; yet has the Loin been exercising me with some things beyond my design; as,

 

 1. I have been called to exercise the life of faith, to walk by it and not by sight; in which, by the LORD'S revelation of the Gospel, and from some consideration on 2. Cor. 5: 7, I have been exercised, especially through temptations, which seek to make me misbelieve.

 

 2. I have learned and some, way exercised patience, which is a continued submission and quiet obedience, and the constancy of the spirit, in not being shaken or moved or diverted with evil; and I have this lesson continually in my head, and therein have made some progress.

 

 3. I am learning to read love in the greatest afflictions, plagues, and disappointments; and to put good constructions on all GOD's dealings; and when any thing comes, though never so cross, I first inquire, What love can I see in this

 

 4. I am casting out and have cast out the bondwoman and her child out of my soul, I mean, the slavish spirit of fear, bringing in daily evangelical principles, so that now I find more faith and love in my actings.

 

 5. I am studying sobriety in my affections and carriage, seeking after moderation, in not being much moved with any occurrence, studying always to be kept within bounds, and to be my own master.

 

 6. I am taken up with observing Providences, especially in reference to myself, to see what GOD's ends may

 

be in them, why they are sent, and what is suitable duty; but above all, to see God in them, in his wisdom, holiness and love.

 

 7. I am enabled to study and exercise thankfulness; the greatest help whereunto is, the consideration that alll favors are from GOD, and so many pledges of heaven,.and bought with the blood of CHRIST.

 

 8. I am studying to’know the glory of heaven, to be drawing all my consolations from this, and to be making it my treasure.

 

 9. I am studying to make CHRIST my all, even "wisdom, righteousness, sanctification, and redemption," and in want of all, to live in, and on, and from Himself alone. 

 

 Lastly, I learn dependence on God in outward straits, to recommend all things to Him, to believe on Him for deliverance, to comfort myself from Him, waiting to observe his hand in supporting under and delivering from manifold troubles; and from these experiences to increase in love and faith: And indeed I have found manifold experiences of late of outward deliverances; so that my life has been a continual coming in and out of troubles, and every trouble seemed a remediless one, till God freed me out of it.

 

SECT. 4.

 

Rules for ordering my Speech,

 

Behavior and Practice.

 

 THE LORD's people walk by rule; their life is fitly compared (Heb. 12: 1) to a race: And I have therefore thought upon some general rules to be observed as the foundation of all true religion.

 

1. General Rules.

 

 RULE 1. Labor to know and find out wherein a man's chief happiness does consist: Have an end to follow; till a man intend right, he can never have a right motion. Fix the heart in the belief of this, that the enjoyment of God in CHRIST is our happiness; and make the heart to close with this.

 

 Rule 2. It will much contribute to our motion in the way, to be armed with a strong and deliberate resolution to walk in such ways; this will determine us, " I have chosen thy precepts as mine heritage for ever. I have sworn, and' I will perform it, that I will observe all thy righteous judgments." (Psalm cxix. 1O6, 111.) Consider and weigh the advantages and disadvantages of religion, and then thoroughly determine and bind thyself with the strongest engagements; be positive, not halting.

 

 Rule 3. Labor to have and keep right thoughts of Gon: Fix a lovely character of God in thy heart, fix the faith of GOD’sattributes, study this most; " This is life eternal."

 

 Rule 4. Be always in duty; racers must keep the path: Never be idle. As there is an end, so there is a way; never sit still Lay it as a foundation, to be always in duty; never to quit that, whatever be: "Always abounding in the work of the LORD." (1 Cor. 15: 58.) We by idleness lose much; we are employed in such a work as we must not stiffer to grow cold. O, our interruptions do us much prejudice! Little and little make good speed at last.

 

 Rule 5. Make the Scriptures thy rule; think, love, _judge, and do according to this. Examine all things: As a man has an end and a way, so has he a rule to direct him; this is the Scriptures, reject all other guides but this.

 

 Rule 6. Live near the Lord always; that which is expressed in Scripture by " walking with GOD, setting Him always at our right hand." Let heart, thoughts and affections retain ever some impressions of his presence; fear always Keep yourselves in the love of GOD; if departed, return again; if returned, keep with him. All good is with GOD, and all ill comes from his absence and distance: " Woe unto them, when I leave them." Lose not your guide by any means; He is all things, life, light, strength and health: " Wait continually on thy God. without Me ye can do nothing. It is good for me to draw near to GOD:

 

 Rule 7. Never murmur; justify the LORD always; submit to every dispensation; let your spirits be never rankled or fired. " Walk humbly with thy GOD." (Micah 6: 8.)

 

 Rule 8. Keep your spirits in an equal balance, " Be sober;" (1 Pet. 5: 8;) suffer not your passions to run to excess: Sober in weeping, rejoicing, speaking, doing, fearing. Be always master of thyself, unshaken.

 

 Rule 9. Beware of worldly-mindedness, and of being too much engaged in the world " He that warreth does not entangle himself in the affairs of this life." (2 Tim. 2: 4.) Have as little to do in the world as ye can; take no more in hand than ye are well able to master: If engaged, flee as a bird out of the snare, and put thy house in order, but put the world out of thy heart especially: " No man cart serve two masters.

 

 Rule 1O. Be watchful: Beware of a spirit of slumber; stand always on your guard: " Watch in all things Blessed is the man that feareth always." Be always suspicious; never return secure or careless; remember your adversary is still busy, and his snares. are continually set:’ " Be vigilant" therefore, keep your eyes always open; look and ponder every thing; be not rash or hasty.

 

 Rule 11. Be diligent in the means both public and private; in hearing, meditation, Christian conference, ejaculatory prayer, reading; especially private prayer, a man cannot be a Christian without this. Ye cannot work or travel, unless ye eat. 14 The hand of the diligent maketh rich."

 

 2. Rules I follow in my daily Walk: Or, some special Rules for ordering my own particular Conversation.

 

 Rule 1. In imitation of CHRIST and his Apostles, and to get good done, I purpose to rise early every morning.

 

 Rule 2. To propose, when I am up, the work of the day, and how and when to do it, and engage my heart to it, and at even to call myself to account, and to mourn for failing.

 

 Rule 3. To spend a competent portion of time every day in prayer, reading, meditating, spiritual exercises, morning, mid-day, evening, and before I go to bed.

