DIRECTIONS

 

FOR

 

MARRIED PERSONS:

 

DESCRIBING

 

THE DUTIES COMMON TO BOTH, AND PECULIAR

 

TO EACH OF THEM. BY WILLIAM WHATELEY.

 

THE READER.

 

 THE following Tract did not come into my hands soon enough to be inserted in its proper place, namely, between BISHOP HALL'S and Mn. BOLTON'S works, with whom the author of it was cotemporary. But it can never be unseasonable nor unacceptable, to those who love plain, sound, practical religion. I have seen nothing on the subject in any either ancient or modern tongue, which is in any degree comparable to it;-it is so full, so deep, so closely, so strongly written, and yet with the most exquisite decency, even where the author touches on points of the most delicate nature that are to be found within the whole compass of divinity. I cannot therefore but earnestly recommend it to the most serious and attentive consideration of all those married persons, who desire to have a conscience void of offence, and to adorn the gospel of GOD our SAVIOR.

 

JOHN WESLEY. LONDON, JAN. 6, 1753.

 

THE

 

AUTHOR'S ADDRESS

 

TO THE

 

CHRISTIAN READER.

 

CHRISTIAN READER,

 

 MARRIAGE has scarcely more that use it than that accuse it. Most melt enter into this estate, and being entered, complain thereof. They should rather complain of themselves. It is an unjust thing, and a fruit of ignorant pride, to cast the blame of our grievances upon lion's ordinances. I had been happy, says one, had I not been married. Then wast you foolish both before and since thy marriage. Use it well, and it shall add to thine happiness. We make bitter sauce, and cry out that the meat is bitter. You live in matrimony, not after Gob's direction, but the rules (crooked rules they be,) of thine own lusts, and you sayest, Oh that I had never married! Oh that I were unmarried! For shame keep silence! thy crying shows thy disease. You art indeed married to an ill companion, (thy wicked flesh, that old husband,) and art pestered with its brood, and neither seekest a divorce from this tyrant, nor endeavorest to crucify the wicked offspring thereof. Hence are thy woes; not thy husband, not thy wife, but thy pride, thy passion, cause all this annoyance, all this discontentment.

 

 I labor, in this little treatise, to plead the cause of marriage; not so much in speech as in deed, by directing the married to the knowledge and practice of their duties, which would mend all. These, whatsoever man or woman endeavor to follow, if they prove not marriage a solace to their souls, and a refreshing to their other griefs, let me never but grieve.

 

 These things I commend to thine understanding, to thy life. Use them, and then say how you speedest. I intended them at first for a few, and now communicate them to many. It is no uncharitable (I am sure,) I hope, no unprofitable deed. I desire that you should make some use of them, therefore I make them public: if not, be ignorant, and complain still. I mean them not for the learned, that can find out better directions for themselves; but for those whose place is not too good to learn of the meanest teacher, even for men of the same rank, as they for the most part were, to whom I spoke them. If this work profit, I am glad; then I know it shall please. However, you have it, Reader, and better should have had, if my store afforded any better. So I commend thee to the LORD;

 

Thine in the LORD,

 

DIRECTIONS

 

FOR

 

MARRIED PERSONS.

 

CHAP. 1

 

Skewing the first Principal Duty of the Married, viz. Chastity.

 

 I MUST rank these duties under their several heads, for the better help of mine own and your memories. They are all of two sorts; some principal, and some less principal. The principal I term those which are of the very essence of matrimony; the less principal, those which are necessary to its well-being. The breach of the former dissolveth the bond, the breach of the latter only disturbs the society; if those be violated, the obligation is void; if those be observed, (notwithstanding other imperfections,) the bond remaineth entire, though not without a world of unhappiness. These main duties are only two, Chastity, and due Benevolence; the restraining of themselves from all other persons, and the communicating themselves each to the other.

 

 To these it will prove more easy to remain pure in it. Others have polluted themselves before their entrance into this estate; and these shall find, that marriage will more hardly make them honest: for marriage is like salt, that will preserve sweet meat from tainting, but cannot restore tainted meat to its former sweetness. Wherefore those that have been stained with uncleanness before, must heartily bewail before GOD their former lewd behavior; else marriage will never prevail to contain their desires within compass.

 

 But now to the matter we were about to speak of: A man that has either come clean unto marriage, or else unfeignedly repented of his former uncleanness, shall be strengthened against adultery, by the practice of these things following: First, a constant and conscientious care in performing reading, praying, meditating, and the like) will so purify the heart, that by means of them, a Christian man shall become conqueror over those sins, which seem most unconquerable whilst a man is negligent in them, or omits them altogether. Prayer and meditation will breed wisdom; and wisdom, entering into the soul, will preserve a man from the stranger that flatters with her lips. The word of GOD, digested by prayer and meditation, will be as a sword in the hand of a valiant mats, to cut off the neck of these lusts, as fast as they make head against the soul. Especially, a man given to this sin must often read and think of those portions of Scripture, that condemn, disgrace, and threaten it, and must often and seriously muse of the danger of it, and make his peculiar petitions to GOD for power against it; and thus arming himself most strongly, where he finds himself soonest wounded, he shall be sure to escape these wounds.

 

 Secondly, Painfulness in one's calling must divert the mind from all inflaming fancies, and find both the soul and body so much employment, in things of a lawful and useful nature, that there may be no leisure for such unlawful conceits. It is certain, an idle person, if occasion and his bodily constitution serve, will at last prove adulterous; but the diligent hand, joined with hearty prayer to GOD, will preserve a man pure and undefiled. Where-fore let every man, that longeth to be free from this of-fence, shun idleness, and embrace business. Let him choose a calling wherein to walk, and give diligent attendance upon his calling; let his hand or head, or both, be still set at work in something that belongs to his vocation; and when his calling (I mean his particular calling) ceases to require or need his presence, let the works of his general calling (especially those acts of religion formerly mentioned) take up his mind and thoughts, so shall he be sure to save himself from the danger of this wickedness.

 

 Thirdly, Temperance in diet must be called in to the aid of chastity. It is easy to put out the fire by with-drawing fuel, or at least to keep the flame within the chimney. When the blood and spirits are inflamed with meat and drink, not only the body is apter to entertain the impressions of desire, but the soul also is unable to consider any good thing that should repel such motions. But a body kept fromfulness yields itself to the soul with more ease. Let him, therefore, be duly sparing in his food, that dcsireth to be chaste in his marriage.

 

Fourthly, he that would be free from adultery must shun the corner of the harlot's house, and not come near the place (if he can choose) where such an one dwells, as might cause him to offend. He must resolutely debar himself of the society of such, and keep himself from places, times, and companies that may solicit; and to that end he must resist by prayer the first motions of this wickedness. When SOLOMON had said, that he is void of understanding that commits adultery, he adds further, " he shall not be innocent that toucheth her." Dalliance will breed whoredom unavoidably; and unseasonable company and place will almost enforce to dalliance.

 

 Wherefore a man must preserve his innocency from the gross act of evil, by shunning all manner of dallying; and that he may keep himself from touching her, he must flee from her, and be far away from the pit-side that might devour him. Shun, therefore, with all diligence, all opportunities of this wickedness; especially shun (as a rock) the company of a person apt to tempt, or to be tempted; and consider, that even cold water will become hot, if it be set too near the fire. And these directions are such, as agree to all equally, married and unmarried.

 

 There remaineth another help, peculiar to married persons; and that is, the due and lawful enjoyment of marriage. The ordinances of GOD fail not to effect the things for which he appointed them, if our abuse of them do not hinder their efficacy. Now GOD has ordained matrimony to prevent whoredom. Wherefore let marriage be used as it ought, and the married shall not miss of this effect thereof.-Of Chastity, one chief duty of the married, so much. Let us go forward to the second, which is due Benevolence;. entreating you to take notice, that what shall be there spoken, will be exceeding helpful to this first duty also. We must teach you the lawful fruition of marriage, that you may attain to purity, one special end of marriage.

 

CHAP. 2

 

Treating of the second Principal Duty of the Married, due Benevolence.

 

 THE married are bound in conscience to afford to each other a mutual enjoyment of each other, according as either of their needs shall require. The Scripture is as plain this way as may be: " Let the man give unto the wife due benevolence, and also the wife unto the husband." The word signifies indebted benevolence. It is a debt, you hear, and all debts must be paid when they be required. " Those whom GOD has joined (says our Savior,) let no man put asunder." And again, " Man shall cleave to his wife, and they twain shall be one flesh." And again the Apostle, " Let them not defraud each other." And yet again, " The wife has not power over her own body, but the husband; neither has the husband power over his own body, but the wife." It is not left in the power of either of them, whether or not they will live each with the other; but they are bound in con-science to do it, and cannot without grievous sin deny it. Marriage is frustrated, if this duty be not performed; and the ordinance of GOD is made void, unless those that live in it carry themselves according to his appointment this way. I deny not but that there may be a time of separation for some good space together, either for the public service of the country, or for needful private affairs, so that it be with consent, and upon good grounds: but it is not lawful for a man or a woman to leave each other, totally or finally, with a mind of not returning again to the former society.

