HER SETTLEMENT IN YORKSHIRE

My health began to fail. I had for three years had much fatigue in nursing my dear friend; and some crosses which now flowed in apace greatly affected me. I grew large, and had dropsical symptoms. My soul was at this season in a low and cold state. My path was strewed with many perplexities; and I was at a loss how or where to settle. Trade I much feared; and yet I did not see how I could do without it. My family consisted of thirty persons, of whom some were rather unruly. I saw the need of taking the reins into my own hands, and supplying the place of my friend Ryan. But this determination was very difficult to execute; and I daily and hourly felt my insufficiency. While she was alive, I considered her as a mother, and, like the other young women, desired her to allot me my rules and employments; or at least to assist me in the choice of them. These were,First, An attention to the spiritual affairs of the family. Secondly, Taking care for their sustenance, Thirdly, Instructing the children. Fourthly, Meeting each member of the family, one by one, at fixed times. Fifthly, Superintending, by turns, the more public meetings of the society. Sixthly, Attending my friend in her frequent illnesses; with the direction and management of the sick. But the care of the kitchen, buying in the stores, managing the needlework, with many other articles of direct housekeeping, I was quite unaccustomed to. While I lived in my father’s house I saw very little of domestic affairs, because we lived rather high; so that I was quite a stranger to that kind of management needful for a great family, who had but little to live on. Besides, the manner of life here was entirely different from what I had been used to about London. Here wheat was to be bought to make flour; bread to be made; cows to be managed; men servants to be directed; with a variety of particulars in housekeeping quite new to me. Had my friend been spared, all this would have been a pleasure; but now my spirits were so depressed, every thing appeared a burden :and when I had provided as well as I could, some persons in my family would despisingly say my victuals were not worth eating; and that I knew not how to order any thing. I had frequent letters from distant parts, some pitying, some upbraiding me; and informing me, at the same time, the stories which we hear carried about concerning you, come all from the members of your family. O! said I, I have not abode in my Saviour as I ought; I have gone down to Egypt for help, and therefore is all this come upon me: otherwise, I should still inherit that word, applied to me with power in the first gathering of my household, Thou art my hope and my fortress, my castle and deliverer, my defender in whom I have trusted; who subdueth the people that are under me. I mentioned before, that we had met with a large house, in part furnished, which was of great service, as my own furniture was not yet arrived. There was land to it, and though dear, I saw it a providence, and an asylum till we could fix better. In the ordering of the outdoor affairs, Mr. Taylor was very useful to me, and indeed had not he and his wife been with me, I do not think I should ever have got through some difficulties which I had to encounter. One day he brought me word of a farm very cheap, with a freehold estate adjoining thereto, on which were malt kilns, a small house, and many outbuildings. The farm was large; and he thought, if beside the farm house, we were to build one big enough for our family, it would be cheaper than to rent a house. I was very averse to the undertaking; but there was no time to lose, as many were seeking after it. I went to Leeds, to consult the most judicious of my friends, in particular Mr. R., a man well acquainted with business, and the most intimate friend I had in Yorkshire. He answered, You may look on this, as Isaac did when he found a well, for which they did not strive. He said, The Lord hath made room for us in the land. So, added he, may you say ; for had you waited a dozen years, you might not have met with such an opportunity. I objected that I did not understand it, and that perhaps it would sink, instead of increasing my income. He replied, Richard Taylor knows well how to manage it, if you do not; and I have no doubt that it will clear you a hundred and fifty pounds a year, which will be good interest for your money. I now remembered the reflection cast on me at Laytonstone, viz., If she wants to do good with her fortune, let her take up a little trade. She talks of the poverty of Jesus; let us see her work at a trade as he did. That thought had much weight with me. I prayed for light, and took the place; bought the estate, formed the plan for the house, and set about it. The first mark of the favour of God was, we had some of our work people converted, so that before half the house was built we had a good class. The desire after purity of heart was much revived among the neighbouring societies; and I found in many ways there was a wider field opened for doing good than I had ever before experienced. I had some among the members of my family also, who were very helpful in the work of God. By settling on a new plan, I found it more easy to draw things into my own hand. I removed some, and put others into their proper place.

The building I found no cheaper than in the south, or but little so : it cost a good deal more than at first proposed. The farm took a great deal to stock, and bring into order; and as most of my capital lay in an estate, (or in that sum my dear father on his deathbed so lamented that he had tied up from me,) I had not sufficient for all the expenses, with the purchase of the freehold; and was obliged to take up money on interest, which I hoped to pay off at fifty pounds per year. The malt kilns seemed to answer well, and cleared the first year fifty pounds above all expenses.

Our call was a good deal abroad in the work of God, and we had encouragement therein. A few (and at that time but a few) in that part had a desire after holiness. Some years before this, sister Crosby had spent a little time in Yorkshire. She told them what a wonderful work of sanctification God was carrying on in London. Many were affected with her words, and two or three in this place retained the light and power then given to them. These we agreed to meet once a fortnight ; and unite our cry to the Lord, that he would pour out a spirit of conviction on his people, and that the neighbouring societies might be stirred up to seek for purity of heart. We bad not met many times before the answer came; one and another begged to join in our Wednesday night meetings, and our number increased to about fifty, all of whom were ardently desiring, or sweetly brought into that liberty. When we grew too numerous, (for they began to come from many miles around,) I advised those who were able, to gather a meeting of the same kind, near their own homes. This was attended with many blessings. We sometimes visited those infant meetings, and they increased and spread as well as ours. It must be observed, none were admitted as members into our meeting, but those who were truly awakened to seek for holiness, as before they had been to seek for pardon. Others, if we judged them sincere, were sometimes occasionally admitted: but we were very careful whom we considered as fixed members. Of these I had a separate list; and about once a quarter met them apart from the others. I felt myself led to enforce on them some particular observations, which they frequently asked me to set down on paper. I did, therefore, set them down as follows :

As you have expressed a desire that I would give you on paper the few observations I have sometimes made on Wednesday nights, I will endeavour so to do, as far as I can recollect. And if my dear Lord is pleased to help you through so weak an instrument, he shall have the more abundant praise.

   First, I would recommend you to be very careful whom you admit into your meeting. Consider no one as member thereof who is not steadily seeking after Christian perfection; that is, a heart simplified by love Divine, and kept each moment, by faith, from the pollution of sin. Whosoever agrees not with you on this point, will greatly interrupt your design.

   Secondly, See that you fix on your minds,We come together to get our faith increased; and expect as much that our souls should be refreshed by our meeting, as we do our bodies to be refreshed by our food. Come with a lively expectation; and that your expectation may not be cut off, keep your spirit all the time in continual prayer; united prayer can never go unanswered. Mr. Fletcher, on this head, has a lively observation: When many believing hearts, says he, are lifted up, and wrestle in prayer together, we may compare them to many hands which work a large pump; at such times particularly the fountains of the great deep are broken up, the windows of heaven are opened, and rivers of living water flow from the hearts of obedient believers.

   Thirdly, Bear with each other’s mistakes or infirmities in love. Consider the members as if they were your own children. How much will a man bear with in his own son that serveth him A threefold cord cannot be easily broken. Satan will leave no stone unturned to disunite you;but O, remember the characteristic of the evangelical dispensation is,

The love that turns the other cheek; -

The love inviolably meek,

Which bears, but conquers all.

Fourthly, Be well aware of that deadly poison, so frequent among professors,I mean evil speaking. It will cover itself under a thousand forms; and, alas! how many sincere hearts swallow this gilded bait before they know what they are about. Never repeat the fault of an absent person, unless it be absolutely needful. In particular, speak not evil of dignities; neither of our king, on whose account we have the greatest reason to be thankful; nor yet of any in authority under him. Neither those whom God hath set over us as spiritual teachers. If any of these do not speak just as we could have wished, never forget that one may have his gift after this manner, another after that. The exhortation not so immediately useful to your state may nevertheless be put into their mouth at that time for another person then present. Known unto God are all his ways; and as he hath said, A cup of cold water given to a prophet, shall not be forgotten, how pleasing will it be in his sight, if by faith and prayer we hold up the hands of his praying servants.

Fifthly, Hold fast the truth in a pure conscience. Let not one spark of your light be put out. Though all your teachers, brethren, friends, yea, the whole Church, were to turn against the truth, let nothing make you forget, The blood of -Jesus cleanseth from all sin; and that he keeps that soul for ever clean, who day and night hangs on him by simple faith.   