 

 Rule 4. Once in the month, either the end or middle of it, I keep a day of humiliation for the public condition, for the LORD'S people and their sad condition, for the raising up the work and people of GOD.

 

 Rule 5. I spend-beside this, one for my own private condition, in conflicting with spiritual evils, and to get my heart more holy.

 

 Rule 6. I spend every week once, four hours over and above my daily portion, in private for some special causes relating either to myself or others.

 

 Rule 7. To spend some time on Saturday towards night for preparation to the Sabbath.

 

 Rule 8. To spend six or seven days together once in a year, when I have the greatest conveniency, wholly on spiritual accounts.

 

 Rule 9. My ordinary and extraordinary works, which every day I strive to finish, are, to mortify sin, to perfect holiness in the fear of the LORD, to glorify GOD, to instruct others and do them good, to attend on and walk closely with the Lord: This I propose every day to myself to do, and at even I examine myself of my progress and diligence therein; this is my work and exercise.

 

 3. Rules in Speaking.

 

 I HAVE found by Scripture and experience bow much it concerns us to watch our tongue, it being that instrument whereby we may do most ill or good to' others. I will therefore set down some rules which I have proposed to myself for ordering my words.

 

 Rule 1. Speak no idle language, that has no profit or

 

edification, such as frothy words, " foolish talking or jesting;" but let them be seasoned with grace, as with salt.

 

 Rule 2. Speak not much; be sparing in discourse, "Slow to speak. In the multitude of words there wants not sin."

 

 Rule 3. Speak soberly both as to matter and manner. A meek quiet spirit is calm in words; loud, violent, earnest speaking argues a proud, distempered, unmortified heart.

 

 Rule 4. Speak not rashly nor hastily;' be not precipitate in speaking; advise before you speak; do not out with every thing you conceive: " The righteous studieth to answer."

 

 Rule 5. Speak weightily and seriously, reverently and gravely, in religious discourses especially. CHRIST "spoke as one having authority." Our speech as to the manner, as well as to the matter, should betray us that we " have been with JESUS." Be not slight or careless.

 

 Rule 6. In speaking, it were good to be looking up in prayer to God in heart; as, if you have spoken amiss,’ O LORD, pardon;' when you are called to speak, ’O LORD, open my mouth, and help to a seasonable word;' to seek a blessing,’ LORD, bless what- I am to discourse to my neighbor.' ,

 

 Rule 7. Speak in fear: It were good to have a bridle always in the mouth, and no word-to get out without permission. (Psalm xxxix. 1.) It was ill said, "Our lips are our own, who is Lord over us". As there is eating without fear, so there is speaking without fear.

 

 Rule 8. Let not your neighbor's faults be the subject of your talk, though it be true. " Who back biteth not." (Psalm 15: 3.). Show thy neighbor his faults.

 

 Rule 9. Speak not of thyself or worth: "Let another praise thee, and not thine own mouth," neither directly nor indirectly: Let thy works praise thee.

 

4. Rules in our Actions.

 

 I SHALL comprehend in this both Civil and Religious Actions.

 

 Rule 1. Do nothing without foresight; let thine eye of knowledge guide thee continually in the way you art to walk in. First " search and try your ways," then turn. "Ponder the path of thy feet." (Prov. 4: 26.) Do all things as a man, and by rule, so shall you have peace.

 

 Rule 2. Whatever you do,, do it spiritually as the LORD'S work; as to Him, because commanded by Him..(Eph. 6: 6,-8, Col. 3: 23.)

 

 Rule 3. Labor for spirituality in your outward deportments, as well as in your hearts, in a grave, wise, sober and humble carriage. "Be holy in all manner of conversation." (1 Pet. 1: 14, 15.) Let holiness be on bells, pots, bridles and horses. (Zech. 14: 2O, 21.) Have on the wedding-garment.

 

 Rule 4. In the midst of business look up ever and anon to heaven by ejaculatory prayer, to preserve the soul from corruption; and keep Divine impressions, that they die not out.

 

 Rule 5. Whatever you dost, depend on the LORD; do nothing without Him, but " in all thy ways acknowledge Him."

 

 Rule 6. Whatever you do, do it with all thine heart, that is,' quickly without delay, and heartily doing what you dost only, and nothing else.

 

 Rule 7. Be sober in what you do: Eat, drink, marry and buy, as though you did it not, in an holy indifferency, referring the event to GOD. Be not fretted with cares, lay not out too much affection with your actions; but " let your moderation be known to all men, the LORD is at hand."

 

 Rule 8. Rest not in actions, but seek the end of an action. Rest not in prayer, but labor to attain the end of prayer by meditation and prayer. Be not like children shooting at random without a mark.

 

5. Rules for our Conversation.

 

 RULE 1. Mark your carriage, immediately after you have been near GOD; see what deportment ye are then inclined to follow, and study that always.

 

 Rule 2. Follow that kind of conversation wherein you have most peace after serious reflections on your ways I think, little peace shall be found in a light carnal conversation.

 

 Rule 3. Look to the carriage of CHRIST, his Apostles and Prophets, and study that conversation that you think was CHRIST's or the Apostles; this was not a laughing, frothy, vain, light conversation. When therefore you art examining such a carriage, ask, Would CHRIST have done this

 

 Rule 4. A grave serious conversation, mixed with serenity, is a good conversation; and this is like CHRIST, this is suitable to our great work and aims. Let the mad children of the world trifle and play, we are called to seriousness.

 

 Rule 5. Be circumspect in your conversation, and' wise, especially " towards them that are without." (Eph. 5: 15, Eccl. 2: 14.) Keep up the Christian decorum: Let nothing escape thee but what is befitting the majesty of a Christian; labor not to disparage that at all. Walk worthy of your calling.

 

 Rule 6. Walk kindly, lovingly and courteously; be ready to serve all: A tart rigid carriage is not good; "The SON of Man came eating and drinking." Stoicism is not Christianity. Through thy gravity and holiness let love appear; receive all; " become all things to all men;" yea, let your reproofs be in love.

 

SECT. 5. Declaring some of SATAN's Devices,

 

whereby the Work of Sanctification has been hindered.