 

 But let us consider a little, what rules they must follow in this their society. Four things must be regarded about it, viz. that it be sanctified, seasonable, temperate, and willing. First and chiefly, the society of the married must be sanctified; that is, made holy and lawful unto them by the word of GOD and prayer. They must be both in-formed by the Scriptures of the lawfulness of that their conjunction. For GOD has said, " Let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband." And again, " Marriage is honorable amongst all men, and the bed undefiled." So that there wants not sufficient warrant, in most express words, to authorise the conscience of any man to take to himself the benefit of this ordinance. And besides this due information of the lawfulness of marriage, it is requisite that they solemnly crave the good leave of GOD for the enjoyment of this his ordinance, and also his special blessing upon it, not forgetting to return him particular thanks for his infinite goodness, in providing this necessary means of man's increase and comfort. This point is not to be denied of any, that will not deny the authority of St. PAUL; for he does expressly affirm, that marriage, as well as meat and drink, is sanctified by prayer and thanksgiving. As therefore it were a brutish profaneness, for any man to sit down to his table, as a horse to the manger, and cram himself with viands, without craving the blessing of GOD first, and to return again thence, as a fox from his prey, without returning any praise to the hand that gave him food and appetite; so it is likewise a great licentiousness for married people, as it were brute beasts, carried forward with the tide of their unruly appetites, to come together in marriage, forgetting or neglecting to receive the LORD'S blessing, and to give him due praises for that his necessary and beneficial ordinance. Does not every man's private welfare, and the public also, for the most part, depend upon the success of this society The hope of posterity, the stay of old age, the comfort of weakness, the support of every man's house, together with the flourishing estate of every church and commonwealth, does hang upon the fruit of matrimony. For if GOD send barrenness, or give either monstrous or wicked children, how great is the discontent in the former case, the vexation and torment in the latter And if many families (as it were seminaries) be either empty of plants altogether, or pestered with ill plants, how shall the orchards of the church and commonwealth be stored with good and wholesome trees How then can any man esteem it more than is needful to crave GOD's blessing in a thing wherein it so nearly concerneth him to attain it Surely we should but provoke his curse against us, when we either forget it as needless, or contemn it as ridiculous, to make our petitions unto him for his blessing on his own institution. Yea, whereas marriage is instituted iii part for the subduing of inordinate desires, it cannot be available for that purpose, unless the LORD give it that efficacy; and how can we expect that he should give it, if we scorn to beg it, or to be thankful for it Yea, certainly, the men that use marriage in a brutish manner, not seeing GOD in it, nor sanctifying it by these means unto themselves, shall become thereby more licentious than ever they were before marriage: for what would be profitable to the soul in the holy and orderly use of it, in the abuse will ever prove as hurtful. Wherefore let no man scoff at a duty plainly commanded by GOD; but know, that you have no reason to expect any blessing from GOD, unless you prayest to GOD for it, and returnest to him the tribute of thanks for that which so nearly toucheth thee, as the hope of posterity, and him, as the increase of his kingdom. And if you will be Christians, be so in good earnest, and use all things in a Christian and sanctified manner, and learn to know the force and fruit of prayer even in all things. And so much for the first rule of due benevolence, it must be sanctified; without which, the chief ends thereof will either not be obtained at all, or not with comfort.

 

 It must further be temperate, I mean sparing. Men and women are reasonable creatures, and therefore must remember, that GOD has ordained matrimony, not for pleasure's sake chiefly, but for the increase of mankind; and not to kindle such desires, but to quench them. We must, I confess, take great heed of laying snares upon men's consciences in matters of this nature; and must be very careful not to bind them, where GOD himself has not bound them., Now the Scriptures do not set to men any particular limits in this matter, but only, in general, commend unto us sobriety and moderation, and acquaint us with the true ends of matrimony. And this is a certain and universal rule, that the quantity of every thing must, as near as we can, be fitted to the end. Health, and strength, and comfort, are the ends of food; there-fore so much must be eaten, and no more, as will serve to the procuring of health, and strength, and comfort. The same rule must be applied to matrimony. The mar-lied must not provoke desires for pleasure's sake, but allay desires when they provoke themselves. They must not strive by words and gestures to inflame their passions, when they are cool. But when such passions are of themselves moved, then must they take the benefit of their estate to assuage them, that they may not be troublesome to them in the duties of religion and of their callings. In a word, marriage must be used as seldom and sparingly as may stand with the need of the persons married; for excess in this way does weaken the body, and shorten life; but a sparing enjoyment would preserve the body from divers diseases in some constitutions. Excess inflameth passion, and disposeth the persons so offending to adultery: moderation kills passion, and is a great furtherance to purity. Excess breeds satiety, and makes them weary of each other, and desirous of strangers: moderation endeareth them each to the other, and breeds contentment in themselves. Excess disables them, without much unquietness, to endure separation, upon just causes: moderation makes it easy to abstain, when need requires. To conclude, excess hinders fruit-fulness; but moderation is an help to it. Wherefore the former general rule must be carefully observed, and the married must no oftener come together, than for the extinguishing of this passion engrafted in the body, when it would otherwise become troublesome to them. If imagination and corruption provoke desires, the body not needing nor enforcing them, not marriage, but prayer and humiliation must heal this disease; but when the motions arise from the bodily temper or fullness, the marriage-bed was ordained for a remedy. Here, therefore, is great need of Christian prudence, that they who strive for the mastery may be temperate in all things, and that although all things are lawful to them, yet they may not be brought under the power of any. But to satisfy the natural de-sires, when, though unprovoked, they tend to unruliness, this is a duty between yoke-fellows, and this is the temperate enjoyment of GOD's ordinance, as it is for a man to drink, when labor or other occasion has made him thirsty. Now the sanctified use of marriage will also procure it to be temperate; but they seldom fail to exceed their bounds, who regard not to make their society holy by prayer and thanksgivings.

 

 But this society must have a third rule; it must be seasonable, that with a due distinguishing of the times of separation from the times allowed for that purpose; then must they not take the same liberty as at other times; they are for that season debarred from their mutual benevolence in this kind. There are seasons when GOD and nature separate the man and wife in this respect. Now in any of these times it is forbidden to the husband to converse with his wife. This is plain in the law, Lev. 15: 19, 25; also in chap. 18: 19, and chap. 20: 18; of all which places married people should take clue notice. This is one of the sins condemned by the prophet EZEKIEL, chap. 22: 1S. It is also one of those faults for which the Canaanites did suffer their fearful destruction. And the LORD, in making this constitution, does seem to have aimed at the good of posterity chiefly: for if it should fall out, that upon such unseasonable conversation any issue should follow, the child must:feeds inherit numerous diseases.

 

 But a fourth direction must be given to the married in this point; cheerfulness and willingness must ever accompany their meetings; neither must they deny themselves each to the other at convenient times, nor yet yield them-selves with grudging and frowardness, but readily, and with all demonstrations of hearty affection. The Scripture tcstifieth so much plainly, when it entitleth this duty by the name of good-will, and good-will that is owing. Now no man can call that good-will which is churlishly and discontentedly granted; and it is doubtless a part of great injustice to pay debts with grudgings and delays. This would alienate the heart of the yoke-fellow, and work in him or her a suspicion of estrangement of affection ir1 the other party.

 

CHAP. 3 Of the Love of Married People.

 

 THERE are also; besides these, certain other duties of an inferior nature, which serve to make the lives of married people comfortable; and which, though they be not so essential to marriage as the former, are yet of so necessary observation, that without them matrimony shall be nothing else but the mother of unseasonable repentance. These are likewise of two sorts, some common to both, some proper to each of them. The common are also of two kinds, some in regard of themselves, some in regard of their families. Now the covenant of matrimony does bind those that enter upon it unto all these duties as well as to the former, but not under the same forfeiture. Failing in them does break GOD's commandment very much, but it does not break the bond of matrimony. It forfeiteth their mutual peace, comfort, and happiness; but it does not forfeit their mutual right and power over each other's bodies. Indeed such is the impenitency of man's nature, that soon will he conceit to himself a liberty where GOD gives him none at all. Most men and women are apt to think, that they have due cause not to endure the burden of living with such yoke-fellows, as have no care to perform the duties that shall be named. But it is a very dangerous thing for us to account ourselves freed from our duty, by that which does not free us. We must there-fore cross the desires of our own hearts, and know that we are still bound to our yoke-fellows, notwithstanding their hard usage in other things, so long as in the main matters we be not wronged. You art no whit less bound to continue an husband or wife, because thy yoke-fellow is utterly careless of such duties as shall be named. Arm thyself, therefore, with patience to bear the want of them, and take knowledge of them, not to make thyself falsely conceited of liberty, because you dust not find them; but to make thyself careful to do that which pertaineth to thee, though thy care be slenderly requited.