Sixthly, Be always ready to give an account to those that ask you a reason of the hope that is in you. In order to this, let us pray for clear ideas of what we seek, and what we possess. Bear in mind, that to perfect holiness in the fear of the Lord, is no more than you have already promised: First, By your sponsors in baptism; secondly, In your own person, when you made those vows your own by confirmation; and, thirdly, Whenever you renew that covenant by coming to the Lord’s table. You have engaged to renounce the devil and all his works, the pomps and vanities of this wicked world, and all -the sinful lusts of the flesh; to believe all the articles of the Christian faith; to keep God’s holy will and commandments, and to walk in the same all the days of your life. And is not this vowing to perfect holiness in the fear of God Does the first part of this sacred engagement, To renounce the devil and all his works, leave any room for the least agreement with the devil, the world, or the flesh Does the second, To believe all the articles of the Christian faith, make the least allowance for one doubt with respect to any one article of the Christian faith Or, does the third allow the wilful breach of any one of God’s commandments Again, Do we not all profess to believe it to be our duty to love God with all our heart, and our neighbour as ourselves Weigh the depth of those two expressions. Do they not imply love made perfect, or, in other words, Christian perfection

Seventhly, Remember that saying of Solomon, The wise man’s eyes are in his head. Let

your eye of faith be steadily fixed on your living Head, deeply conscious of that word,

                                    Having done all, by faith I stand,

                                    And give the praise, O Lord, to thee!

            A holy man makes this observation: Persevering believers are little omnipotents Abide then every moment in the living vine, from whom you constantly draw your life, as the coal its heat from the fire; it was all black, cold, and filthy, before it was impregnated with the fire that kindled it; but if by any accident it fall therefrom, the shining perfection which it had acquired, gradually wears away, and it becomes a filthy cinder, the black emblem of an apostate. So true is that saying of our Lord, Without me ye can do nothing.

Eighthly, Consider yourselves as united by a holy covenant to God and to each other; aiming to advance the glory of God all you possibly can.

Ye for Christ your Master stand

  Lights in a benighted land.

Beware then that your light become not darkness ; let no one be discouraged from seeking Christian holiness by any thing they see is your life and conversation. We must become a whole burned sacrifice. The soldier enlisted under the banner of his king, may neither leave his post, nor choose his employment. We have covenanted to be the Lord’s; and may not draw back one power, no. nor one thought, from his service. Be it then engraven on our hearts, as with a diamond pen, Thy vows, O God, are upon me; I have opened my mouth unto the Lord, and cannot go back.

             Glory be to God, it might be said of Cross Hall, (the name of our present habitation,) many a soul has been born in her, and many sweet seasons did we know with the Lord ; and I do at this day declare I shall ever adore the wisdom of God in bringing me down to settle in Yorkshire. It was good for the work of God. It was good for my own soul ;* but for a season it did not appear good for my temporal affairs. I had not been seven years there, before I saw myself brought into great perplexity, from circumstances 1 shall by and by relate. But whatever occurred, I must ever praise the Lord, that his providence brought me there. I had a continual presentiment my troubles were for an appointed time; and that in the end deliverance would be given from every difficulty.

I found my mind much united to brother and sister Taylor.  I strove to remove their burdens, and went in person to their creditors. After meeting with some opposition, I got their affairs settled, at the expense of between two and three hundred pounds.

After the death of sister Ryan, my soul had many risings and sinkings. Sometimes I seemed to lose my way, and knew not where or what I was. For about two years, I sunk into fear, care, self-indulgence, and many wanderings. Yet my aim was toward the Lord, who, after that season, began again to renew in me a tender conscience, and as my outward sorrows increased, so my inward light and power began to revive. It was soon after that time that we began the meeting above mentioned, as near as I can remember, though I have not set

* Nothing could prevent such a devoted person from bearing fruit unto God. In answer to the prayer of faith, He opens rivers in the high places, and s-reams in the desert. Mr. Wesley, speaking of her settlement in Yorkshire, observes, (see his Works, vol.    iv,) Saturday, July 7th, 1770, I rode to Miss Bosanquet’s. Her family is still a pattern, and a general blessing to the country.Ed.

         down the exact date thereof; by my diary it appears to be about a year after my soul began again to walk by faith. These meetings were to me a singular blessing. They cost me -many a wrestling prayer, and when, the nights approached when we were to meet, O the sinking into nothing before God my spirit used to feel! Of all the meetings I ever was employed in while in Yorkshire, I know not I ever felt my soul so conscious of the Lord’s approval as in these. I must acknowledge it occasioned both expense and labour. Frequently I had many beds to make up, and many friends and their horses to entertain. But I saw it such an honour to be (as I sometimes expressed it) the Lord’s innkeeper, that I could feel nothing but satisfaction therein. Those words were often applied with great sweetness, The birds of the air shall rest under thy branches.

            I now found a fresh conviction of the necessity of Divine help, that I might go in and out before my family, in such a manner as would lead them into the most excellent way; and when any thing particular rested on my mind, I usually set it down in the way of diary. On looking over old papers, I find the following remarks; but am not quite clear as to the dates :

            This day I have been solemnly renewing my covenant with the Lord, and considering over our family rules, fasts, and meetings. I have been praying for fresh vigour and resolution in the use thereof; and while reading this morning the vision of Samuel concerning Eli, I was led to inquire how far it was my own case. Lord, thou hast made me the head of this family. Do I bear the sword in vain Show me, Lord, what I can do to help them, considered one by one, and how I may help to put away, in each, whatever would offend. The thoughts which flowed into my mind were as follows :

            First, Love is the end of the commandment. If I would wish to be such a head as God approves, I must have no spring of action but love. Yet when we have many tempers to suit ourselves to, all their burdens to bear, and their every want to supply, (even in narrow circumstances,) nature is apt to grow weary. It is very easy to give our neighbour what we can spare, but to pinch ourselves, and even to run the risk of debts and distress for their sakes, makes the work far more hard. How then shall I get and keep that spirit of love to each which is needful for my fulfilling toward them the place of a mother or, in some sense, to be a pillar in God’s house, who is appointed to bear the weight of the whole building

I will call over each member in my mind with solemn prayer, and search out every perfection of every kind ; every trace of the image of God which I can discern in each, and enter them on paper; adding thereto every fresh discoveryand then to each name affix a plan, denoting what is, the best method of helping that person’s infirmities, and strengthening their virtues. If I do not thus study the tempers and dispositions of my family, how unlike will my carriage be to that of my heavenly Father toward me. I am also much convinced of the necessity of being exact in early rising, both for the good of my own soul, and that of my family; and as I am now better, I trust to be able to execute my purpose. I shall also meet the family at stated times, for an hour, in order to inquire if brotherly love continues. And to remove all hinderances thereto, I will at these times observe,

My design in having a family is to bring honour to God. If that end be not answered, I am disappointed, and the Spirit of God is grieved with those who hinder it.

But in order to this, it is needful to be aware of Satan’s devices, who will be always endeavouring to throw in something to wound love; and among a large family, where there is a mu1tiplicity of business, perplexities will arise, which sometimes have a tendency to break, or at least to interrupt, that sweet harmony of love, by which the Church below is rendered a shadow of that above.

To prevent this must be my constant labour. I believe you all love me; and I am, my - heavenly Father knows, united to every one of you. But that will not do, unless you are united among yourselves. I would therefore inquire of each, one by one:-

First, Do you find want of love to any one here If you answer yes, give your reason, and it shall be searched to the bottom, though it be in myself. -

Secondly, Is there any conduct of any member which you think might be mended

             Thirdly, We are to live only to and for God. You all can bear me witness, what we save is saved for the poor, and the work of God. Now, can any of you point out wherein we can save more This is to be done in little things: for instance, suppose twenty of you had each a candle to use, and each person were to run it into the fire, and waste a tenth part of the whole, that would be two candles lost per night. If each fire (we will say ten) burn one pennyworth of coals per day more than is needful, there are five shillings and tenpence per week lost; enough to make two poor people, who love and serve the Lord, comfortable. The same may be said of every thing we eat, drink, wear, or make use of. Savingness gives a constant and profitable use of the cross; as well as administers, by those small acts of self-denial, to the necessities of our brethren. If we are thirty in family, besides many strangerssuppose every one by frugality to save (every thing being put together) but two pence per day, what a large sum will that make in the whole yearnearly a hundred pounds !and how many of the saints of God may be fed and clothed therewith!