 

 1. AFTER falls and slips, SATAN has sought to astonish me with my fall, and to amaze and confuse me so with what I had done, thereby I was kept from getting up on my feet, and going forwards; like those that running a race catch a fall, and are therewith so perplexed, thinking what to do, that in the mean time they lose much time, and are far behind. The best way were to get up, and consider our ways, mourn, seek pardon, and then go to work; after the smiting of Israel, JOSHUA lies complaining;, the LORD says thus, " Wherefore liest you thus" (Chap. 7: 1O;) Up to thy work. So in Job xxxiv. 32, " If you has done wickedly," what is done cannot be helped, " do so no more." He does not say,' Amaze and distract your selves with cares;' for "Who can by thinking add one cubit to his stature"

 

 2. In making me think, that because I come not up the full, length of duty, or to do it in that manner and form that is required, I had better omit it, whereby it has come to pass that nothing has been done at all, GOD not honored, and others not profited; not considering that doing the duty as we may, is a means to the better doing of it. Hence the duty of reproof has been omitted, because I could not do it so freely, evangelically and plainly as the LORD requires. This is over-driving-; but it is better paying what we may, than let all run on our head. When DAVID saw what reverence was required to the Ark, he let it alone. "Who can stand" Unbelief, whereby the soul thinks God such a hard master that will exact to the uttermost, and pride, in disdaining to do any thing but what may be worthy or meritorious, are the causes of this deceit.

 

 3. By injecting thoughts materially good, yet impertinent to the exercise the soul for the present is called unto, whereby my purpose has been broken, my spirit made vain, no good done, nor peace in it: And when other palpably sinful thoughts have been extruded, these real enemies, yet seeming friends, have been let in, because of their sheep's clothing; yet it is but the Devil transforming himself into an’Angel of Light.' The righteous "bringeth forth fruit in season." These thoughts are vain, because fruitless- and unseasonable.

 

 4. In doing of duties, and not seeking to attain the end. of duties; not because I thought this worthy, but I thought it sufficient if the Lord was honored: And in this snare I am ordinarily entrapped, though beaten out of formality. I have been like children who shoot, but at no mark, only that they may shoot; or as when they set their paper-boats to sea; but look for nothing else than to see them swim upon the waters; and so it may be said of them, " There is no end of their labor." And hence I have exhorted, not to convert or edify, but because commanded, and to show obedience; and thus have waited on the Lord in private and public means, not for supplying of wants or drawing near unto GOD, but merely to do homage unto him Whereby there is a standing still and no progress; duties rendered a burden, because no end intended; and my motion irregular, because no end to direct: And so I have wrought at random.

 

 5. Under the pretence of waiting `on the Lord for strength, I have been driven to gaze, and neglect the duty itself, when there has been an opportunity; so, in preparing for prayer, I have neglected prayer. In looking for strength and grace to edify when in company, nothing has been done.

 

 6. To neglect the practice of grace and duty, by resting in the sweet and relishing speculation thereof, and resolution to do it; I have been taken up with the sweetness of duty on the mind, but not so careful to practice it, though there have been some slight resolutions. This I thought sufficient, or else through security I have not expected difficulty in the practice; and so, knowing and approving, and teaching others the law, yet neglecting it.

 

 7. I have been much hindered from duty, by studying the manner of duty rather than the substance of it; by studying faith in prayer, rather than prayer in faith; by studying openness and plain-dealing in reproving, rather than reproof itself; by studying constancy in watching; rather than watching itself: Which I have found to pro.. teed from pride, choosing the excellency of it: rather than the thing itself.

 

 8. SATAN subtlely presses the doing of many things at once, which is impossible, that so, dividing my spirit with several objects, nothing may be well done: So that when 1: come to say,’ What have I to do' it is answered,’ Ye have this, and that, and the other thing.' When I am called to one thing, I address to another, and thus "troubled with many things," like MARTHA, (Luke 10: 41, 42,) with which -one, thing," if my spirit were taken up, I might come to some profit, and get it done; but, seeking to grasp too much, I let all go. When many crowd out or in at a -passage, they hinder one another; but the rule is, " Whatever you doest, do it with all tby might," that is, Let thy heart be taken up wholly with that one thing while you art doing it, and with no other.

 

 9. SATAN's transforming into an Angel of Light, by gilding vice with the appearance of virtue. Hence have I been tempted to lightness, excess in comforts, under pretence of shunning unthankfulness, and of not using Christian liberty, and of walking uncomfortably. Prayer under indisposition has been shunned, lest I should render the easy yoke of CHRIST a grievous burden: Whereby sin has prevailed by these, though it has been overcome when it appeared in its own clothing.

 

 1O. In following the disposition of my spirit as a rule in reference to duty, rather than the call of Providence, whereby many occasions of doing good have been lost through indisposition to these duties, and some seeming dispositions to do other duties.

 

 11. SATAN, by making me pore excessively on evidences of grace, and by occupying me in laying continually the foundation, has kept me from my work, and from my progress in grace; in which exercises, if I had been as diligent as in examination of myself, I might have been assured more quickly. It is true, we should examine our states; (2 Cor. 13: 5;) but it is wrong to be continually taken up with this; so that when called to patience, and believing, and honoring of GOD, SATAN has said,’ Lay a foundation before y e build a superstructure:' But it is dangerous to be trying our armour when we are called to fight.

 

 12. In not prizing or esteeming little mercies, because common, and fear to rest in them, thus " despising the day of small things."

 

 13. In not shunning little evils, fearing to be thereby " tithing the anise and cummin."

 

 14. By "limiting of the Holy One of Israel;" by cutting out and.- prescribing to God a way of helping me; and when he has not come. in my way, I could not imagine his coming to be a mercy. Hence I have proposed GOD’s way, with other Christians, and their exercises, as the way to the SPIRIT to deal with me; and not finding this, I have been discouraged, and disquieted, and unthankful, and " spent my" labor and " strength in vain," in gazing after that, and laboring to' walk in a path the LORD was not willing to lead me. I have limited the LORD in his way, by pourtraying to myself, and conceiving such a grace, and under such a notion and form; so that if I had not that very form, though I had it really, yet did I not think I had it. O under what various terms does the LORD express one thing, that folk might not restrict grace to one notion!

 

 15. Under the pretence of discretion, prudence and patience, I have neglected the life and zeal of actions. O, what ills he disguised under moderation, sobriety, patience, and Christian liberty!

 

 16. I have neglected the outward practice of repentance, under pretence that the LORD requires the heart; but we

 

should serve the LORD both in body and spirit. It is true, we should not rest in the outward, or mainly look thereunto, but should look to the heart mostly; yet should not the outward act be neglected.

 

CHAPTER 6

 

Of my Call to the Ministry.