 

 Now let us lay open the special points of duty: and in general, for the common duties, let this be delivered as a never-failing rule, That whatsoever thing the common bonds of humanity and Christianity tie every man to perform unto another, that married persons are bound to perform each to the other in a far higher degree; for the nearer bond of matrimony is so far from weakening, that it adds force to the more general bonds of humanity and religion: so that what the law of love and piety does command thee to perform to any person as a man or a Christian, that it binds thee to perform unto thy yoke-fellow much more plentifully and diligently. And yet this also must be marked, that in these mutual duties, the husband is bound to be more abundant and careful, be-cause his place is more excellent.-These common duties look in part to themselves, in part unto their families. What they jointly owe to themselves, comes all under two heads, Love, and the chief Effects of love.-As to Love, first, their hearts must be united as well as their bodies, else their union will prove more troublesome than can be imagined. Love is the life and soul of marriage, without which, it differs as much from itself, as a carcase from a living body; yea verily, it is a most uncomfortable society, and no better than a living death. This makes all things easy; the want of it makes all things hard. Love seasons and sweetens all estates; love composeth all controversies; love over-ruleth all passions; it squareth all actions; it is, in a word, the king of the heart, which, in whom it prevaileth to them marriage is what it should be, viz. a pleasing combination of two persons into one home, one purse, one heart, and one flesh. Two things are necessary about this point: first, to show what properties this Love must have; next to show by what means it may he attained.

 

 Now the Love of man and wife must have these two properties, with and above many other: first, it must be spiritual; secondly, matrimonial. It must be spiritual in its ground, and in its working. Love must be built principally upon the commandment of GOD, the only sure foundation of it. The GOD of heaven, the maker of affections, must also be their commander. From whom we have received the power of loving, from him we must also receive directions for the right use of that power. A Christian man must love his wife not only because she is beautiful, witty, dutiful, and loving, but chiefly, because the LORD of heaven and earth has said, " Husbands love you wives." The wife also must love her husband, not only, or chiefly, because he is a comely man, of good means and parentage, kind to her, and of good carriage, but because he is her husband, and because GOD, the Sovereign of all souls, has told women, that they ought to be lovers of their husbands. Not the face, portion, beauty, dowry, or good parts of the married, must be the principal causes of their loving each other, but the will of GOD, who has plainly manifested his pleasure in this matter. That affection, which is grounded upon this stable foundation, will be lasting, as is the cause that procures it; for the commandment of GOD in this matter can never receive an alteration. But that affection which standeth upon other considerations, will be subject to changes every hour: for how can the building stand fast, if the foundation be rotten and slippery Either some storm of contention will overthrow that ill-grounded natural love; or of its own accord it will fall down through age; or else it will degenerate into jealousy, the devouring canker-worm, that eats up the heart of married persons, and consumes or mars the sweet fruit of matrimony. But he that loves his wife, because she is his wife, and GOD's pleasure is, that such a person should be loved, whom himself has united to him in so near a contract, shall so long continue to love her, whatever she prove in other respects, as she continues to be his wife. If you love thy wife because she is fair, well-spoken, courteous, this is well; but what will become of thy love, if all these fail, as all may, and most must fail You loves thine husband, because he is an handsome man, has an active body, is of good wit, and of good behavior, and uses thee well; but where shall we find thy love, if these things should alter, as all earthly things may alter You see, then, there is no firmness in that love, which is procured only by these motives. But if you love thy wife or husband, because GOD has so bidden thee, and the Maker of all things has enjoined it, then shall you find thy love constant and perpetual, as GOD's law continues for ever the same.

 

 Now the knowledge of this property of Love, that it must be spiritual, built upon the rock of GOD's commandment, does meet all objections, which many perhaps will make against it in their own cases. Who (says some husband) can love such a wife And what wife can affect such a husband (says some woman.) I answer you both. That husband who has learned to give to GOD's Word a sovereignty in his heart, who has made reason, rectified by Scripture, the guide of his affections, who has subdued his passions to his judgment, and his judgment to his GOD, and has learned to think it reason for the creature to follow the Creator's will in all things, seem they otherwise never so much against reason, in a word, that man who has his affections spiritual, can bestow them even on such a wife. And so shall that woman also, who has attained such spiritualness of love, find it not impossible to continue her love to such an husband.

 

 And as the ground of the married couple's Love must be spiritual, so must also the working thereof. It must bring forth spiritual effects, seeking the spiritual good of the party loved, by doing, with all readiness, all such things whereby that good (the best of all goods) may be attained. Their affections must provoke them to endeavor after the eternal welfare each of the other; and to labor that they may with more ease and assurance attain everlasting salvation. For that love which has no higher aim than present wealth, peace, and happiness, deserveth no better name than a natural and a carnal love. And surely those that love each other because GOD bids them, will likewise love each other in such sort as GOD bids them, even with such a love as will make them careful of each other's souls, as well as of their bodies and estates. Love can-not be separated from an earnest desire of the good of the party loved; and therefore spiritual love must be desirous of the spiritual good. But, alas! how exceedingly failed' the love of most married people, yea, of most who make some shows of goodness! Many husbands and wives hold the bodies of their yoke-fellows so dear, that they cannot endure to think of their disgrace, poverty, sickness, death; but what becometh of their souls, whether they be sanctified or unsanctified, in a state of salvation or damnation, these are in the number of those things wherewith they are little moved. But are we bound to marry in the LORD, and shall not our marriage be seasoned with love in the LORD You art kind to thy wife or husband, and he or she is so near to thy soul, that it goes to thine heart to think that any thing should be wanting for their good: it is well. But so may a Pagan do, and so may a Turk, as well as thyself, if the good you meanest consist only in being healthy and rich, in living at peace, and enjoying all the benefits of nature. Dost you desire to make thy yoke-fellow a fellow-heir of CHRIST'S kingdom Dost you seek to help thy yoke-fellow to heavenly benefits, as well as to these earthly If go, this is to love spiritually: this love beseems a Christian husband and a Christian wife. If otherwise, thy love is to be discommended, not because it is not good so to love, but not good enough for a Christian, who is commanded to have a more holy and heavenly disposition than that which may be found amongst those that know not CHRIST. Be not therefore carnal in your loves, walking as men, but spiritual, as becometh the sons and daughters of GOD.

 

 Take notice further, that your Love must be matrimonial, as well as spiritual. Spiritualness is a property of that love that is due to all men; we must therefore

 

find out something in the love of yoke-fellows, that may be peculiar to it, and serve to distinguish it from all other loves. For a man must love his parents, his brethren, his friends, yea, and his utter enemies; and love them also, because GOD bids him, and love their souls as well as their bodies. But the love of husband and wife to each other should differ from all other loves in two respects, in regard of which I call it matrimonial: first, in the quantity of it; secondly, in the effect. For the first, a man must love his wife above all the creatures in the world; so must the woman her husband. Next to the living GOD, and our LORD JESUS CHRIST, the wife is to have the highest room in the husband's heart, and he in hers. No neighbor, no kinsman, no friend, no parent, no child, should be so near and dear unto the husband as his wife, nor to her as her husband. Did not ELKANAH say to HANNAH, "Am I not better to thee than ten sons" Surely then he ought to be loved better. Their loves must exceed that of children to parents; and therefore it must know no superior affection but that which is due to the GOD of heaven. So much love does one yoke-fellow owe to the other, as either of them owes unto him or herself. They are one body, and must love each other as each other's self; not alone in that common respect, wherein every Christian is bound to love every neighbor as himself, but in this special respect, because of the special nearness that is between them. Man and wife are tied together in the closest of all unions; wherefore their mutual affection must be most large and abundant; which, if it be not, never will it serve to bear thee out in the other duties of matrimony. A man and woman must do more, and suffer more, for each other, than for any other in all the world: they must bear with more faults each in the other, than in any other; and be ready to take more pains each for the other, seeing all estates are common between them. Wherefore they must love each other more; for more of every virtue is required to be in every one, by how much more large effects of it are required. And therefore the mutual affection of CHRIST and his Church is used to express the nature of this nuptial love, that we might know it to be such as should come as near to the largeness of that love as may be possible. But it must also, for effect, be of a binding and tying nature; it must so knit them to each other, that they may receive full satisfaction in each other. The love of the married must be a single love; causing a man to account his wife the only woman in the world, and not so much as to yield to the least inclination of having another; and so must be the wife's love towards him. Their persons should be to each other the most precious of all persons; and thus love must limit passion, and keep desire within compass. If any man think this impossible, unless every man and woman might find in their own yoke-fellows as amiable qualities as are to he found in others; I answer, that the point formerly delivered about the spiritualness of affections, will satisfy this objection: for not the good qualities of either, but the good pleasure of GOD, is to be the ground of their mutual dearness. Good conditions help, indeed, to make this duty more easy-; but it is such, as must upon other motives be performed, though good conditions be away., And again I answer, that as a man who seeeth more wit and beauty in his neighbor's son or daughter, than in his own, yea, whose own child is deformed, crooked, and dull, or untowardly and rebellious, while his neighbor's child is not only comely and quick-witted, but also gentle, dutiful, and obsequious, does yet love his own child above his neighbor's; even so should it be between husband and wife. A man may lawfully think another woman to be a better woman than his own wife, but not love the person of another more virtuous woman above the person of his own less virtuous; and so likewise may I say of the wife towards the husband. This is matrimonial love; when in its degree it is most strong and fervent, withal settling their hearts upon each other's persons above all in the world besides; which we see that few husbands and wives so much as labor to perform.