                        Fourthly, Time is a most invaluable talent; and there is scarcely an hour but we may save some minutes, by doing every thing as to the Lord, that is, in the best manner we are able. It is a true saying, a thing once well done is twice done. For instance, if you sew a seam carelessly, it will soon want doing over again. If you clean any thing by halves, it will want a repetition almost directly. If linen is badly got up, and not of a good colour, it will not wear half the time. Consequently, the next wash will be larger, will require more time, more soap, more fire, &c. If you teach the children by halves, they will need so many more lessons, and be so much the longer before they are useful at home, or fit to go out; so that the desire of saving time calls for the most diligent application in every thing. But in order truly to buy up this precious talent, there is a necessity of walking as in the constant presence of God. By that recollection, we shall cut off useless words and thoughts, which are the canker worms that eat up our time.

                        Fifthly, The power of speech is a great talent. It is an instrument of much good, or much evil. The tongue is a little member, yet how much good or evil is it capable of kindling! A little spark may be the beginning of a flame powerful enough to destroy a whole city; and one wrong word may draw on another, until the tongue, ‘which is a world of iniquity, may set on fire all the members, being itself set on fire of hell.’ On the other hand, in a large family, how useful may that member be! While it possesses the honour of being God’s advocate, and watches every moment for an opportunity to call in the minds of those around you to a closer attention to God. The right use of the tongue is of the utmost consequence, (especially in a religious community,) and worthy our strictest and most earnest endeavours; since the apostle says, ‘He that offendeth not in word, the same is a perfect man, and able also to bridle the whole body.’

The next Friday, after this family meeting, I proposed as a fastat twelve we were to meet for one hour, chiefly for earnest prayer. At these seasons I frequently found much of the presence and approval of God, and I believe they were blessed to many of the family.

   To return to my outward situation. When I had been a few years in Cross Hall, I had many trials of faith and patience. Sometimes I was all fears; and at others, I had a lively confidence in that word, Stand to my will, and thou shalt suffer no detriment, which was applied to me just before the period of sister Ryan’s death.

         Various circumstances now agitated my mind; and frequently with groans and tears

         have I said before the Lord, O that I could meet with a friend as divinely enlightened, and as faithful as the one I have lost! It would be worth going over red hot bars of iron to procure.  But though I knew some of the excellent of the earth, yea, and had some of them under my own roof, yet friendship is so immediately the gift of God, we cannot form it when we will. There must be a similitude of mind, a something which God alone can give, and which he at this time was pleased to withhold from me, perhaps that I might learn to depend on himself alone. The point in which I was peculiarly sensible of the loss of my friend, was in the character of a counsellor.  I wanted to know and do the will of God. I feared I was wrong in my present situation, because things did not answer; and yet I did not know which way to mend them. But I have always found the best way is to stand still; for I have learned by experience, that when we have no light how to get out of our troubles, and no way seems to open, the present duty is resignation. We have only to follow Providence from day to day, making it our one business to persevere in a constant sense of the presence of God, and to lie before his feet as poor beggars, waiting for his direction.

                  Some time before this a circumstance happened, which though to appearance trifling, proved in the end very material. A gentleman, who about two years before lost a wife he tenderly loved, on hearing of me, and the close union which had subsisted between me and Mrs. Ryan, permitted a thought to dwell on his mindthat perhaps I was brought to Yorkshire by the providence of God to repair his loss.       

                  One day, as I was returning from a little journey where I had been to meet some people, we called at an inn to bait the horse. Mr. * * * was standing at a window of that inn. I came out, and stood some time at the block waiting for my horse. A thought struck his mind, I should like that woman for a wife ; but instantly he corrected it with that reflection, I know not whether she be a converted or an unconverted person; a married or a single woman. Just then Mr. Taylor came up with the horse. The gentleman knew him, and coming out to speak to him, was much struck to find it was I. But as there was not any thing striking to me in the occurrence, I had quite forgotten it, till he recalled it to my remembrance some years after.

                  As I was very free in making known my fears, lest my new undertaking should not answer, some friends have often said to me, Why do not you consult Mr. * * * He is the only man for business in the country; and having heard of your situation, he wishes to give Mr. Taylor some advice. Not long after a friend brought him to our house. I did not know at that time whether he were married or single. We soon fell into conversation about the farm. He gave me some directions, and interested himself much in my affairs. I frequently applied to him in difficult occurrences, and he became, in the common acceptation of the word, a familiar friend.

                  My perplexities now increased. The farm had sunk a very large sum to bring it into order, and the kilns took much money to work them, a great deal of which lay scattered up and down in debts owing to me from lesser maltsters. I applied not only to Mr. * * *, but to some other sensible men. They looked over all, and said I was too much afraid : in a year or two things would turn round. That I had a farm to make; but it was now in such order, it would soon pay all again. This gave me some satisfaction, but did not on the whole remove my fears. I also saw Mr. Taylor went too far; that he was inclined to venture much; that he kept too many men; and gave a great deal too much credit.

                                 This answered Mr. * * *’s design. By these things he was inclined to think God was constraining me to accept the offer, which by this time he had made me, of his hand, his heart, and his purse. His affections were strong, sincere, and constant; his offers generous, and his sentiments tender. He loved my family; and whoever was kind to me, found favour in his eyes. This could not but operate on my gratitude. I was deeply pained. But I could not see him the man my highest reason chose to obey. First, I did not so honour the light he had in religion, as to believe it my privilege to be led thereby. Secondly, Though he was a good man, and helpful to people in every respect, yet he did not see the narrow path of walking close with God, as I could wish the man I took for a husband to do. Thirdly, Though I had a grateful love toward him, I could not find that satisfying affection which flows from perfect confidence; and which is the very spirit and soul of marriage. I felt, however, in the keenest manner the need I had of his assistance in my affairs; but I thought it ungenerous to the last degree to accept of help and counsel from one whose growing affection I was too sensible of but to which, however, I could make no return. I used the plainest terms in assuring him of the impossibility of our affection ever becoming reciprocal; and proposed the breaking off all acquaintance. He alleged in answer, You cannot do without me. You will be ruined ;God bath made me your helper; and if you cannot see and feel as I do, we will be only common friends. I will say no more on a subject so disagreeable to you.

I lessened my family all I could, by putting out some of the bigger children to trades, or servants’ places; but much expense attended it. Mr. Taylor also had several children while with me, so that the family still consisted of twenty-five persons. The majority, however, were grown persons. But losses still continually came on; and my first seven years in Yorkshire being nearly expired, I found an absolute need of some change, since in all this time things grew not better, but worse.

I consulted Mr. * * * and other friends about my situation, but most were for some farther exertion in trade. That I knew would not do. Others said, Turn off all those members of your family, and you have enough to live on alone, with a servant or two. No way, however, opened for them, and several were old, sickly, or helpless. I could not therefore see how that could be done; and if ever I thought on it, mountains of difficulty arose before me. Something seemed to whisper, a way shall be made quite plain; yet I saw it my duty to do every thing in my power. I therefore consulted Mr. * * * who knew my whole affairs as no other person did. He said, There is but one way for you; put the farm into Mr. Taylor’s hand, entirely separate from yourself. Let him have the stock just as it is, and work the kilns as he can raise money. Let him pay you sixty pounds per year, and take his family to the end of the house. I verily believe he will live well, and lay up money; and I will overlook all, and appraise every thing once a year. I did so. Mr. * * * took great pains, and Richard Taylor paid regularly. But as he was to have it free of debt, I found a good deal to pay which he had not brought to account; so that before all was settled, I had money again to take up on interest, which was no small affliction to me; and could I have sold the place, I would have chosen it rather.

We went on tolerably for three years. Mr. * * * thought the farm increased in heart. The stock also improved, and all was cheerful, except in my mind, which foreboded deeper waters. This was soon realized. In the beginning of the fourth year Taylor was in debt to the amount of six hundred pounds. This was what I all along feared; but I thought, I am not obliged to pay his debt; let him break, and bear his own burden. Mr. * * * at first thought the same; but soon we saw, either I must give up the stock, (which would be sold for half its value,) or pay the money. Besides, I was now informed that when he ceased to act as my agent, I ought to have advertised it, that no one might trust him through confidence in me. But this (being unused to business) I did not know.