 

SECT. 1. The Grounds upon which 1 judged myself called to the Ministry.

 

 1. I WAS much concerned to know whether I was indeed called by the LORD to the exercise of the Ministry, or whether any inclination or pressure of spirit I had thereto did proceed from my own fancy; for I can never think that any will discharge this office aright, who has not a sense of his Divine call upon his spirit: For such as the LORD has not called, it is threatened that they " shall not profit this people." (Jer. 23: 32.) Therefore it is of much concernment to us to be clear in this.

 

 2. Therefore did I judge it my duty to endeavor to have my call cleared to me, and for this cause set apart some solemn days, in which by fasting and prayer, both before I entered into the Ministry and after, I earnestly besought the LORD for light in this matter: The issue of all such deliberations was, that I was inclined to think; from what I could gather from GOD's word or work, that He did call me to " bear his name," to " deliver from the power of SATAN to GOD," to " witness for GOD," that the works of the world were evil.

 

 The grounds upon which I was convinced the Lord called me were, (1.) That I was not now to expect audible voices from heaven in an extraordinary manner, saying,’ Arise, preach the Gospel;' however Apostles and extraordinary Prophets were so called: Therefore, though I did not receive any extraordinary voice within or without, there was no reason upon that account to doubt of my call. (2.) That much less was a man's own imagination to be counted a call from GOD; for many think they are called of GOD, as Jer. xxiii, whom the " LORD has not sent." (3.) That any act of man does not give a call to any Minister; for

 

ordination by Ministers, or election by the people, which are the two means by which it is pretended this call is conveyed, are posterior to this call of GOD: And, besides, Ministers may ordain, and people may elect, such as were never called of GOD.

 

 4. As the revelation of GOD's word in all ages has been the rule whereby to discern who have been called of GOD to be his servants, and who not; and therefore, when GOD revealed himself immediately to his Prophets, this immediate revelation published by the Prophets was the ground of faith and rule of practice: So now, the revelation of GOD's will being in the Scripture, it follows that by the Scriptures only we can know who are his Ministers- called of him, and`who are not; and this knowledge is ascertain as any knowledge that could be had from the Prophets of old, and as clear and evident.

 

 The Scriptures then I must look into, and by them know whether the LORD has called me or not. The general I find in several places of Scripture: " Occupy till I come." (Luke xix. 13.) " As every one has received the gift, so let him minister unto another." (1 Pet. 4: 1O.) " The manifestation of the SPIRIT is given to profit withal" (1 Cor. 12: 7.) By all these Scriptures I gather, that. whatever talents men have received from CHRIST, they are not to he idle, nor to be kept in a napkin, but that they are to be exercised for GOD: And this Scripture, " Occupy till I come," is the general warrant that Ministers and all other persons of different occupations have to discharge their office. If any.then inquire, What is my call to preach i' I answer, Our LORD'S command and call, " Occupy till I come." Ministers in preaching do but occupy till CHRIST comes. And here is my first ground. But,

 

 5. By this general call, none is particularly engaged to follow the Ministry, but such as are qualified: For he who is fitted for an artificer, for a scholar, for a lawyer, for a physician; although he is bound by this general to employ his talent for GOD, yet is' not every one by this Scripture bound to discharge the office of the Ministry. It is therefore further requisite to a Divine call, that the person be fitted more for this, than for any thing else: He therefore who is not qualified for the Ministry, is not called; and he who is more fitted for this than for any thing else, is called of GOD, because he is called to minister as he has received. (1 Pet. 4: 1O.) A man's talent is the determiner- of that general, " Occupy till I come." Now I begin to see what is my talent; and truly there was no other thing I was more fitted for than preaching and serving GOD in the Ministry: And though my parts were but weak, and my talent small, especially in the beginning; yet did I see some measure of Divine preparation for this work, and truly more than for any other employment, and therefore did I judge I was bound to occupy for GOD in that work.' Some natural endowments I had, by which I was sufficiently capable of any science: The dealings of GOD with my spirit in the way of conversion were very distinct; and though I could not see but confusedly at first, yet afterwards I perceived that work very distinctly: And not only so; the LORD did not only, by conversion begun and renewed, fit me for the Ministry, but gave me great experience of the exceeding evil of my heart, of the terrors of GOD, that so I might know how to persuade others. He likewise opened my eyes to see the glorious mysteries of the covenant of grace, telling me something every day as it were: And truly I had not been many days in CHRIST'S school, when I thought I was come to a new world; my former life seemed a dark howling wilderness, and the life of grace I looked upon as the lightsome Canaan, the harbour of rest. Various conflicts I had with unbelief, and much exercised with the Law and the bond-woman. I was much helped by some old writers; but especially by reading the Epistle to the Romans, by prayer and meditation, by which I came to receive very much satisfaction in my mind

 

in the Gospel. Now I thought the great pains the LORD did take in this with me, the experience also I had of great afflictions, and the LORD's support under them, and delivering from them, and sanctifying the same to me, by instructing me in many lessons by the rod*- What should all this mean, but that the LORD gives me experience of these things, to the end that I should " make (this) his righteousness known in the great congregation" If this be spoken in my ear, shall I not divulge it " on the housetops" And was not all this to qualify me, and make me a fit Minister of the New Testament This was a second consideration to clear my call to me.

 