 

 Most persons are still upbraiding each other with what matches they might have had; and many could almost prefer any other before their own. These may smile in the faces of each other, but they cannot be said to love each other with a nuptial love. Marriage-love admits of none equal in affection, but placeth the yoke-fellow next of all to the soul of the party in whom it is. Marriage-love will not bear the desire of change, but links the hearts of the married so closely together, that they only are dear to each other in this respect. O how far are most from loving their yoke-fellows as they ought, who yet have thought themselves to have loved each other as well as needs to be! But now you may see how much most per-sons deceive themselves, and how far short they are of perfection in those duties, wherein they account themselves most perfect. We go forward to the second point, (having shown what that Love is, which we require of the married,) to show them the means of attaining it.

 

CHAP. 4 Shewing the Means of attaining Love.

 

 IF any man, finding a want of such love, desire to know how he may get and increase it, let him under-stand, that love will become such as has been spoken, if some natural means be used to confirm it, and some spiritual. The natural means is cohabitation: let them have one house, one table, one chamber, one bed; so shall they with most ease have also one heart and one soul. This was the cause for which the LORD ordained in the law, that no Israelite should be drawn from home the first year after his marriage, upon occasion of public services in war, but should for that space, at least, abide at home with his wife; that so long a time of nearness and familiarity might make their loves for ever after firm and indissoluble.

 

 Besides this natural means of procuring love, they must take notice of two, more spiritual: the one is, to take special notice of GOD's gracious providence for good in their match. They must often put themselves in mind of that which our Savior affirmeth, that GOD has joined them together, for their mutual benefit. We know, that a mean gift is much respected for the giver's sake. If men and women observe the providence of Con, in bringing them together, then shall they take each other as love-tokens from GOD, and so shall be made very dear to each other. He that striveth to love GOD above all, cannot but love all his blessings for his sake. Wherefore do you resolve, that GOD in great goodness (for crosses also, to GOD's people, come in goodness) has bestowed this husband or wife upon thee, and you shall dearly affect thy yoke-fellow, though somewhat perhaps sullied with frowardness and ill conditions; for the dearness of the Giver will countervail the defects of the gift. And if thy match be fallen out somewhat cross unto thee, yet know that the LORD did aim at thy good, and will procure it by this cross, (causing, that though thy life here be less pleasant, yet thy soul shall have a large recompense, if you accept it with patience and thankfulness,) and then the yoke-fellow's distempers may prove unto thee matters of grief, but shall not be able to alienate thine affections. But such as want wisdom to behold the hand of GOD in their union, shall soon cease to love, because their loves are not perfected and strengthened with the love of GOD, the only strengthener and perfecter of all virtues.

 

There is another means of cementing the souls of the married, which will both help the former, and, being joined with it, make it infallibly effectual; and that is, to join together constantly in the performance of exercises of piety to GOD, chiefly between themselves. Let man and wife pray together; let them confer with each other of their heavenly country; let them sing together; so shall their hearts be knit firm to GOD first. 

 

 These are the best means of confirmation to their loves. These will nourish the spirit of holiness in them; and that enkindles love wherever it cometh. These will increase their faith in Got., and faith will work by love. In these they shall feel themselves to have been spiritually profitable each to the other; and to receive a spiritual benefit, cannot but procure a spiritual affection. Here they shall perceive themselves strangers of one country, servants of one family, children of one Parent, and members of one body; and this must needs increase their good will to each other. Religion will knit the hearts of strangers fast in one. How much more effectual will it be, to fasten together the souls of them, that enjoy so many and so perpetual bands besides It is satiety that most times choketh the love of the married; they grow weary of each other by long fruition, and then they care not one for another; but if they season their natural communion with this spiritual communion, the comfort and power of this will prevent all satiety, and make them grow in dearness to each other. Jars and contentions are the greatest hinderances of their love; but the joining together in these exercises will cause, that they shall far more seldom jar, and that their sudden jars shall not fester and rankle, to breed hard conceits of each other, which would he the bane of love. Prayer will prevent most discontentments, and compose all; for when they shall appear before GOD in prayer, instead of each blaming the other only or chiefly, (which is the evil humor of pride, that makes these sores to rankle,) they shall each blame them-selves, and take the greatest fault upon themselves; which being once done, all contentions will cease, and all quarrels will come to an end. The sight of GOD, in his ordinances, will quell the pride of their hearts, and make each to see and feel the greatness of his or her own sins; and then the faults of the yoke-fellow will seem little, and the matter of strife will be quite cut off. Yea, if They come before the LORD in prayer, they shall be so truly grieved and ashamed for their jarring, that it will make them far more watchful over themselves, and far more able to prevent the like occasions for the time to come. The land-flood of youthful affections will quickly be dried-up; but those lively fountains of spiritual affection, which the. joining together in holy exercises shall have digged up for them, will yield a quiet and constant stream of good-will. Those waves, indeed, make most noise, but this spring does best service. That vehement ardor, which sometimes goes before marriage, is more boisterous; but this moderate and sober affection, that is gotten by serving GOD together afterwards, is, ten times more useful. The former, without the latter, will never make one's life happy; but this, without that, will abun-- dantly suffice to a most cheerful living in marriage. Fond they may,,be, who pray not among themselves, but loving they cannot be. Wherefore I pray you all, that are or shall be married, to mark diligently this direction, and not to fail in practising it. What will it profit you to hear good directions from the month of GOD's ministers, if you do not follow them Above all other directions, follow this: Call upon the name of Got) together, peruse his Scriptures together, sing praise unto him together, and talk together of his word and works. Lose not the time you spend alone, either in worldly communication, or in fault-finding, or in merriment, or in sporting with each other; but be careful to redeem time for those holy duties, which as they are in all respects gainful, so are they worth all the time they shall occupy, for the sake of this very fruit, the growth of your loves, which will follow. And verily there is none, that has any spark of godly wisdom, but shall be forced to confess, if he consult with himself in good earnest, that the true cause of the defects of love in the married, is the seldom coming together before the LORD. Either they love little, or love carnally: and why is this, but because they pray but little each with other But if you would maintain love against all breaches, and keep it from all decays, and make it always ardent, always lively, and always working, if you would make it religious, holy, and godly, savoring of piety and the Divine nature, then follow this that has been told you: for if holy duties do not knit and rivet your hearts together, they will soon be severed. If piety to GOD do not thus feed your love, it shall be but feeble, or carnal, or both. But then some man or woman may say, Alas! how shall I do, that have such an husband or wife, as neither can nor will join with me in the services of GOD To such an one I answer: Pray for that yoke-fellow, that will not pray with thee; entreat GOD so much the more often in behalf of thine husband or wife, by how much they are less able or willing to entreat for themselves; so shall GOD in goodness turn their hearts to thee, or at least, thy soul shall be warmed with heavenly love to them; for it is impossible that any should not love that person much and earnestly, for whom they pray much and earnestly. And this also is very sure, though few perhaps will believe it, that to love one's yoke-fellow spiritually and fervently, though one be not so beloved in return, is much more content to the soul, and comfort to the life, than to be beloved by them, with-out so loving.

 

CHAP. 5 Sliewing the first Effect of Love, viz. Pleasingness.

 