         I deeply felt for the appearance it would have to my relations. I had before, with their knowledge, taken up money on the Laytonstone estate, and my brothers were very kind, and ordered all my affairs in the south to the best advantage. I did not therefore see it just or prudent to hide any thing from them. I wrote to my eldest brother a full account of the whole; but could not see, at that time, how I could pay; nor was I quite clear it was required of me. Taylor’s wife, now big with child, wringing her hands, entreated me, in mercy to her, not to let her husband go to prison; and indeed she was clear of blame, for all along she had been afflicted with the fear of what was now come upon them. I knew not what to do: above all, the honour of religion was dear to me; and it was too evident, without an appearance of dishonesty, I could not take back the stock, though really my own, and leave the debts unpaid. Besides, many of the persons were poor, and would be greatly hurt by the loss. We had also at this time a lively work; for whatsoever else did not prosper by going into Yorkshire, the work of God did. Being at length determined on the payment, the next difficulty was, where to raise the money. I had now taken back all my affairs out of Taylor’s hands, but was incapable of managing the business myself, nor could I get the place disposed of. Mr. * * * then offered to lend me the six hundred pounds on interest, and to become a partner with me in the farm and kilns, so as to take the management of all. Here I was quite at a loss. I was almost ready to say, Darkness bath covered my path. Prudence, delicacy, every lively sentiment, started back at the thought. What! come under such an obligation to the man I am constantly refusing!  Besides, such a fresh connection will open the door to many trials. But there was no alternative; I must accept his help or be ruined. I therefore followed what appeared to be the leadings of Providence. A little before this, I had a drawing in my mind to go for six months to Bath, Bristol, and the parts adjacent, believing it to be the order of God; and I was not sorry for an excuse to get two hundred miles from poor Mr. * * *.

One night, conversing with a friend on the difficulties of my situation, he said, I cannot approve of your proceedings; I fear you fight against Providence. Here are several doors open before you. If you object to Mr. * * *, why do not you accept of some other of those good men, whom the Lord seems to have cast in your way You stand stiffly in the choice of a single life, and it seems to me, God fights against you in so doing. The end will be ruin. You will be brought to a prison, and all the reproach will be cast on religion. If you build on the former promise I have heard you mention, That the Almighty shall be your defence, and you. shall have plenty of silver, I account you no better than an enthusiast. Have you not waited long enough You hoped for deliverance at the end of the first seven years; but four are elapsed since, and if you wait till the end of the next seven, you will be no nearer. Though his words did not convince my judgment, they pained my heart. Nothing was to me more dreadful than the thought of getting out of God’s order. I carried my case to the Lord, and striving to divest my soul of every prejudice, I offered up myself to God, that he might accomplish all his will upon me, pleading before him, Show me thy way, and I will walk in it. But the more I prayed, the clearer the light seemed to shine on my present path; and the only answer I could obtain was, Stand still and see my salvation.

    Being one day at prayer about my situation, I thought, perhaps I shall sink lower still. Though Mr. * * * believes he shall make much of the business, he may be mistaken; and should I lose more than my estate at Laytonstone and this place also will pay, then I shall have debts I can, not answer; and while there is but a bare possibility of that, shall I eat and drink - as if it was my own Ah! no; let me rather live on bread and water. I have no right, except merely to sustain life, till I receive from God some answer, or see, by sound reason, that all will be paid. I began to do so that very day ! But the following night I had a most particular time before the Lord! He showed me (by a light on my understanding) that all my trials were appointed by himself; that they were laid on by weight and measure, and should go no farther than they would work for my good. He pointed me to the time at Hoxton, causing me to remember how simply I had walked by faith, and showing me my sin in having drawn back from that close communion. That although I did, in a measure, still walk with God, yet I could not say, as then, I live not, but Christ liveth in me.* I had depended on creatures for help, and therefore he had let me feel the weight of my burdens, that I might be constrained to cast them afresh on him; and that when he had proved and tried me, he would deliver me from all my outward burdens. As a pledge of the inward liberty he would afterward bring me into, and that the ways and means of my deliverance were in his own hands, and should appear in the appointed time, those words were again brought powerfully to my mind: If thou put away iniquity far from thy tabernacleSo shalt thou lift up thy face unto God. Thou shalt decree a thing, and it shall be established unto thee ;and the light shall shine upon thy path. Yea, the Almighty shall be thy defence, and thou shalt have plenty of silver. He showed me that all my perplexities and trials were only the thorn hedge which his love had planted around me, to preserve me from running farther astray. It was a profitable and melting time.

From that hour I began to take my meat again with gladness and singleness of heart. During the above time of prayer, while I was asking light for my immediate duties, it appeared to me best to take Mr. Taylor down with us to Bath; and that from the time I did so, his family would no more be such a burden to me. And truly so it proved. For my sister met me there, and was greatly struck with compassion toward him. She helped him herself, and raised him many friends; so that all the rest of the time the family were under my roof, the children were entirely supported with the help which arose from that journey. I saw much of the order of God while from home; and after six months I returned with thankfulness; though not without

The truth was, I believe, she had not that lively sense of it. She was loaded with cares; but they were all consistent with purity.En.

 

 

that kind of sensation which a scourged child would have in returning to the rod.

      I must here mention a circumstance which, in order of time, occurred some months before. In my deep troubles, especially after the conversation with the friend above mentioned concerning marriage, a thought occurred to my mindPerhaps Mr. Fletcher is to be my deliverer. May not that be the way to bring me out of these encumbrances But I started from the very idea, lest it should be a stratagem of Satan. We had not seen or heard from each other for more than fifteen years. Yet when striving to find out some way, that idea would frequently present itself before me.

      In the month of August, 1777, going into a friend’s house who was just come from the Conference, he said, Do you know that Mr. Fletcher, of Madeley, is dying Indeed I know not but he is dead. If he hold out a little longer, he is to go abroad; but it is a pity, for he will die by the way, being in the last stage of consumption. I heard the account with the utmost calmness. For some days I bore his burden before the Lord; and constantly offered him up to the will of God. A few days after, another of my acquaintance wrote wordMr. Fletcher is very bad; spits blood profusely, and perspires profusely every night. Some have great hope that prayer will raise him up; but, for my part, I believe he is a dying man, as sure as he is now a living one. As I was one day in prayer, offering him up to the Lord, these words passed my mind: The prayer of faith shall save the sick, and the Lord shall raise him up. I said, Lord, I dare not

ask it; I leave it to thy sacred will: thy will be done !

      The following thoughts occurred to my mindIf the Lord should raise him up, and bring him in safety back    to England; and he should propose such a step, could I doubt its being of God, after such an answer to prayer Yet fearing a deception, I cried to the Lord to keep me in his narrow way, whatever I might suffer, and felt an unaccountable liberty to ask the following signs, if it really were of him. 1. That Mr. Fletcher might be raised up. 2. That he might be brought back to England. 3.  That he would write to me on the subject, before he saw me, though we had been so many years asunder, without so much as a message passing on any subject. 4. That he would, in that letter, tell me it had been the object of his thoughts and prayers for some years. It came to my mind farther, that should this occur in the end the year 1781,  it would be a still greater confirmation, as Providence seemed to point to me that season as a time of hope.

We returned from Bath in the beginning of the year 1778. I found crosses and troubles yet awaited me. Mr.* * * was still my partner, and I was enabled to pay him and every creditor the full interest of the money taken up; but not to lessen the capital. Indeed, all along I was able to answer every demand. We continued our trade some time longer; but, at length, Mr. * * * found my fears were better grounded than his hopes. Instead of a hundred pounds to put into my lap (as he expected) each year toward the debt, we found, on the strictest account of every grain of corn, pint of milk, or pound of butter, either sold or used in the family, that the farm did not pay its own way; though he had put many things on a cheaper plan than before. Time interest also swallowed up so great a part of my income, that it was not possible to keep more than half my family with what remained. As to the kilns, I had neither money nor courage to work them. I thought of many expedients. I strove, I worked hard, I prayed; and at length proposed to the members of my family to disperse, and learn some little business, and I would allow each what I could.