 6. The LORD did by his’ SPIRIT apply the general call particularly to my soul: He brought home that word, " Occupy till I come;" and told me, the LORD called me to "serve Him in the Gospel of his SON:" For gifts and abilities to preach and pray are not a sufficient call to a man to be a. Minister, though they be necessary to- the call. A man's natural gift and ability for any Magistracy does not presently call him to that office; and some have gifts for divers offices, that yet are called but to one. And hence it is, that a man's call to the office of the Ministry is in some things different from the call of believing: For it does not oblige any particularly to the work of the Ministry without the working of the SPIRIT,: And therefore is the application of the SPIRIT, in the matter of the call to the Ministry,’ a very necessary part, and requisite not only to enable us to the thing as it is in the case of believing, but likewise to warrant that particular thing. For, however the general call, “Occupy till I come," warrant such as have parts and talents to employ them for GOD; yet does it not warrant a godly able man to exercise his talents in a public ministerial way more than any others, until the SPIRIT determine his spirit: And this I found the SPIRIT did likewise to me, (1) In representing to my soul the beauty and glory of the office of the Ministry. O to serve the LORD in this! said I; nothing is like it! To " testify" for GOD, to hold forth "the riches of CHRIST," to bear his name: What more honorable employment! And like as the merchant must see the pearl before he buy it, (Matt. 13: 45,), and we must ,see the SON" before we "believe in Him," so that the beauty and glory of the work of the Ministry must be seen before we take with it. (2.) The LORD by his Srimt did incline my heart to this work; and so many times I was taken off from other studies and exercises, and was set on this, and many times did I ardently desire it; yea, I had marvelous delight in the exercise of any work belonging to the Ministry, in reading of Divinity, meditating upon or writing my thoughts, studying or preaching of sermons: And truly parents send their children to those trades that they observe them to be most of themselves inclined to. (3.) By preparing and qualifying me for that employment; by renewing a distinct work of conversion in my soul,; by exercising me with various outward afflictions; by discovering to me the mystery of grace and the Gospel And the more fitted 1,was, the more inclined to the work and though I studied but little, yet the Lord blessed it marvelously. (4.) By doing my soul good, in being exercised in preparing for the Ministry: For it was by studying to preach, and meditation on several subjects, that my soul recovered out of my first backsliding; and by meditating upon subjects, and preaching of them, I daily grew in grace and knowledge of CHRIST.

 

 7. The LORD not only by his SPIRIT working inwardly upon me, but likewise by his work, did clear that He called me: For my heart was utterly averse to any other study or employment; all attempts, designs and endeavors to settle in any other station were crushed and broken, and matters in the world went still worse and worse; till I resolved and engaged with the work of the Ministry; and from that time I observed the weather turned, and my captivity was turned back. What judgment can I make of the Lord's barring all other doors, and opening this, but that I should go in here, and look to no other thing

 

 8. I am much confirmed in my call to the Ministry by that Providence of the vows I made to this purpose; that the LORD should so soon testify his approbation thereof, and answer me so suddenly, so clearly, so fully: For my want of assurance was my great doubt, and that which made me afraid to engage in the Ministry; whereupon I vowed solemnly, that if the LORD should clear up my interest to me, and reveal the mystery of the Gospel tome, I would then apply myself to the Ministry, provided the LORD did answer this in five years. But the Lord in less than six weeks answered it for in a month, or thereabouts, did the LORD convince me of faith, called me to believe, opened his covenant to me, never left me till I believed it, and then sealed it with the SpIRIT'of assurance: And in my vow I said, that, if the LORD would hearken to me, in clearing these things, I would look on it as an evident token he called me to serve Him in the Gospel.

 

 9. About the latter end of the year 1665, I remember the LORD put this call close to my door, told me I was to be his witness, to testify for Him against the world, to do all the good I could to mankind wherever I was called; and that I should make this my only work, and be faithful, free and full in it; that many things needed, reformation, and that the LORD would employ me in it. This was pressed much-on me; and because I refused, and, like JONAH, fled from the LORD, He sent a storm of terrors after me, and I was cast into a sea and depth of hell many weeks: The work I was called to was so hard, that I durst not undertake it, but delayed it.

 

 1O. Another consideration, that cleared my call to me, was, That the Ministers and, faithful servants of JESUS CHRIST did solemnly examine my call, and after trial of my gifts and conversation by several exercises recommended me, being intimately and -of a long time acquainted with me, having preached frequently in their hearing, and were so far satisfied with me, that unanimously, without the least censure, they agreed to trust me with the dispensation of the Gospel., and this was in the year 1672. They were better judges than myself, and they found the LORD had called me, and therefore did in the name of CHRIST declaratively empower me to exercise the office of the Ministry.

 

 Lastly. When I consider the effects which followed, on my admission to the Ministry, I am much confirmed in my call; for by preaching, and discharging my duty otherwise, I myself was watered, my gifts, increased, more of the LORD'S will was made known to me, and my labors blessed to many, to whose heart and case the LORD made me many times speak-: And though, while I was in Scotland, I never received nor would take a sixpence for preaching, but lived upon what was my own, yet I prospered much in my outward estate in the world, I cleared my debts, I reserved some part of my estate to my debts, and maintained myself; 1 married all my sisters, insomuch that in fourteen years I was better by eight or nine hundred pounds sterling than when I began: And this I looked upon as a token of the LORD's acceptance of my labors.

 

 As to the nature of my particular call to preach the - Gospel; (1.) By ought I can discern through the moving of GOD’sSPIRIT, or the encouragement I had thereto, it was not to preach to any particular flock only, gathered or ungathered; but it was to preach to the whole world. The LORD had scattered both shepherds and flocks; we were then to preach wherever we could find people. Yea, though I had three calls from three different societies of Christians, yet did I not incline to fix with any. My commission, I thought, was rather indefinite than definite: " Preach the Gospel to every creature under heaven." (2.) And hence I was called to preach in a vagrant manner, sometimes at one' place, sometimes at another, here and there, up and down the country, as I was called by the people, not staying above a week in one place. I loved not fixed stipends and pulpits, while the LORD JESUS himself was unfixed; but thought it most kindly to follow the wandering Ark and Tabernacle..(3.) The chief things I was called to preach and declare were, man's misery by nature, the nature of regeneration and salvation by CHRIST, and my spirit did more freely go out in a Gospel-strain than in a legal. I never in my sermons reflected upon the persons of Rulers or Councils; neither labored to stir up the people,- nor did I insist upon public differences. The substantial truths of Religion were the ordinary subject of my discourses, and it was a CHRIST, and him crucified" that I was mostly called to preach. (4.) 1 was called to preach plainly, particularly, and authoritatively, as the messenger of JESUS CHRIST, with all sorts of persons, yet courteously, wisely, meekly, and gently. Not to speak in a cloud of general words, but, "You art the man," to reach home; nor yet to speak lightly or slightly, but seriously and gravely, that it may be reverenced and regarded by those to whom it is directed: For both we should speak, and they hear, as the word of GOD. (5.) I was called to " serve GOD in the Gospel of his SON," as my only work, to make this my trade and calling, in which only, diligently, " in season and out of season;" %to be employed; and to take no other thing in hand, but wholly to be given to this: "Give thyself wholly to these things," says the Apostle to TIMOTHY; "We will give ourselves to the word and prayer." (Acts 6: 16.) I was called,’(6.) to discharge the work of my calling in a special dependence on GOD, for light, life, assistance, wisdom, and a blessing. No calling, no work is there under heaven, wherein there is more need of dependence on GOD. Alas! we know neither what to say, nor how to say: "We are not sufficient for these things, but our sufficiency is of GOD." Nor ought we to speak any thing but as the Lord giveth utterance.