 THE Effects of this nuptial Love are three: Pleasingness, Faithfulness, Helpfulness. The first, which must mix itself with all the rest, I call pleasingness. It is a disposition of the will, and earnest desire of the heart, to give all content to each other, so far as they may possibly do it without sinning against GOD. The Apostle tells us, that the married man careth for the things of this life, how be may please his wife, and the wife also, how she may please her husband. This he mentioneth not as a matter in either condemnable, but praise-worthy in both, and that whereof (in all worldly businesses) they should be most regardful. For though it be a matter of some difficulty, yet it is of exceeding great fruit, and of absolute necessity to the well-being of the. family. The Apostle tells us, that he did seek in all things to please all; meaning so far as he could without sin: this duty is therefore a general duty towards all men, and shall it not be much more needful between them that are so nearly united Wherefore the husband must do, or leave undone, any thing he can, that he may give satisfaction to the wife; and so must the wife, for the husband's ease, cross her own desires to satisfy his. In diet, attire, in choice of company, in all other affairs, they must frame themselves to afford each other such an absolute fulfilling of desires, as may be without the transgression of Gov's law. That which will make this duty possible, is resolution and practice; begin, and the proceeding will prove pleasanter than the beginning. That'which will make it easy and comfortable, is the mutual laboring for it on both sides. For if the wife would apply herself to please her husband, he should find it an easy matter to please her; and if the husband would seek his wife's contentment, she might with much facility content him. Endeavor to please produces a willingness to be pleased; and it cannot be difficult to satisfy one who desires as well to give as to take satisfaction. But some married people may perhaps imagine, that their case admits not of this advice, because they have yoke-fellows so froward and discontented, that nothing will content them. I answer, it is not iu men's power to make a froward person take things well, but it is in their'power to do their best to satisfy such a one, and to strive so much the more painfully, by how much the other's disposition is more averse from it. GOD looks that one should, not effect, but endeavor the satisfaction of the yoke-fellow; and if the one be not behind-hand, in giving all just cause of being pleased, the other shall bear the whole blame, before GOD, of that peevishness which would not suffer him or her to be pleased. It will be objected here, that it will be very hard to continue striving against the stream; and so indeed it will; but good duties must not be omitted, because they are hard. The scholar that has an bard lesson, must settle more hard to his hook, and not cast it away in sullenness, and say, he cannot learn it: so the husband that has a perverse wife, or wife that has a perverse husband, must give more diligence to give content to such husband or wife, and not carelessly cast off all, by saying, they arc so cross that nothing will please them. Verily this is a painful work, but withal it is a possible work. It cannot be that there should remain so great passionateness in the breast of any man or woman, but that they will be kept in better terms by a yoke-fellow striving to content them, than if no care at all be used in that way. Let therefore the hardness make each more diligent: for if the husband or, wife will be unquiet, do what the other yoke-fellow can, how much more if there be no pains taken to make them quiet. Encourage thyself in this tedious labor, by remembering, that if you can not please thy yoke-fellow as you desirest, yet you shall not fail to please -GOD. Here you must be put in mind of that worthy counsel, which SoLoMoN's grave counsellors gave to his young son; " If you please this people, and speak to their hearts, they will be thy servants for ever." So say I to thee now, if you speak to the heart of thine husband or wife, and seek to please him or her, by yielding to them, even in things perhaps that are somewhat unreasonable; this, if any thing, will change their bitterness into gentleness, and their rebelliousness into subjection. Wherefore let all yoke-fellows meditate thus with themselves:-I cannot please GOD, if I strive not to please my yoke-fellow. He loves not an house full of brawls; discord drives him with his blessing out of doors; and there can be no peace where there is no striving by mutual pleasingness to nourish and settle peace. The harder this proves, the more commendable it is in me, and the better the LORD will take it at my hands, and the more will he reward it at the last. Wherefore I will cross mine own desires, rather than mine husband's, or my wife's, and so carry myself that they may receive contentment in all things, if any thing but sin and wickedness will content them.-Brethren, let thwarting and crossing each other be far from your houses. To cross one's self is a matter of great praise; to cross another, especially one so near, is a point of as great folly as can be; neither can any thing in the world less become married people, and be more reproachful unto them, than to intend the vexing of each other. I will do it, if it be but to vex thee, is a speech so odious in the mouth of husband or wife, that scarely any thing can be more so. The husband might almost as well tell his wife, that he will be an whore-master, and she him, that she will be an harlot. Doubtless this thwarting humor, that will do a thing to vex the other, is in the family like the cramp in the body, which pulls and racks the sinews, and makes the body full of torment. This kills all the comfort of society. It is the most contrary to love of any thing: it hinders the going forward of all thrift, and of all duty. Wherefore, let none of you hereafter bear that absurd thought of vexing his wife, or her husband, but, next to pleasing GOD, make it your business to please each other. Indeed this caution, " next to pleasing GOD," must needs be put in, for else it is a wicked thing, to provoke GOD by seeking to please a creature. If any thing but the breach of GOD's law will satisfy thy yoke-fellow, you must do it, be it never so troublesome, so opposite to thine own desires, and contrary to thine own will; for every one of us, says St. PAUL, must please his neighbor, much more his husband or wife, in that which is good for edification. But if you can not fulfil the desires of a man, without breaking the law of GOD, then say, it is better to offend a mortal creature than the immortal Gov; for as GOD must be loved above all, so must be be pleased above all; and as yoke-fellows must be loved next to GOD, so must they also be pleased next to him. Only consider, that this point is delivered unto you amongst the duties that are mutual. Most husbands look for it from their wives, but esteem not them-selves bound to do it towards their wives: but look, what force obedience has to tie the wife unto it, the same has love to tie the husband. And so much be spoken of the first effect of love,-pleasingness. There are two more of special use.

 

CHAP. 6

 

Of the Faithfulness and Helpfulness of the Married.

 

 HUSBAND and Wife must be to each other faithful and helpful; these two must ever be joined, and therefore we speak of them together. This was one principal thing which the LORD did aim at, in making the woman, and joining her unto her husband: for "it is not good" (says He,) "for man to be alone; I will make him an help meet for him." And doubtless the man was to give help, as well as to receive it, and to do more good, by how much he was endowed with more strength.

 

 Now this helpful fidelity consisteth in their mutual care of abstaining from, and preventing, so much as may be, all such things as might hurt or grieve each other; and of doing themselves, and procuring from others to be done, all such things as may make for the comfort and benefit of each other. Then are they faithfully helpful to each other, when they will never do themselves, nor suffer, if they can hinder, others to do, any thing that may harm each other; and when they are diligent to do them-selves, and cause others to do, so far as lies in their power, whatsoever may be good one to another.

 

 This duty must extend to the souls, bodies, names, and estates of each other. First, to the souls, by provoking each other to all piety and holiness of living, as occasion serveth. The husband must not hinder, but further, the wife in goodness, nor she him; for the wife also has liberty to exhort and stir up her husband to well-doing, and to prevail by entreaty and fair means. Their nearness of society gives them many and great occasions of swaying each other either way. They must therefore beware of becoming the Devil's instruments to allure each other to sin: for there cannot be a greater mischievousness in the world, than for a man and wife to abuse that power,.which they have either in other, in order, as it were, to poison each other; but they must be ready with special diligence, as they have special opportunity, to consider one another, and to provoke unto love and to good works. If the wife perceive the husband slack in matters of religion, or mercy, she must ever be commending these things unto him, and putting him in mind of the excellency of these virtues, and the great reward which GOD will give to them that practice them, and sweetly drawing him to a more frequent practice of them, always remembering to be mild and gentle in her speeches this way, as one that would allure, and not force. The husband likewise must, with the most familiar and kind speeches that may be, stir up his wife's dullness, if he perceive her dull, and remind her of those motives that may encourage and. quicken her in all well-doing. O how sweet a society would this of nian and wife be, if they could in this manner be watchful of all opportunities to further each other in godliness.

 

 Again, because they have continual occasion of intimately conversing with each other, therefore they may discover in each other divers corruptions and imperfections. Now they must not turn these infirmities into matter of hatred and contempt, but of compassion, and care of procuring each other's reformation. They must not upbraid each other with their sins, nor seek to provoke the corruptions which they find apt to be provoked; but rather give all heed to cut off all such occasions as they find will give advantage to such corruptions of their yoke-fellows, and brake them break forth to their hurt; and they must, by all good counsel, fortify each other's souls against the common enemy. They must both observe the temper and constitution of each other's souls, till they perceive what infirmities they are either of them chiefly inclined unto; and having found them, they must diligently abstain from all things that may provoke those evils, and prove occasions of making them overshoot themselves therein: and further, they must apply all means to weaken such corruptions, and to stop their overflowing, that they may not proceed to any extremity, if they have begun to offend in some degree. Their acquaintance with the diseases of each other must not be made a cause of their vilifying each other, by casting in each other's teeth such imperfections, but rather of helping each other, by avoiding all such words and actions as would increase and incense them, and adopting such gestures and speeches as are fittest to heal and mitigate them. For example; if the husband perceive the wife apt to be angry, and that such and such things will easily put her out of patience, he must pity her weakness, and care-fully abstain from such things; so must she deal with him; and so must they carry themselves to each other, in regard of all other frailties, as well as anger. Yea, if either of them be given to any such high degree of wickedness, as that their own words alone, after all labor to draw them out of it, will not work amendment, then must they not fear to seek the help of some more wise.and able friend, who may perhaps effect that cure which themselves have failed of. And in case they find little fruit of such endeavors, and the yoke-fellow will hearken to no admonition, yet they must continue to wait and pray, referring the matter to GOD, the only physician of the soul, who is able in due season to redress all. But those deserve to be condemned as most treacherous to each other, who, for their own ease, will permit their yoke-fellows to sleep in sin. Let them even swear, or break the Sabbath, still many yoke-fellows, for fear of a storm, can keep silence in such cases. This is to betray one another to the Devil, and to give each other leave to go to hell without check. Wouldst you super thine husband to poison himself, for fear of enduring his anger if you should snatch the poison out of his hand Wouldst you let thy wife cut her own throat, for fear she should chafe and scold, because you tookest the knife from her Doubtless to let them kill each other's souls, and say nothing, for fear of passion or hard usage, is no less sinful and hurtful perfidiousness, than to give way, for quietness-sake, to their hurting of each other's bodies. And they also are to be blamed as unhelpful, yea very mischievous, that are ready to spy out the faults of each other with an evil eye, and to make them worse, and not better; that look out the faults of each other, as enemies do the weak places of a city, to make them weaker, and as evil surgeons handle a sore, to make it sorer. Wo unto such husbands or wives! Sorry help is it which they afford to their companions, and miserable helpers are they; and GOD shall one day reckon with them for having done so little good, where he appointed them to do all good.-So much for the faithful helpfulness of men and women to each other's souls, in seeking to plant and water virtues, and to pull up the roots of vices in each other's minds.