Great affliction now sat on every face. Tears were shed in plenty. They allegedTill you can get rid of this place you must live here. If you leave it empty the house will be spoiled, and that will injure the sale; and we know not what to do, nor how to turn. After being twenty years with you, (said one,) how strange will anew situation appear !And I, (said another,) after eighteen years! And after being twelve years together, (said some others,) how hard it is to part! It was a most painful time; and I saw there was no way, but first to sell the place and then disperse.

But now a door seemed to opena gentleman sent me word that he would buy the place, stock, lease, and all together. He was a man both of fortune and of honour, and really wished to help me eat of my difficulties. The price which he offered would bring me through all, and leave me a good income. Now I began to look up, and to form a plan for my future life, how to settle myself, and dispose of each member of my family. I gave an account of every particular, and the bargain was in part made. But, alas! our wisdom is folly !He took a fever, and died in a few days! To add to my difficulties, just at this time my brother wrote me word, that it would be throwing away the Laytonstone estate to sell it with so long a lease upon it; and that it  could not with any propriety be done. I now saw but one wayto advertise Cross Hall, and sell it for what I could; and paying that away as far as it would go, strive yearly to lessen the remaining part of the debt by my income; reserving only fifty pounds per year to live on, and out of it to help my friends. But I recollected, that I might not live long enough thus to pay the debt by my income. I had still a strong confidence in a promise given to me before I went to Bath that no one should lose any thing by me; yet I thought it was required of me to do every thing in my power toward it.

I then proposed to myself to keep only twenty pounds per year. Nay, I thought,

how can I have a right even to twenty Justice is before mercy. They must all shift for themselves, and I will do the same. I may perhaps find some little business by which life may be sustained, till my affairs take a favourable turn. It is true, nobody calls in their money, nor seems to have a fear concerning it; yet it is my duty to take the more care for them, because of their confidence in me. It may be supposed, as I was daily striving to part with the place, and expecting to turn out, that my thoughts were frequently occupied on what way of life I should choose, as most conducive to the glory of God; and during this season, the Lord did teach me many lessons of poverty and resignation. It seemed to me no manner of life could be disagreeable, if I had but a prospect of having no debts. One day, as I was standing at - a window musing on this subject, I saw a poor man driving some asses laden with sand, by which he gained his bread. -As I looked on him, a spring of satisfaction ran through my mind, and I thoughtI am perfectly willing to take up the business of that man. If I preserve unsold one of the freehold cottages, the asses might graze on the common, and I could follow them with something to sell. There were but few trades which my conscience would suffer me to follow ; and my abilities were equal to still fever. But to any thing in the whole world would I turn, that was not sinful, rather than remain in debt. I do not mean that I decided to act thus; but so conformed was my mind to poverty at this time, that the thought of even that employment, as it now glanced through it, gave me real pleasure. However open I had been with my relations concerning my affairs hitherto, I determined to conceal all personal wants; for if I voluntarily gave up my income for the payment of my debts, I did not see it to be just to live on theirs; and this would not have been difficult, as I had no relation that lived within two hundred miles.

Sometimes it appeared to me quite clear, that Mr. Fletcher was the friend God would raise up for me. He was now much recovered, and about to return to England. However, I feared to lay any stress on that; but while thinking on it, I received a letter from a friend, informing me that Mr. Fletcher had settled abroad, and proposed to see England no more. This was a false report; he never had such a thought: but as it came from an intimate friend, I had reason to believe it. Thus was I cut off from the prospect of any human help! but I kept to my old word, My soul, wait thou upon God: from him cometh my salvation.

My heart was much oppressed. I had not advertised the place, because some advised me not, saying it was the way rather to hurt the sale; nor did any one so much as inquire after it, though my mind was well known. I could now only stand still, for I knew not which way to go. During this suspense, conversing one day with my friend, Mr. * * *, he said, Indeed I am at a loss what to do for you. I thought to have helped you greatly by the continuance of the farm; but, alas! I wish I had suffered you to advertise and sell it for any thing six years ago; and you then could have done it. It is now too late. The nation is engaged in wars: you would now sell it for a trifle. I consulted some friends the other day, who all agreed that, separate from the stock, you must not expect above six hundred pounds for the whole place. You are ruined, madam! You withstand the order of God. My fortune is enough for you and me. But you cannot see in my light. May the Lord stand by you! But I cannot think of a partnership any longer; the blame would fall on me!

         It was now the summer of 1781. The seventh of June in that year, I entered into my

fourteenth year in Yorkshire. I had all along an impression, that about that season

something would open. One day, as I was walking up a narrow lane which had a stile at the

top, I saw a flock of sheep before me. The shepherd had hard work to drive them on; they

seemed determined to turn again. I thought, well they may, for there is no gate, no way

through; what can he wish them to do He forced them along, however, with dogs and

sticks. I said in my mind, These sheep are like me, drove on in a narrow path, without any

way to get out. I followed at a distance, expecting every moment they would turn back upon me when all at once they began to run, and I discovered a new made gate in a spacious field of turnips. In a minute they were dispersed, and fell to their full pasture with great delight. Faith whispered to my heartSo shall a door open before you in the appointed time.

           That passage of the psalmist was much impressed on my mind at this time: The rod of the wicked shall not always remain in the lot of the righteous, lest the righteous put forth his hand to iniquity. And frequently those words also came with power, The days shall be shortened; by which I rather thought some change would take place in the beginning of the last year of my two apprenticeships in Yorkshire. And now the seventh of June came; and I was almost constrained to say, Thou hast not delivered thy people at all. There was no appearance of any such thing; all was dark.

All was with sable terror hung.

I have continued the narrative unbroken through this cloudy and dark day. All was conflict respecting the creatures; but the Lord tempered the evil with occasional intimations that

Behind a frowning providence

He hid a smiling face

Mrs. Fletcher was thus kept from growing weary in well doing, and enabled to believe in the faithfulness of Him who knoweth the way of the righteous; and who in every temptation maketh a way for their escape. The pious reader will wish to know her walk with the Lord, during this evil day. An extract from her journal will give a clear view of this; and it will be seen, that although this blessed woman was thus cast down, she was not forsaken; though perplexed, she was not, for a moment, in despair; she still looked, not at the things that are seen, and which are temporal, but at the things which are not seen, and eternal. She felt her weakness; yea, her utter helplessness; yet she was still confident. She stood still to see the salvation of God.ED.

Sunday, December, 1772.My health is yet far from good. My head is much affected, and it is often presented to my mind that I shall have an apoplexy. It is a painful sensation. Sudden death does not appear to me as pleasant. I seem not to have my evidence clear for heaven. Lord, spare me a little, that 1 may recover my strength before I go hence, and am no more seen. My nerves are very - weak, and I feel a lowness which I thinks affects my mind as to spiritual things; but I feel a determination, whether weak or strong, to rise early, and to visit the sick. Lord, give me to make the most of my short time !  and, O Jesus! give me power to keep my mind always fixed on thyself!

January 16, 1773.Waked early, and was going to rise, but unprofitable thoughts crowded into my mind. My distressing situation, as to outward things, seemed an intolerable burden, and I was betrayed into thinking of useless plans and schemes, how to avoid this (as I think) approaching ruin. Alas!’ with all my anxiety and care, I can do nothing. All I strive for seems overturned. O Lord, give me the power to keep every thought stayed on thee! This day I have been a good deal hindered by company from walking by my rules and I see I ought to receive everything that occurs more immediately from the hand of God.

January 17.Being very poorly, and the weather bad, I thought I would spend this day quietly at home, and set apart three hours for solemn examination, and fresh dedication of myself to God; and I found it good so to do. At night I felt much recollection, and had freedom in meeting the people.

          January 21, Friday.For a few days past I have been enabled to keep in mind, That

the cross is my chosen portion. Much taken up today in domestic affairs, in which I found

my mind recollected. A good deal also with the poor and sick, who came for advice. I

seemed to be in my own element. But when in a more public way, I do not seem as much

in my place. Company does not agree with my soul.

   January 25.Rose early, but not having much time for prayer, I was off my guard and

spoke very unkindly to A. T. I have not been with God much to-day; yet I seem to have

had a cry in my heart to him. At night I again gave way to hasty spirit. Alas!  I seem to love

fault, and to oblige others to see in my light, and so justify me. O how unlike that holy simplicity I felt for a little while when at Hoxton!