 

 By this I perceive it is not every person, yea, every Christian or-.Saint, that is a fit and qualified person for the Ministry. They must be "polished shafts." Right "interpreters" are rare persons, "one of’ a thousand." " (Job xxxiii. 23.) Nay, very few of those who are called of men, are called of GOD to the Ministry: For, (1.) Ministers must be persons of good parts and endowments, able to convince and put to silence adversaries; they must have knowledge and learning more than others. (2.) They must be, Saints and Christians before they be Ministers; for "how shall SATAN cast out SATAN" What do all his gifts profit, if a man want grace or charity Is he not as "a tinkling cymbal" How shall such "persuade" others, who themselves never "knew the terrors of the LORD" Shall they tell others the way to heaven that never themselves traveled that way Is not this for "the blind to lead the blind" Can a blessing be expected on the labors of such (3.) He must have a more than ordinary stock and measure of grace, of knowledge, patience, zeal, experience, sobriety, watchfulness, faith: He cannot without this be " one of a thousand." He must be one acquainted in some measure with SATAN'S devices, and with the corners of the little world, the heart. (4.) A godly, heavenly, pure, and spiritual conversation and behaviour, must illustrate what he delivers in preaching. To exemplify a godly life, is a clear confirmation of a Minister's doctrine, and if it do not convert them, yet still it will convince them: And when the conversation is contrary, or short of the doctrine preached, that man " destroyeth what he buildeth," he unpreacheth and confutes what he preaches, and gives occasion to people to think religion a stage-play. (5.) The Minister must have the sense of his charge, the danger of immortal souls, deeply imprinted on his heart. It must be clear to him, that the LORD has called him, and to what he is called, and the weight and import of his charge. It is a matter of life and death. Hence the charge of prophesying, committed to the prophets, is called a "burden." He that has but slight impressions of his charge, will never faithfully discharge it. (6.) He must be a tender-hearted man, ready to sympathize with all that are in affliction either inward or outward. Compassion puts Ministers to do much for the souls of people; and when people see the compassion of Ministers, it takes much with them. (7.) They must always live near GOD; they must be, with MosES, much in the Mount. (8.) They must be bold courageous men, "not afraid of the faces of men,"- but "setting their face as a flint." Of all these qualifications I had some small measure, of some more, of some less; though of none what I ought to have.

 

Yet I find I have great reason to be humbled for my short-comings in several things; as, (1.) That I have never been so sensibly affected with the great charge the

 

LORD has put upon me. (2.) In that I have not applied myself wholly to these things, nor given myself to the word and prayer as my only work. (3.) I have not had that tenderness towards perishing souls, nor- such sense of Goes presence and the matters I have been speaking of. (4.) I have not so depended for counsel, direction, strength, and a blessing from GOD: I have spoken in my own wisdom too much, and I,have not had things so purely from GOD. (5.) The duty of particular exhortation was much slighted; many means, as private conference, writing of letters, of saving and edifying souls, have been neglected. (6.) My conversation has not been so shining and convincing as became a Minister. (7.) I was many times timorous and bashful, when I should boldly have appeared against sin and for God.. For these, with many sinful defects, I desire to mourn and be humbled before the LORD, and to seek mercy through the blood of JESUS CHRIST.

 

CHAPTER 7

 

Of my Marriage and Widowhood.

 

 AT that time the Church of CHRIST had great rest and' liberty from persecution, through variance amongst the statesmen, I was as busy as I could, and in August had gone North, and dispatched some business there: I returned South, but a violent persecution had broken out, and there began to be fining, imprisoning, taking, and summoning of persons, disturbing of meetings with soldiers. Yet the Gospel prevailed more and more, and we were like the Israelites in Egypt, the more we were afflicted, the more we grew and multiplied. Some hot-heads were for taking the sword, and redeeming themselves from the hands of Oppressors: But I opposed rising in arms all I could, and exhorted them to patience, and courageous using the sword of the SPIRIT; and I did not see they had any call to the sword, that their " strength was to sit still; " And, if they did stir and take the sword; they would therewith perish; but, if they patiently suffered and endured, God would himself some way support and deliver them. I had influence with the people; and, whilst I was at liberty, I did what I could to keep them peaceable. The truth is, there were great provocations given, so that we concluded it was the design of some Rulers to stir us up that we might fall. Ministers still preached and labored amongst the people, many were brought in; the work of God in the midst of persecution did always prosper, until we destroyed ourselves; first, by needless divisions and difference in opinion, happening' by reason of the Indulgence; and after by rash and unwarrantable taking up of arms most unseasonably in the year 1679; when the Dissenting party, met to worship GOD, being assaulted by armed men, and defending themselves, did kill about thirty men of their enemies: With this success, both being heartened, great numbers gathered together, but not in the LORD's strength; and, by their unseasonable divisions, and folly of some, were made a prey to their enemies. The persecution became' so hot in the latter end of the year 1674, and beginning of 1675, and always after that, that sometimes I was in hazard to be taken preaching. It was then I was excommunicated, with some other Ministers, gentlemen and women, yea, some persons of quality; but the LORD suffered not this ball, though it hit me, to do me harm: The Gospel still spread, and the people of all sorts ventured on converse with us. O let " my soul bless the LORD, and not " be " forgetful of his benefits; let me not conceal his loving-kindnesses, but show them to the sons of men." although the LORD afflicted me, and kept the cross still upon my back yet did he likewise remember mercy, his mercies were "renewed every morning" to me. And, (1.) The LORD showed his mercy to me, in giving me a comfortable and suitable yoke-fellow, who did me good and not evil all the days of her life: In her did I behold as in a glass the LORD'S love to me; by her were the sorrows of my pilgrimage many times sweetened, and she made me frequently forget my sorrows and griefs, and was the greatest temptation to me of saying, " It is good for me to be here;" so that I can seal to the truth of that, " An inheritance is from the fathers, but a prudent wife is from the LORD; whoso finds her obtaineth favor of the Lord." I had not in herself alone a comfortable relation, but I had very much love and respect from all her relations, which were many, and in whose sight I found favor, that they considered me no longer as a stranger, but as their brother, and there was nothing but in what I could command them; and many of them, being Lawyers, Advocates, Clerks, and Judges, I had their service for nought, and glad were they to dome any good; by them I obtained several things, and warded off several blows: Nor did their love die with her, but continued constant to this day, already to pleasure and to do for me now as ever; nor know I so much as of any one breach that ever was between us.