 

 They must farther practice the same virtues toward the bodies of each other, by shunning all things that may cause diseases or sickness to each other, and by readily undergoing any pain or cost (according to their power) to procure diet, physic, attendance, or other necessaries for keeping or recovering health. Yea, they must comfort each other in the days of sorrow, that worldly sorrow may not breed death. The wife must be health to her husband in his sickness, and he to her. She must support his weakness with her strength, and he hers. They must most willingly devote all pains, and undergo all cost that is in this way needful, for the ease and content of each other. To neglect one so many ways endeared, as a husband or wife, partaker of all estates,-this is a notorious hard-heartedness, and should cover their faces with blushing that have offended in it. Sickness and weakness are things of themselves sufficiently tedious; there needeth not the addition of the husband's or wife's unkindness, to make the burden heavier. This is to add adversity to adversity, and to load one more, that is already sinking under his load; a most barbarous and cruel unkindness! When the body fainteth, to make the heart faint also,-when the limbs and joints are weak, to fill the soul with weakness, by causing grief at the other's niggardliness and churlishness, (grievous things when practiced from one so near, and who owes quite the contrary,)-this is murder in a high degree. Wherefore let every husband or wife avoid or mend this fault, and look to their demeanour towards their yoke-fellows, especially in times of weakness,. grief, and sickness. When the wife is great, and full of anguish with the labor of breeding and bearing; when she is in travail, or begins to recover the strength which pains in travail had diminished; then comfort her with loving speeches; then cheer her with an affable countenance; (for that is a time when pure good-will should be most wakeful and working;) then see that she want no attention, no good usage, that you can help her to. This is to be helpful to her body. So when thine husband is sick and feeble, when he languisheth upon his bed of pain and weakness, when his bones ache, when his eyes refuse sleep, when all things are distasteful to him, then stay him with comfortable speeches, then revive him with diligent attendance; do all you can, and spend all you can, to the recovering of his strength, or easing of his torment; let thy love and care be his physic, and thyself his physician; and let the comfort of thine helpful carriage so content his soul, that his body may more easily be strengthened. This is to be a good wife to thine husband's body, and'to cherish him in sickness, as thy promise binds thee to do.

 

In the third place, man and wife must be faithfully helpful to each other's names; and that in a double respect, in maintaining thereof between themselves, and also amongst others. First then, every married couple must uphold in their hearts a good opinion of each other, so far as may possibly stand with truth. The husband must think well of his wife, she of her husband. Yea, for a man and wife to have in some degree an over-good opinion of each other; for him to think her not only more beautiful, but also more loving, more dutiful, more submissive, more trusty, than perhaps she is, (making her virtues carry a greater show to his eye, by looking upon them through the spectacles of love;) or for her to account him not only more comely and well-favored, but also more kind, more careful of her good, and more true to her, than it may be he is indeed, (by interpreting things with that largeness of good interpretations, which much love will put upon them;) is a thing so far from blame, that it deserveth rather commendation. Certainly, then, they should be peremptorily resolved to give no credit to ungrounded, unwarranted surmises; they should by no means suffer their hearts to grow mistrustful of each other's honesty and fidelity. She must never think that he does affect other women, unless,the matter be more than manifest. She must never imagine that he does waste or consume their estate, unless the fault be palpably and notoriously plain. He must never persuade himself that she is wanton, or given to strangers, or that she robs him, and purloins from him, unless Ile can make good these matters with such clearness of proof, as will not admit of any reasonable defense. All jealousies, all rash, hasty, light, ill-built surmises, must be far from the society of matrimony. For if once their souls be infected with such mistaken conceits of each other, love will go out at the same door at which suspicion comes in. He or she that has a jealous head (an head, I mean, apt to misconceive and suspect) never had, truly, a loving heart. Such might have a natural passion; they might be fond; but an holy and virtuous

 

and spiritual affection, they never had, nor can possibly have, if they give way to these evil surmises. And therefore, of all the domestic make-bates that be, and of all those things which are apt to set quarrels between the married' couple, nothing in the world is more pestilently effectual to these bad results, than jealousy. Having leavened the heart, it makes the speeches sharp and tart, the countenance sour, and the whole behavior keen and untasteful. No good words, no good looks, no good gestures, no good actions, can proceed out of a jealous man or woman's heart. Jealousy will make a man suck mischievous things out of his own fingers' ends, and vex himself, and blame his yoke-fellow, as much where no fault has deserved it, as if there were a fault. This evil weed must not be suffered to grow up in the garden of matrimony; for if it do, no good herb will prosper near it; it will over-run all that is commendable, and suffer no praise-worthy thing to flourish. And therefore let all that have knit themselves together in this covenant, loathe and detest any motion or fancy that may arise within them of any unchastity, any unfaithfulness, any evil meaning, of their yoke-fellows; let their hearts (I say) rise against these motions, and let them disdain to give the least credit unto them, unless the proofs be more than manifest. Away with this make-bate, jealousy, this quarreller, suspicion, this breeder of brawls, this. mother and nurse of contention, this secret underminer of love, of thrift, of good husbandry, and good housewifery, and of all things that should be profitable to an household. Away with it (I say) out of thine heart; chase it far off from thy breast, and from thine house. It is better to receive ten wrongs without suspecting, than to suspect one without having received it. Aptness to suspect another grows from the evil root of a bad nature, whereby one is apt himself to offend. Where-fore, as you wouldst stand for the good name of thy yoke-fellow against the tongue of a slanderer, so stand. far it against the slanderoas dreams of thine own heart, and take heed of believing thine own fancies, or other reports, without most pregnant proofs. And if any wicked person, a maker of division between the head and body, will suffer his lips to be so ill employed, as to become SATAN's bellows to blow these coals between you, by telling thee this and that; rebuke such a person, reject his words with detestation, fly from his society, and let not thine ears and heart be defiled with giving gentle audience to a whisperer and tale-bearer. In one word, wouldst you love, or be loved Wouldst you live otherwise in marriage, than in a prison or a dungeon Wouldst you give or have any quiet or content Strengthen thine heart in a firm and unalterable and unconquerable good opinion of thy yoke-fellow, and rather be any thing than jealous. And thus must the married preserve their credit at home, in the breast of each other.

 

 They must be tender also of their good reputation abroad, and beware of casting mire in the faces of each other. This mutual saving of each other's credit requires two things: first, that they labor to conceal the weaknesses, each of the other, from all others, as much as is possible. The husband must use his best endeavor, that. none may know of his wife's faults but GOD and himself, neither must he be willing to lay them open any where, but to the ear of heaven, where he may crave pardon of them; and the woman must do her best, to keep her husband's evils from the knowledge of all the world. All blabbing and loud accusing must. be far re-moved from them that have so near an interest each in the other. They must account their credit, as well as their bodies, to be in a manner all one. The publishing of each other's sins and imperfections is a monstrous treachery, and a thing than which nothing can worse become them, in the judgment of the wise. To backbite an enemy is a sin; how much more to backbite one's own yoke-fellow Whose faults can one cover, if not his wife's; that is to say, his own Who can be

 

free from reproach, if one so near him as his wife, seek to deface his good name It is almost impossible, but that a man and wife shall sooner or later discover their weaknesses to each other; and for them to be playing the tell-tale each against the other, what soul does not loath the thought of it Unwise man or woman, will thy husband or wife be the better for thy lavish reporting of their faults Will thy tattling about their vices mend them If not, why dost you disgrace thyself, in seeking to disgrace thy yoke-fellow Why dost you publish thine own untrustiness, uncharitableness, and indiscretion, in publishing the frailties of thine husband or wife, and make all wise men take thee for a passionate, open-mouthed backbiter, by telling abroad what you findest amiss at home Wherefore, if any have given leave to themselves to be so sinfully talkative heretofore, now let very shame cause them to lay their hands upon their mouths, that they may not more and more incur the name of fools, by making their tongues to spread abroad folly. I deny not, but that a regard to the yoke-fellow's soul may make either of them seek a counsellor and admonisher for the other: but it is one thing to acquaint with the fault of one's husband or wife some one friend, (for more than one in this case should not easily be trusted,) and that in secret, another thing to throw it open before company. Such a friend will so seek to heal the soul, as that he may not wound the credit; and will be tender as well of the name, as of the conscience of his friend. But the greater number seek only to deface the credit, without regarding the recovery of the soul. The former discovery cannot hurt at all, the latter can do no good at all. Wherefore to utter to one, privately, for the sake of the soul's health, the sin or sins of the yoke-fellow, may proceed from love, because it tends to good; but to ease one's stomach against him or her, by pouring forth their faults, is as rottenness in the bones. Know, therefore, and practice this duty, O husbands and wives; disclose not each other's faults, but conceal, hide, bury, and cover them, as much as truth and equity will bear.