February 2.Since I wrote last, I trust I have been in a growing frame. I went this

day to A. Had a good time in speaking from those words, 0 Nebuchadnezzar, we are not careful to answer thee in this matter.

February 17.This day, in reading Mr. Fletcher’s Fourth Check, I found my soul much stirred up. O for the close walk with God which he describes!

                        February 28.It was this week laid on my mind to go with Richard Taylor to A. I set out with prayer. When we had rode a few miles, the horse grew very ill. We stopped at a public inn just out of the town. In a few minutes a woman came in, who had observed us ; - she said, Here are two or three of us who are seeking the Lord, just going to meet together at a house hard by, pray will you come in I answered, If you will let a few of the neighbours know, that some strangers are going to have a meeting, we will come in for half an hour. In a short time several were gathered, and we had a comfortable season with them. When the meeting was concluded, R. Taylor said, If any of you who have a larger house, will open the door, we will spend half an hour with you in the morning before we set off. Several offered. The largest house was fixed on, and in the morning we had a good meeting, and much of the presence of God. About ten we set out for the coal pit at R. Here I saw a little of what the Methodist preachers see much, viz., deep poverty, dirt, and cold; but the Lord gave me freedom of speech, and some seemed to have an ear to hear. Lord! let me not be a delicate disciple!

                        July 24.For a long time I have been ill, from the cold I caught at R., and my eyes being bad from riding so many miles in a strong east wind, I have been unfit for writing since. On the 29th of May I set out for Harrowgate, where I was advised to go to drink the waters. We got in on Saturday night. The next day we were afflicted with hearing the Sabbath greatly profaned both in the house and in the street. Under my window were a company of men playing at horseshoe. It seemed a heathen country indeed. We reproved them, and never observed the Sabbath so broke again while we stayed. On Monday I began the waters, and thought, If it does not please the Lord that I should get good for my body, I will strive to get good for my soul. I will give myself up to prayer and reading. I have no opportunity here to act for the souls of others. I had nearness to God; but a great weight rested on my mind. There were no lodgings but at the great inns, and ours was full of ungodly company. They all ate at one table; but this I could not bear; therefore I got a bit in my own room when they had done. However, their talking, swearing, laughing, and music, I was forced to hear all day long. Sometimes a strange impression came on my mind, that I should be called to bear my testimony for God to all the company that were there; but the pain that it brought with it was exquisite.

           After a few days, I was asked to go to Pannel, (about a mile from Harrowgate,) in order to hold a meeting at the house of a poor woman, who had taken the preachers in once or twice; at which I found many had been offended, and threatened much, so that I did not know what sort of treatment I was likely to meet with. Nevertheless I did not dare to refuse. We had a profitable time, and all was quiet. Two days after, I heard that some of the chief opposers were much affected. Glory be to God! While we were holding the meeting, a drunken man came by, and stopped awhile; then went on to the inn where I lodged, and told some of the gentlemen that the lady who lived up stairs was preaching at Pannel. He repeated also some of the words he had heard me speak. When we came home they watched us in, and my maid (who was a pious young woman) going into the kitchen, they flocked about her, asking, in many questions, what her mistress had been doing at Pannel -

The following Sunday the company sent me a message up stairs,- That they unanimously requested I would have such a meeting with them in the great ball room. This was a trial indeed! It appeared to me, I should seem in their eyes as a bad woman, or a stage player; and I feared they only sought an opportunity to behave rudely. Yet I considered, I shall see these people no more till I see them at the judgment seat of Christ. And shall it then be said to me, You might that day have warned us, but you would not. I answered them immediately, That I would wait on them at the time appointed. They behaved very well, and the presence of the Lord was with us. The following Sunday they made the same request. Much more company came in, even from High Harrowgate; but the Lord bore me through; and glory be to him we had some fruit. The next day I returned home, better in health, and comfortable in mind. All praise be to the Lord!

        Sunday, Oct. 17.- Reflecting on the condition of Israel at the Red Sea, I thought, there is the picture of my situation. I also then will stand still and see the salvation of God. Thy will be done ! Yes, my adorable Lord, strip me of every penny; bring me not only to poverty, but what I far more dread, to insolvency. Yes! strip me even of reputation ; let me be as the filth and offscouring of all things, only let me have thy approval, and all shall be well. Yes, I will praise thee for all, and most for the severe.

Oct. I8.Finding the family (which now consisted of men and women, boys and

girls) much laid on my mind; in particular the children, some of the biggest of whom seemed getting into snares ; and considering that several must soon (because of my circumstances) be thrust out into the world, I spent some time in pleading with the Lord, that he would not let the expense and labour which had been laid out on these orphans be all in vain, but that they might be truly brought to God; though I saw we must be dispersed, through the losses and trials which are come upon me. The Bible lay open before me, and I cast my eyes on those words, which were applied with power to my heart: Yet, behold, there shall be a remnant that shall be brought forth, both sons and daughters, behold, they shall come forth unto thee, and thou shalt see their ways and their doings; and ye shall be comforted concerning the evil I have brought on Jerusalem. And they shall comfort you when you shall see their ways and their doings; and ye shall know that I have not done without cause all that I have done, saith the Lord.

Saturday, Nov. 6.I have received some upbraiding letters, asking me if I yet believed

I should see those words fulfilled, I will restore to you the ears the locusts have eaten. In the midst of my trials, it is sometimes presented to my mind, Perhaps the Lord will draw me out of all this by marriage. Opportunities of this kind occur frequently ; but no sooner do I hear the offer, but a clear light seems to shine on my mind, as with this voice: You will neither be holier nor happier with this man. But I find Mr. Fletcher sometimes brought before me, and the same conviction does not intervene. His eminent piety, and the remembrance of some little acts of friendship in our acquaintance, look to me sometimes like a pointing of the finger of Providence. And yet I fear lest it should be a trick of Satan to hurt my mind. I know not even that we shall see each other on this side eternity. Lord, let me not be drawn into a snare! Well, this I resolve on, to strive against the thought; and never to do the least thing toward a renewal of our correspondence. No  I will fix my eye on the hundred forty and four thousand; praying only to live and die to God alone. Whatever is the will of God, I believe he will show it to me, and may his holy will be done. A few nights ago, as my mind was burdened lest Satan was about to get an advantage over me, I cried to the Lord, and felt much sorrow. In order to compose my mind, (I did what I seldom do,) I prayed the Lord to direct me in opening to some passage of Scripture which might draw me to himself, and compose me into a quiet frame. I took up, as I thought, a little Bible which lay before me, but (by accident) one of the maids had put her small Common Prayerbook in the place. With prayer I opened it, and cast my eyes on these words: Almighty God, who at the beginning did create our first parents, Adam and Eve, and did sanctify and join them together in marriage, pour upon you the riches of his grace, sanctify and bless you, that you may please him both in body and soul, and live together in holy love unto your lives’ end. I was struck with the words; but saw the safest way was a quiet attention to the will of my God, on which I strove to lean my weary spirit.

         Monday November, 8,My mind is this morning affected in a solemn manner. It seems to me I have yet more of the cross to expect, and more bitter cups to drink. O my Lord, what breaking do I need! Well, do all thy will, so I may but feel that promise accomplished, Thou shalt walk with me in white. Last night I went to bed recollected, and in the spirit of prayer, but had a dream which I cannot understand, though I believe it to be from God. Perhaps what I know not now I may know hereafter. I thought I was in a room with S. C., A. T., and some others. Mr. Fletcher was there, sitting with us, and speaking of the things relating to a walk with God. At last he said, as it were abruptly, I must go to Bristol: will any of you go with me A woman who sat by him said, No, not for the world. You know not what you will have to suffer: the devil walks there, and you will have all the powers of hell to grapple with. He replied, I care not for ten thousand devils, for the name of Jesus will conquer them all ! He then, turning to me, said, Will you go with me! Not to help me to fight, but to help me to praise. I replied, I will go; for while we trust in Jesus, all the powers of hell cannot harm us. I had no remembrance during my dream of his being a single man, or any thing that had passed in my mind before. In all I said and did, I seemed acted upon by another spirit rather than my own.

         November 15.In reading Mr. Elliott’s Life this day I received a fresh conviction, how blessed an employment it is to receive and comfort the messengers of the Lord, who have left their houses, and all the conveniences of life, to preach the Gospel. God hath given me a home, though Christ had not where to lay his head; and here I have the honour and privilege of giving a cup of water to his prophets. Lord, teach me to do it with more diligence!