 

 She was kind "The law of kindness was in her mouth:" She was prudent and well-bred, ordered her affairs with great discretion, and by her wisdom and activity did many things that were fair and lovely to look on; was truly religious, and not only would comply with me in any good work and spiritual duty, but many times would assist, stir up, and encourage, and remind me of my duty. 

 

 (2.) I found much preserving mercy from the LORD. I was in great debts when I married; some considerable sums of money was I bound in, others I was not bound in, but yet they were truly owing, and I was not able to pay them, being my father's debts: Had those creditors fallen upon me while I was yet tender, they might have undone me, made my life and my wife's-very uncomfortable; but such as I was owing to, the LORD was pleased to restrain, that they did not sue for their money until I was able to pay them; nor did others stir at all of my creditors, though I

 

had fears they might seize money belonging to my wife; yet none ever moved. Some tried to do something by law, but I prevailed against them; and my cause seemed so just to the Judges, that they could not harm me; so that they agreed with me on what terms I pleased, which was, to pay them what and when I was able, and how I was able.

 

 (3.) The LORD was so gracious to us, as, although I had no gainful employment, nor ever receive.1 sixpence for preaching whilst in Scotland, nor a gift from any relation or friend, yet, by the blessing of the LORD on our management, I discharged a great burden of debt without wronging my estate. In that four years and half's time, I cleared seven or eight hundred pounds sterling which was owing to several persons, and did settle a debt, which between principal and annual rent amounted to eight hundred pounds, for two hundred. My own estate was not above one hundred, my mother and public duties had thirty-five or forty pounds of it, it was not all well paid; I had with my wife sixty-five pounds annuity, besides one hundred pounds of stock; but it is true we got in above five hundred pounds of a desperate debt we looked not for. 

 

 (4.)' I looked on it as a piece of great mercy, that I had by my marriage better and greater occasions of serving the LORD and his people in the Gospel; for, living in the most part in the South with my wife, I had frequent calls to preach both in the cities and country, so that few weeks passed that I did, not preach twice on the LORD's day, and once every week besides, and sometimes much oftener, and always to great multitudes, to several hundreds in the cities, and thousands in the country, being much followed where they knew me:. There was not such a door opened in the North. 

 

 (5.) I increased in grace, knowledge and gifts while married, both. by exercising my talents faithfully, and having the opportunity of hearing the best gifted men in Scotland, by whom..1 profited both as a Christian and as a Minister; and likewise by Providences of mercy and judgment shown me. 

 

 (6.) Many experiences had I of the LORD's goodness in delivering me out of great straits; as in sparing my wife to me when at the gates of death; twice in delivering me from the hands of the enemies; though excommunicated, yet thereby I received no damage; though sought out to be imprisoned, yet 1 was hid; and when such as intended to apprehend me were come in where I was preaching, three several times was I preserved from them wonderfully. Money likewise to supply wants, and credit was cast in to me wonderfully: Especially at two several times, when, if a great sum had not been got, I might have been broken, and my friends with me. But the LORD lent it me, in stirring up some of whom I did not expect it at all, without any motion of mine, to offer freely to me more than would serve my turn. I had likewise experiences of the LORD'S hearing my prayer very remarkably. And, finally, the LORD was pleased to bless me with children; and I bless the Lord, be helped me in some measure to carry Christianly in a. married relation, making conscience of private duties, having sometimes very sweet and heart-refreshing fellowship between me -and my wife alone, seeing and feeling much of the LORD'S goodness shown to me while in that relation, doing. nothing, and watching against what might stain my credit or authority either as a Minister or a Christian. And yet I desire to be humbled, to the justifying of GOD, and abasing of myself, for great short-comings and failings, of which I was both in the time and since convinced; as, (1.) I was not' so useful and profitable to my wife, family, and relations as I might have been; many an opportunity had I, which I in no wise improved; I cannot tell if any of them has got good by me; I was not as the dew to them. (2) I was not spiritual, but very carnal, in the use and enjoyment of lawful comforts; had many times a sensual carnal frame, and designed no spiritual end therein: I did not, wherein I was called, walk so closely with the LORD, as I should and might. (3.) I was by the pleasures and satisfaction I found in a married condition turned off in my longings after heaven, and now began to see a greater good on earth than before, and was in my heart saying, “It is good to be here;" my heart was glued to sublunary enjoyments, and much taken off CHRIST. (4.) I did sometimes perform family duty but slightly, and when in haste omit the same sometimes, and omitted reading, and speaking from the word, and catechizing; yea, and omitted many occasions of spiritual fellowship with my wife, although the time spent therein, and our fellowship that way, was the sweetest part of our married life.

 

 And now there was an end put to my earthly joys, my sun of earthly prosperity was" set, and my nights and " days of darkness," and " the years wherein I have had no pleasure in them," were come. Four years and a quarter did I live in a married condition, " rejoicing in the wife of my youth" in the days of my vanity, that is, from the latter end of July 1672, to the latter end of October 1676; then did the LORD who gave, take away from me the delight of mine eyes, and with her all earthly joys.

 