 

 And besides this, you yoke-fellows must, for each other's credit and comfort, keep the secrets of each other faithfully. There may fall out an occasion for a man to acquaint his wife with some such thing, as it much concerneth him to have kept close from others; and the woman may likewise have cause for thus opening herself to her husband.. In such cases, they must use all secrecy. But if in such cases they prove unseasonably open, and the wife find that her husband has revealed that, which she would have had reserved to his own only knowledge; or if he find that his wife has vented that to another, which he desired should dwell with herself alone, this will breed between them such an estrangement, such a distrust in each other, as it will not be an easy labor to remove. For how should that person be trusted with any thing who cannot keep counsel Wherefore, let husbands and wives always mind this: if he lay up any thing in her breast, let him find it safe there, as in a chest which cannot be opened with any pick-lock: if she commit a thing to his safe keeping, let it be safely imprisoned in his bosom; otherwise no man can help being strange towards such an one, whom experience has convicted of blabbing. And it is a most infallible truth,. that there is no comfortable living in marriage, where the practice of trustiness and concealment is not found.-So you have heard what care married people must have of each other's good name.

 

The last part of faithfulness to each other, is that which concerneth their goods or estates, wherein they are bound to be mutually helpful by all good means. And to this purpose it is requisite, first, that they practice community in their estates; next, that they practice good husbandry. For the first: between man and wife, all things ought to be common, goods as well as persons; for if they may not make a division in the greater, shall it not be a gross absurdity to make it in the lesser They must have coral house, and one purse; they are but one, and their estate must be but one. I confess, that GOD has made him the head and chief disposer; but without all question, she that has a part in himself cannot want right unto that which is his, for honest purposes. How can any man, with a good conscience, forget that part of his public and solemn covenant, wherein he endowed her with all his worldly goods-And having thus united their estates, let them, secondly, play the good husband and the good housewife therein. In husband and wife, the next points to godliness and honesty are good husbandry and good housewifery. This good husbandry standeth in three things; labor, thrift, forecast. Painfulness in getting, discretion in saving, providence in fore-seeing, these three make up good husbandry; and if any of these be wanting, so much is wanting from the perfection of it, and so much shall be wanting from their comfort and prosperity. First then, they must both employ them-selves in such honest courses of getting and maintaining themselves, as GOD shall call them to. Neither must he live like a drone, and make a drudge of her; neither must she give herself to ease, and cast all the labor upon him; but both must apply themselves to their vocations painfully, and both be ready to dispatch those businesses, for which themselves and families will fare the better. He without doors, she within, he in such things as befit his sex, she in those that become hers, must be content to unite their pains for their profit, and to undergo the labor of getting their living in the sweat of their brows. Secondly, what they have painfully gotten, they must likewise thriftily save from needless expences. They must not pinch from mercy and justice, but with-hold from prodigality and lavishness. A sweet tooth, and a fine back, are pick-purses; they must banish these out of their houses. He must not lavish it out abroad, neither must she lay it out at home; neither must they both join in needless expenses, but rather in practising those virtues, by which both shall find comfort in their estates, and praise with GOD. Thirdly, they must both be provident; laying their heads together, to consider what good things are requisite for their estates, that they may procure them; and what hurtful things would come upon them, that they may prevent the same. Forecast is as good as labor; and the work of the head is no less available than the work of the hands. Two eyes see more than one, and two hands dispatch more business than one; she is his helper, and he must not refuse her help in this case, for it seldom falleth out, but that a man too reserved from his wife does plunge himself and her into divers unnecessary crosses. Thus doing, they shall procure sufficiency to their estates; and their hands, by GOD's blessing, shall find abundance. But the idle person walks upon a thorn-hedge that will surely prick his feet. The careless person shall put his foot into a snare that will entangle him, and GOD himself will cast upon them vexation and sorrow. But one caution must be given in this matter; namely, that they be both mode-rate in these their worldly affairs; for if they fall to carking, and pinching, and desiring riches, heaven and earth cannot keep a family, diseased with this dropsy, from many troublesome and deadly pangs.

 

CHAP. VII

 

Skewing the Duties of the Married to their Families.

 

 WE have treated of those duties which man and wife jointly owe to each other. There follow some which they must practice in regard of their Families. For a man and a woman, who before were members of another family, therefore join together, that they may become the roots of a new family, and begetting children, and training them up, together with servants, according to their place, may provide plants for the church, GOD's own vineyard. Wherefore, they have not thoroughly discharged their duties, by the performance of all these things to each other, unless they carefully regard their household also. Herein indeed the husband must be acknowledged as the head; but the wife is to take the next place, and, as subordinate to her husband, must become an helper and a furtherer. The things them-selves, which I shall name, belong to them as governors of an house, in relation to Children and Servants; but the joining together therein is that which must be pressed as a part of their marriage-duty.

 

 Now this their Family they must both maintain and govern, keep and guide.-First, they must join in making Provision of all leressaries for their children and servants. He is worse than an infidel, says the Apostle, that provideth not for his own, especially for them of his family. They must not carry themselves in such sort, as infidels would disdain to do. But this duty is co-incident with that I spite of before, Faithfulness in their Estates; for by joining their hands and heads in labor, thrift, and providence, they shall cause that no good thing be wanting to their children or servants. And verily it is a great commendation to the governors, when their care-fullness does save all about them from want. Herein they imitate the living GOD, the Father of this great family, the world, who fills every creature with good things fit for it. Wherefore let them practice those directions which were before set down, and so do two good things at once, even profit themselves, and all that pertain to them.

 

 But a family must be governed as well as maintained, and how should it be governed but by them Where-fore they must also be good Rulers at home, and join in guiding their people under GOD. The man must be taken for GOD's immediate officer in the house, and as it were the king in the family; the woman must account herself his deputy, an officer substituted to him, not as equal, but as subordinate. And in this order they must govern; he, by the authority derived unto him from God immediately, she, by authority derived to her from her husband.

 

 Now this their Government looketh to matters of GOD, and matters of the world.-Their first are must be, that the living GOD be truly worshipped in their house, and that the knowledge and fear of him be planted in the hearts of their children and servants, To this end they must read the Scriptures, and call upon the name of GOD amongst them, and catechize them in the principles of true Religion, that none under their roof may be ignorant of the fundamental truths of godliness. To this end also they.must look, that the Sabbath of the LORD be sanctified by their people, and must carefully and constantly bring them to the public assemblies, and examine them afterwards as to their profiting thereby. Thus the main care of all good and Christian governors should be, that religion may flourish in their houses. Why has GOD given the name of Churches to Christian families, but because of those holy services which are to be done publicly in the family, whereby they are all sanctified, and become even houses for GOD to dwell in If this care be wanting, they shall also want GOD's blessing on all their other cares; yea, their family shall but be a nursery for hell, their children and servants remaining still children and servants of the devil, because they neglect those means by which they should be made the children and servants of GpD. Were it not better, in regard of themselves, to have kept no family, than such a family, whereof the members are brought up to nothing but damnation Wherefore nothing in Scripture is more evidently required, than that fathers bring up their children in the nurture and admonition of the LORD, and that they continually whet the Law of GOD upon them, and be talking of it to them, whilst they sit in their houses. And lest we should think that this care appertaineth to the parent alone, and not unto the master also, ABRAHAM is commended, for that he would command his servants to fear the LORD, that it might go well with him and them both. And JOSHUA undertaketh, for him-self and family, that they will serve GOD. And when GOD enjoineth the master to look to his whole family that they break not the Sabbath, must not the negative here, as well as in other commandments, include the affirmative And how shall he see that they sanctify GOD's Sabbath, if he take no pains to bring them to the knowledge of GOD and of his service Wherefore let man and wife be principally helpful to each other in this business. When the husband is present, let him read and pray with his family, and teach them the fear of the LORD. In his absence; let the wife do these duties, or at least take care to see them done; and let them both provide convenient time and leisure for the same, and each quicken the slackness of other, if either begin to grow slack. Seeing they desire to be called GOD's servants, let them deserve that name, and be careful to do him service in their little commonwealth. How can they look for prosperous success in any thing, if the homage due unto the chief LORD be neglected Why should he be accounted worse than an infidel, who provideth not food and clothing for his family; and he that lets their souls go naked, for want of that which is both food and clothing unto them, I mean instruction in the things that pertain to life and godliness, deserve a less disgraceful name Here therefore let man and wife be ever ready to stir up each other out of that sdoes and negligence, which will be ever ready to seize upon them, But how seldom this is done, lamentable experience may teach us. Sometimes the husband would have GOD served in the family, and then the wife hangs off; and counts it loss of time. Some-times again the wife would fain have the worship of GOD take place under their roof, and he, like a profane beast, calls it preciseness, and will not have an hour spent so idly. Sometimes both conspire in negligence and omission: but how seldom do their desires and endeavors meet in this most needful point How seldom do they provoke and encourage each other in so profitable works

 

 Now therefore, I say again, let all husbands and wives that fear GOD be of one mind in the LORD, and let them not fail in using all good means to plant and water piety in their people's hearts, by establishing the exercises of religion in their houses.-And thus for the matters of GOD must they govern well.