December 2.This day, as brother Bramah was meeting my band, he related an

anecdote of a young man, which was blessed to me. He was leader of a band of young men, all desirous of giving their whole hearts to God; but it seemed to them they could not see the way clearly. One night he dreamed he was at the bottom of a deep but dry well, with his little company. He told them if they remained there they must perish, and exhorted them to strive hard to get out. Accordingly they exerted all their strength, endeavouring to get up, but all in vain. At last they were quite discouraged, and said, What must we do Truly,! said he, I know not ; but looking up, he saw in the sky a little bright spot which did not appear larger than half a crown. He looked at it for some time, when feeling himself move, he looked down into the well, and found to his surprise he was risen some feet from the bottom. As soon, however, as he looked down he began to sink again. O, said he, now I have found the way out of the well! It is by looking steadily on yonder bright spot; on which fixing his eye, he was brought up in a short time, and his feet were set on firm ground. This discovery of the way of faith was greatly blessed both to him and his brethren. I am convinced, could I thus constantly look to Jesus as the author and finisher of my faith, the work of sanctification would be going on without hindrance.

December 17.Last Friday I went to Leeds to meet some classes. O how much do I

suffer for every meeting I propose! The enemy follows me hard with such buffeting fears and discouragements as I cannot express. However, I determined to go, and leave the event to God. At          Mrs. C.’s many came in to tea, and being a mixed company, I thought, Lord, give me something profitable to say, or keep me silent; and blessed be God it was a profitable time. After tea I conversed alone with one in

deep distress,and read in the providences she mentioned, a wonderful display of the wisdom, condescension, and guardian care of the Lord Jesus. When I returned into the dining room, a large class was ready for me, and the Lord was very present. Glory be to his name, he never fails his poor unworthy dust! Then Mrs. Clapham asked me if my strength would hold out to meet the children. I assented, and also found some liberty. Immediately I began the second class, and there I found the Lord was very good indeed; but my strength almost failed. After the people were gone, I talked closely with Mr. H. ; I trust not quite in vain. It being now late, we got a little supper, and went to bed. I had but little rest, being very feverish. Indeed I am seldom well in town. Next day we visited several in peculiar states and circumstances, and here also I saw the Lord’s hand. In the afternoon I returned home in peace.

            December 20.This was on the whole a good day. Taking some time in the Hermitage, my soul was refreshed. My situation is perplexing; but I feel myself calmly fixed on the will of God. I can, I do, believe he will not let me take any step that is not for his glory. And if I do not get out of his order, I care for nothing else.

            December 30.Waked early, and after losing some, time, (though kept from unprofitable thoughts,) I arose about five, and was blessed in prayer. but afterward found myself very stupid, dull, and heavy. I went to see some sick people, and their words were animating. I was humble while they recorded several meetings in which my words had been blessed to them. O my God, let me not help others into liberty, and myself remain in bondage. I heard also today of some in Leeds that were brought into a fuller measure of love,and that they had been blessed ever since my being there. Ah! Lord, how will this rise against me if I am not filled with thee! On all sides I hear of my words being blessed, and yet I am only a poor pipe through which it passes. Lord, let me never rest till I have full redemption in thy blood. Sometimes all my soul is on the stretch; but then I rest again, and other cares my heart divide. How long! O Lord! How long!

            January 1, 1774.And do I yet see another year Lord, with what improvement Shine on my soul, while I examine for an answer. Blessed be thy name! I have more faith than last year, I have more power, and my mouth is more open to speak for thee. I am more deeply convinced of my vileness, which is such as none can conceive. I am also more on stretch for holiness.

January 15, Friday night.This day I set apart as a fast. All the morning I was tossed much with thoughts of temporal difficulties. R. T. being quite unwilling to come into any scheme I can propose. In the afternoon I found more liberty in prayer; I was as in an agony. I said, Lord, if it can be consistent with thy justice to make such a sinner as I entirely holy, do it! Do it for thy name’s sake! Give me once more what thou gavest me at Hoxton. Do it, Lord! in thy own way; I submit myself to any condition; only make and keep me holy.’ My life seemed as if it would go from me, and my hands were so strained by the grasp, (which I afterward found they had of each other,) that I cou1d hardly use them for some time. But I did not gain the blessing I wanted.

February 6.Blessed be my adorable Saviour, I am kept from all condemnation I feel I am so born of God, I do not commit sin. But I have not that liberty of soul, that close communion which I want, and believe to be my privilege. 0 my Saviour, shine more clearly! let me fully enter into the good land!

Saturday, February 19.Glory be to God, I have been kept in peace this week, and my soul seems nearer to God. Yet I do not seem to have got salvation appointed for walls and bulwarks ;I am but a little child. But, Lord, I am thine, save me. As to my outward affairs, they are not now such a weight, I have cast them on the Lord, and I embrace his will. He, without whom a sparrow does not fall to the ground, will not leave nor forsake his poor helpless creature.

Monday, 22.Yesterday was a day of trial. Mr. * * * preached at Morley, and then came here. He really grows in grace, and his word is attended with power. I was mush pained in conversing with him to see the grief of mind occasioned by his attachment. O my God, indulge me in this! Show me some way out of this embarrassment.

      Saturday, 27.A solemn day to my soul. I was kept in peace while busy in domestic affairs. Home always agrees with my soul. It is seven weeks tomorrow, since I have been constantly kept as the clay before the potter: yet still how far below my privilege I live!

Sunday, September 26.I did not rise quite in so spiritual a frame as I wished. Lord, let me not lose ground. I was blessed in the meeting afterward ;and in reading the Essay on Truth, in Mr. Fletcher’s Equal Check, page 162. Lord, give me to live in that constant act of faith! It is the very marrow of the Gospel. How delightfully it is distinguished from Antinomian presumption! It has of a truth been food to my soul, in prayer this night I found power to lay open all my troubles before the Lord, and to take fast hold on that word, Seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness, and all these things shall be added unto you. I cannot tell how to express the power I felt in those words, All these things! I saw Jesus had undertaken my whole cause.

December.I feel my faith rather increased. I have this day been examining the state of my soul as to the progress I have made this year. and inquiring of the Lord why I do not grow much faster, and sink into a much deeper acquaintance with God. It appears to me that the reason is, I do not valiantly resist every thought that presents itself, but suffer my eyes to be turned off from my Saviour.In particular, I lose much time in searching for ways out of my present trials. It seems often a duty to do so; and my mind is carried away, till recalled by that word, Thou canst not make one hair white or black.

February 1, 1775.I was much blessed at the Wednesday meeting. For some time these words have been with me, Delight thyself in the Lord, and he will give thee the desire of thy heart.

February 28.I fear my soul has lost ground this month. O what a narrow path do we tread! How true also is that word, Without me ye can do nothing! In the beginning of this month I wrote that precious word, Delight thyself in the Lord; but, alas! instead of delight, I feel sorrow of heart! A little time since I had a particular trial with * * *. What was proposed seemed hard and unreasonable; and I forgot the Christian motto, Do good, and suffer ill. I got my eye turned off from Jesus, and then I no longer felt the love that never faileth. This deeply wounded me. At night I felt a drop of healing balm, but my spirit remains to this day much discouraged.

       May.I am a woman of a sorrowful spirit. My affairs are perplexing indeed! Yet something seems to say, It is for an appointed time. But all this I should not regard, if my soul was always filled with love. I sometimes seem to get all obstacles removed, and then I reflect the image of my Saviour, and all is quiet, calm, and peace. Floods of trial do not seem to move me. But though I thus taste of the pure river now and then, I do not abide in the faith, and therefore I do not abide in liberty.

        May 28.This day! set apart for prayer, to inquire of the Lord, why I am so held in bondage about speaking in public. It cannot be expressed what I sufferit is known only to God what trials I go through in that respect. Lord, give me more humility, and then I shall not care for any thing but thee! There are a variety of reasons why it is such a cross. The other day one told me He was sure I must be an impudent woman; no modest woman, he was sure, could proceed thus. Ah! how glad would nature be to find outThou, Lord, dost not require it! Mr. William Bramah observed today, The reason why your witness is not more clear, is because you do not glorify God by believing, and more freely declaring what he hath done for your soul. He spake much on these words, What things soever ye ask in prayer, believe that ye receive them, and ye shall have them. His words came with power, and my soul got a farther hold on Jesus. I do see that by his death he hath purchased perfect salvation for all who believe; and that we receive it in proportion as we thus believe.  Be it unto you according to your faith, is the word of the Lord. Then I will, I do cast my whole soul on thee! O let me find salvation as walls and bulwarks!