 I cannot say but the LORD gave me some warning of this before it came to pass. I was threatened in the year 1673 with this, but the LORD spared her for that time: Likewise that Summer before she died, I was then in the North to settle some affairs; but a sudden damp was upon my spirit, by which 1 was overwhelmed with an unknown load of sorrow, and continued for the space of two whole days I hardly during that time could speak, eat or drink; nor know I any cause for it; as it came without any cause, so within two days it wore off my spirit again. Now, these. clouds upon my spirit are always forerunners of a sharp and bitter storm. Again, the sense I many times had of my sinful course of life, my short-coming, my distance with GOD, my not improving the mercies that GOD gave me, did many times, with some impression upon my spirit, presage the evil day coming; yea the extraordinary light and warmth of my sun did tell me always before a shower; for truly the goodness of the LORD to me was my temptation to fear. How frequently I said to myself, O how do I fear the " prosperity of fools" may " destroy me!" I perceive all the people of GOD that I know visited with sorrow upon sorrow; I see lamentation in the "tabernacles of JACOB;" only I have peace, increase in riches and children; have therewith peace and quietness, respect from others, and what not! O, surely if the LORD loves me, if I be not a bastard, a stranger that has no lot or part with the people of GOD, 1: shall not be suffered to walk in a world unknown,. but, shall mourn with Zion. Thus did I many times commune with mine own soul, and as JOB said, " I was not at peace" nor quietness, "yet trouble came;" and, " The evil I greatly feared, was come upon me." Either, if the LORD loves me, (said. I,) GOD will send some painful sickness or blast upon. my estate, or I shall fall into the hands of the ungodly, or my wife shall be taken from me; some awakening or other I shall have, that I know: And accordingly, in the beginning of October 1676, having a call to Northumberland in order to do something, (which, after I inquired of the LORD, I was free to do,) my wife sickened of a fever, and some eight or nine days after died, in vain calling for me during a great part of her sickness, who was then fifty or sixty miles from her, and knew nothing. Letters were sent to me, but came too late, only a day before she died; and, having made what haste I could after I once understood she was sick, I came and found her dead four hours. before. I indeed remember I was, when absent at that time, stirred -up extraordinarily to mind her in prayer; and, about the very time she was dying, an extraordinary cloud of horror seized upon me, being then within twelve miles of my journey to our own house.

 

 It is good for either man or woman to be first married and engaged with CHRIST before they be engaged with any other, otherwise we shall never carry well in a marriage state: When once the heart has made its choice, it is hardly brought to choose CHRIST; and therefore our days of youth are days of choice, in which we are to " remember our Creator." (Eccl. 12: 1.) The LORD was merciful to me, in engaging me with CHRIST before I settled any other way. (2.) It is not convenient, I think, that people not come to the years of discretion should marry; I was thirty-two years of age when I married, and needed all the wisdom and experience that by age I acquired to manage a married lot. (3.) As in all our ways we should acknowledge the Lord, so especially in going about marriage,

 

that we may marry in the LORD. For many years before I had thoughts of marriage, I earnestly besought the LORD, that, if ever I should change my_ relation, He

 

would give me a comfortable yoke-fellow: And, when the LORD opened a door, I durst not so much as make a visit without prayer; and I set a whole day apart

 

before I did propose marriage to my wife, to, know the LORD’s mind whether I should go on or not, and to seek his blessing in case I should see it of the LORD to go on. (4.) The great end of marriage is to get a meet help for furthering the soul's spiritual concerns: We are not therefore to match ourselves any way but such as may be conducible to that end.; other ends and advantages are to be subordinate to this. (5.) Therefore does it much concern us, that the person we marry be a prudent, pious and virtuous person: Fools, or graceless, persons, we can never expect to be helpful to us this way; it is dreadful to take a lump of wrath in our bosom. He that marrieth a prudent, godly woman, is sure to have the LORD Himself to his Father-in-law. The seed of the woman and of the serpent can never agree, dwell, and walk together; nor can an ox and an ass, yoked together, draw equally. (6.) It is absolutely necessary that those we marry, be not of a cross but good humor naturally, and that they have some good measure of prudence; without these two you cannot live comfortably: Yea, grace, though I confess it makes fools wiser, and makes the rugged lions eat grass like oxen, yet it does not destroy nature; and, if there be not the stricter watch, it will vent and cause disorders in the family. That we live religiously, and to GOD, we owe it to grace; but that, as men and women, we live comfortably, is much from prudence and good natural humor. (7.) It is a marvelous and a blessed thing, where GOD is pleased to unite in the bonds of love first these He in his Providence is pleased to join in marriage: This is the blessing of the LORD upon a marriage-condition; this is it which makes the married walk faithfully, in sweet spiritual communion with GOD, in joint spiritual duties and exercises, and which makes it so comfortable; and this I found by experience. I found much sweetness in spiritual fellowship with my wife; the pleasantest time we ever had was those few hours we spent together in prayer, in reading the word, in spiritual conference, and joint binding of ourselves to the LORD, in all which I found her very cordial; nor can I say I found fellowship with any other so sweet as with her.. What a great advantage is it, and how necessary, to be united by love with these with whom we join in fellowship! (8.) Grace makes persons not only good Christians, but good in all relations. To say, a good woman,. but a bad wife; a gracious man, but a cross, peevish, sullen husband; a holy man, but a bad master, or undutiful servant, is that which cannot be. (9.) Marriage is one of the -most important steps of a man's life: O then, with what fear and trembling and godly dependence should we go about such a matter! I shall never forget what a Minister said when marrying two certain persons,. namely,’ That repentance mends all things but an. ill-made marriage.' (1O.) I have observed, that several gracious persons have been very unequally yoked with graceless persons, and that to be the sad lot rather of poor women than of men; and yet this has been blessed of GOD to them, and they helped to carry well under it. (11.) A marriage condition or state is both a, blessed and comfortable state, and also a state liable to many inconveniences; I found this fountain to " send forth bitter and sweet." As it was a life of much contentment, and as I saw much of the love and goodness of GOD, so did I see the same seasoned with many ingredients, cares and vexing fears, that I never found in a single state; so that, if I were absent for four or five days, it was a terror to me to enter into the family, lest I should hear or know that either wife or children were unwell. (12.) although marriage be ordained for preventing of fornication and burning desire, (1 Cor. 7: 4,) and in order to the birth of children to furnish the Church with a holy seed, yet are they

 

not the only great ends of marriage; for aged persons that are past having children, and such as never found violent desires, may lawfully marry, and that to have a suitable help, a suitable companion, who may help us in our way to heaven. (13.) It is a very hard thing to guide a marriage lot, and to walk prudently and in knowledge, to keep such a spiritual frame as to possess our vessels in holiness, and, like ENOCH, to beget sons and daughters, and walk with GOD. Alas! I know not how to walk perfectly in a perfect way, nor how to behave wisely in my house: I many times omitted opportunities of doing good, slighted others; many times slightly and perfunctorily went about family duties, was carnal and excessive, was foolish in many things; yea, the comforts of a present life, wife, children, and relations, did blunt my desire after heaven, and I began to say in my heart, "It is good to be here." (14.) Loss of comforts is as bitter, yea, much more than ever they were comfortable when enjoyed. As I’ much comforted myself in such a comfortable yoke-fellow, so it was exceeding bitter when the LORD withered such a gourd. (15.) Mercies obtained by, and received as the fruit of prayer, are double mercies. What was comfortable and useful to me in a yoke-fellow I obtained by prayer.