 

Now as to the matters of the World also, they must oversee the ways of their families.-Of this oversight these are the parts: First, they must appoint their inferiors such works and services, as are fit for them to do, and follow them, and look after them, that they may per-form their duty accordingly: for had not the LORD seen, that inferiors would stand in need of such following, he would never have made this difference in the family. If servants and children would of themselves be painful in their business, what need the master or mistress do any thing in the house But GOD saw well, that the best servants in the world would need help in this way, and therefore ordained governors in a family; yea, even two governors, one chief, the other subordinate, that the absence of one might be supplied by the presence of another.

 

 Secondly, They must mark the carriage of their inferiors, and take notice what disorders are ready some-times to creep in secretly, sometimes violently to break in; that such evils may be either prevented or resisted speedily. Idleness, tattling, discord, and many more imperfections, are apt to steal upon the best servants and children in the world, which the LORD well knowing, made rulers in the house, to keep all in good order. And if it seem unto us, as it is, a cumbersome thing thus to rule and guide an household, we must remember, that GOD did not make man to live at ease, and take his pleasure, but to do service. And though this care be troublesome, yet the mischiefs that will follow upon the want of it are much more troublesome: for if the eyes of the master and mistress stand not open to see and oppose the faults of those that are under them, they will grow bold and licentious, and full of wickedness, be the governors otherwise never so godly; but by their mutual care, this duty may be easy to both, and much peace will follow in the house.

 

 Lastly, they must join in admonishing, encouraging, reproving, and, if need be, correcting their inferiors. Both must discountenance those that carry themselves ill, and both must commend them of good behavior, that so they may both maintain each other's authority to the full. If one think fit, by some little kindness, to encourage any in the family, the other must not grudge; if the one will reprove, the other must not defend;' if he will correct the children, she must not grow angry and save them; neither must he save them out of her hands, when she seeth cause to give chastisement. Suppose that either of them exceed in this way, in correcting either without cause or above measure, the other must not make a brawl of it before the face of the inferiors; but they must quietly debate the matter each with the other alone, and keep their disagreements of this kind from appearing in the family. For if he do, and she undo, or if she chide, and he defend, (besides the heartburnings which will grow between themselves,) they shall also so lessen each other's power in the family, that both at last shall grow into contempt. They must therefore so join hands in these works, that their dissension may not blast the fruit of all their endeavors. It is harmful to nourish as it were a domestic faction in this little common-wealth. What one likes or dislikes, let the other (at least by silence for the present) seem also to like or dislike, and let them never disagree, in admonishing, or correcting, or commending; so shall their discreet concord preserve their authority among their people, increase their love of each other, and procure amendment in their inferiors.-And so much be spoken of the joint duties of husband and wife, both towards themselves and towards their families, both for maintenance and for government. We come now to speak of such duties as are peculiar to either of them, wherein we will first inform the husband,, and afterwards the wife.

 

CHAP. 8: Of a Man's keeping his Authority.

 

 THE husband's special duties are referred to two heads; he must govern his wife, and maintain her; and as our LORD JESUS is to his church, so must he be to his wife, an Head and Savior. As for Government, two things also are required of him; one, that he keep his Authority; the other, that he use it.-First then, every man is bound to maintain himself in that place in which his Maker has set him, and to hold fast that reverence and precedency which both GOD and nature have assigned to him. Nature has framed the lineaments of his body to superiority, and set the print of government in his very face, which is more stern and less delicate than the woman's; and he must not suffer this order of nature to be inverted. The LORD, in his Word, has entitled him the Head; where-fore he must not stand lower than the shoulders; if he do, doubtless it makes. a great deformity in the family. And without question it is a sin for a man to come lower than GOD has set him. It is not humility, but baseness, to be ruled by her, whom he should rule. No general would thank a captain for surrendering his place to some common soldier, nor will GOD an husband, for suffering his wife to bear the sway. It is dishonorable to the prince, if subordinate officers yield the honor of their places to meaner subjects; and the contempt redounds upon GOD, which a man is willing to take upon himself, by making his wife his master. GOD'S authority invested in his person he must not permit to be trodden down and despised: for this St. PAUL has given us a rule, saying, " Let every man abide in the place wherein he is called." It must be understood as well of the place for order and government, as for condition of life. But here perhaps some weak-spirited man may say, The thing is reasonable, if a man could do it; but experience shows, it is sooner said than done: For himself, he has met with a virago, that will be governor, or will overturn all; and against such a forward and sturdy-spirited dame, who can preserve his authority

 

 To such an objector I answer, That most men cast the blame of losing their authority upon their wives, when in truth it is wholly due unto themselves; for it is not extorted from them by the wife's violence, but cast away by their own indiscretion. It is not indeed in any man's power, to restrain a violent woman from assailing his authority, but it is, from winning it. Whether she shall break forth into contempt, he cannot choose; but whether he will prostitute himself unto contempt, that he may and must choose. Many a city is fiercely assaulted, and not taken. Many a woman strives to break the yoke, but is not able. So long as the husband's behavior is such, that the wife's soul (after that she has recovered herself out of the drunkenness of passion) is forced to blame her own rebelliousness, and in her conscience to acknowledge him worthy the better place, so long has he duly pre-served his authority against all her rude and disloyal resistance Know ye, therefore, all ye husbands, that the way to maintain authority is, not to use violence, but skill. Not by main force must an husband hold his own right against his wife's undutifulness, but by a more mild, gentle, and wise proceeding. We wish not any man to use big looks, great words, and a fierce behavior, but we advise you to a more easy and certain course. Let the husband endeavor to gain all commendable virtues, and to exceed his wife as much in goodness as he Both in place. Let his wife see in him such humility, such godliness, such wisdom, as may cause her heart to confess, that there is in him something that deserveth to be stooped to. Let him walk uprightly, Christianly, soberly, religiously, in his family, and give a good example to all in the household; then shall the wife willingly give him the better place, when she cannot but see him to be the better person. No inferior can avoid stooping in his soul to that superior, in whom grace and GOD's image do appear according to his place. A virtuous man shall be regarded in the conscience of the worst woman, yea, in the behavior also of any that is not monstrous. It is no burden to any to yield themselves to such an one as is apparently better than themselves. It is true, that (in a mad fit) the wife of the best husband may be undutiful; but when she is returned to herself, she shall condemn herself, and justify him; and so, instead of losing his authority, he recovers his own with advantage. Be you therefore all assured, that you shall find virtuous carriage the best preservative of esteem. Take pains then to make thyself good, for that is the most compendious way to make thyself reverenced.

 

 But as, in general, we prescribe a good conversation as the best preserver of a man's authority in the family, so especially must all husbands be counselled to shun evils which make every man to seem vile in the eyes of those that see him so disordered. The first of these is Bitterness, as the Apostle PAUL terms it, in giving all husbands warning of it, saying, " Be not bitter to your wives." Sharp, tart carriage, consisting of reviling, striking, and other furious words and gestures, he fitly calls bitterness, because it is as offensive to the mind, as gall and wormwood to the palate. This bitterness shows folly, and works hatred, and therefore must needs be a great underminer of authority. " They will hate whom they fear," says one well, of a tyrant. A tyrannical husband, as well as a tyrannical prince, shall thrust himself besides his place. Such demeanor betrayeth great impotency of affection, and want of wisdom, whence will ensue want of reverence.

 

 Secondly, he that would retain the pre-eminence of his place, must avoid Unthriftiness, another great enemy to reverence. Drunkenness, gaming, ill company, are the three parts, as I may call them, of unthriftiness; the first drowneth wit, the second consumeth wealth, the third eats out the heart of all good conditions: and he that has neither wit in his head, nor money in his purse, nor good qualities in his person, how can he he but loathed and despised. Wherefore away with drinking, gaming and following ill companions, if you wouldst not be cast at once out of the hearts of all thy family, and all thy neighbors, and of thy wife also, both for love and reverence.

 

 Thirdly, Lightness must be avoided by husbands; foolish, childish tricks, that have no impression of gravity or discretion upon them, but savour of a kind of boyishness. Such contemptible things must needs expose a man to contempt. If the husband put a fool's coat upon his back, can he blame his wife though she laugh at him The bitter man is like a frantic head, very troublesome; the unthrifty man as a scald head, very offensive; the light man, the jester, like a giddy head, very ridiculous. Such men will soon displace themselves, though no man strive to undermine them. But let every godly man cast from him all these base evils, and strive for holiness and gravity of conversation, that he may be indeed a governor, and that his superiority, supported by such pillars, may stand upright and unshaken.