        September10, Sunday.I rose this morning with a sore weight on my mind. It

was given out for me to be at D. There was much wind and rain, and the roads were

very bad. I feared the journey. I feared also I should have nothing to say when I came

there ;I leared all manner of things. Those words, however, came to my mind, Take no

thought what ye shall say. I then felt myself led to consider these words, Repent! for the

kingdom of heaven is at hand. I found some liberty in speaking from them, and the

people were affected. As I was riding back, I clearly saw I was called to stand still; to live

the present moment, and always to praise the Lord that his will was done, though I might

have much to suffer. I had a clear conviction, God brought me to York shire, and that I

had a message to this people: and that notwithstanding the darkness which hung over my

situation, I was at present where God would have me. Well then, answered my heart, if I

am but in his will I am safe; for where the Lord leads me, there he will be my light.

    September 1, Tuesday.This day I am thirty-six years old. I have been throughout the

day kept in the spirit of prayer. Lord, I offer up myself, body and soul, to thee! It came to

me, Thy captivity is long. Well, I will wait thy time, O Lord!

    November 5, Sunday.Did not rise early, but was kept recollected. In the morning I was watchful as to words, but at noon I talked too long with A. T. That is an admirable rule of Mr. Wesley’s, never to be more than an hour in the same company, where it can be avoided. I also spoke some evil of M. M. by repeating what was not needful. O when shall I know what that meaneth, He that offendeth not in word, the same is a perfect man, and

also to bridle the whole body.

    November 12, Sunday.Went to bed late last night, but in a degree recollected, though rather hurried with fear lest I should lie too long in the morning. When I rose, I found the weather was very severe. However, I went to A. The extreme cold almost took away my senses. Yet we had a comfortable meeting, and, many people.

    January 5, 1776. I find it very hard to be recollected in private prayer. Today I tried the following plan with some advantage. I placed my watch on the bed, that I might know when the hour was out. I first strove to consider myself as in the presence of Godas before the throne, worshipping with the heavenly host. Then I strove with recollection to repeat the Lord ’s Prayer, giving each sentence full scope in my mind. In the words, Our Father, I felt a powerful remembrance of Him after whom the whole family in heaven and earth is named, and with delight I then repeated, Hallowed be thy name! That sentence, Thy kingdom come, was much opened to my soul. I see that kingdom is the great promise of the Father, which Christ said he would send upon his children. That indeed is the kingdom which suffers violence, and the violent take it by force. As I repeated, Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven, I felt

The will of God my sure defence,

Nor earth, nor hell can pluck me hence.

Give us this day our daily bread. Is he not our own Father Is he not engaged to provide for his babes Well then, thought I, freedom from debt is more to me than bread, and will he not preserve me from this It was then brought to my mind, The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want. In the next petition, Forgive me as I forgive, O! what a cry did I feel for more love! Lord, must I say,

                That mercy I to others show,                    

                 That mercy show to me          

Ah no! I will rather cry out,

Mercy, good Lord ! mercy I ask,

It is the total sum;

For mercy, Lord, is all my plea,

O let thy mercy come I’

With what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again! O how would that cut me off from all hope, were it not for those words; The blood of Jesus cleanseth from all sin ! Lead us not into temptation. How hath this prayer been answered to me! How would I have run into ruin, but thou didst not suffer the temptation to approach. Thou didst keep my powers as with bit and bridle, and conquered for me; and that when I did not strive, or even know my danger. But deliver us from evil. Lord, I am a desolate woman, who hath no helper but thee. O keep me from evil of every kind; thoroughly purge away my dross, and take away all my tin.  For all is thine for ever and ever. This I am assured of, when the soul turns inward to seek the Lord, that moment he turns to it and smiles upon it; and if it abide with him, it will always grow. But as of a healthy child, one does not see it grow, and yet it doth; so the soul, surrounded by temptation, may not discover its growth; nevertheless, the sun does not more freely give its light and warmth to the earth, than the beams of the immaterial Sun meet the seeking soul.

            January 21.I went today to see some sick, among whom was the mother of a young man, who, about four years ago, came to our Sunday night’s meeting. It pleased the Lord to awaken him, and soon after he died happy. On his deathbed he entreated his mother and sister, that they would attend the meetings as he had done. Some time after, the eldest sister came to me for advice among the other patients. Conversing with her, I perceived she had some convictions, and invited her to meet with a few persons whom I had collected. She did so, and seemed to drink in instruction as the parched ground the softening shower. After a few weeks she was set at liberty. She was now desirous her mother might share in her felicity. She begged me to visit her, as she was too infirm to come out. Accordingly I went, but found her so ignorant, and so exceedingly weak as to her understanding, that it seemed almost impossible to do her any good. After some time, she appeared under some concern; and her complaint then was, to use her own words, O that I could but get a smile from God ! Her convictions continued to increase, and she would cry, O what shall I do Shall I never be saved O how easily did Betty come to it, while I cannot get one smile, not one look from God! The face of the Almighty is all dark to me, as dark as darkness itself. The Lord was then pleased to lay her on a sick bed, in a very painful disorder. Finding nothing gave her any relief, and believing she must die, she was in great distress, and said to her daughter, My dear, my pain is greater than I can bear! I cannot live over this night. I pray thee go to mistress, and see if she can order me something. O mother, said she, I know not how to go, we have had so much in former illnesses. I fear it will seem as if we were imposing on her; let me go to the doctor again ! The old woman lying in great distress, at length cried out, Thou wilt order me a medicine, Lord! I can believe thou wilt. But shall I have no share in thy glory Then, as she expressed it, It went through my mind with power, ‘I will have mercy on thee! I will receive thee at the eleventh hour!’ O what did I then feel! Such comfort came over me as I can never tell, I did not mind the pain; I believed it would be removed.  But my soul! O! what a change did it feel! Why, the dark face of God was all light! I thought before, that he hated me for my sins; but now I saw he loved me. Yes, I saw he had loved me all my life, and had been inviting me to come to him; but I did not understand. And now, O! how I love him! Yes, I love my God better than I ever loved my best bairn (child.) O it is a brave thing! And what a change it makes! Why, one is quite a new creature! And it has made me see things quite different from what I did before. I used to chafe and fret, when anything went wrong, and thought things were very hard ;but now I see nothing is hard; all is love! So I never do complain now.

            Her daughter came to me, and told me (as well as she could) how her mother was ; but her disorder was so peculiar, and so badly described, that I was on the point of saying, I cannot do anything for her, when all at once a mixture came into my mind. I went and made it up. The first spoonful gave her ease; and soon after quite removed the disorder. All I can say on this extraordinary case is, the Lord would have it so. The medicine was not an opiate, but in itself a very simple thing but when the Lord will bless, who shall stay his hand Thou art a God who hears and answers prayer.

            January 30.Last night I met the classes at A.Much of the power of the Lord was present. But, O ! I

* As it was in the days of the personal ministry of the Son of God, so it is in these his Spirit’s Gospel days: He hides those things from the wise and prudent, and revealeth them unto babes. The weary and heavy laden, who believe, Matt. xi, 25-30. How easy it is to forget this ! How hard to keep it in remembrance, and to allow it its due weight! Did ever any man, since the days of St. Paul, more fully, or more constantly, appreciate this than Mr. Wesley It was the principle that governed and directed his whole life and labours; and on which account he denominated the fruit of these labours, The work of God A work which he began, supported, and prospered; and in respect to which Mr. Wesley, notwithstanding his unparalleled activity, always considered himself as a mere passive instrument.En.

 

am not what I would be, Lord! How is it I seem to get so slowly forward ! This morning I rose early, and found it good. Self-denial agrees with my soul, but I use too little of it.

      February 4.Last Wednesday I had a remarkable preservation. Going to take my bark mixture, my mind being much taken up with what I had been writing, I took a bottle of laudanum, which through a strange providence was not then locked up, a circumstance which seldom happens. I took four teaspoonfuls and a half of it. As soon as I had swallowed it, I perceived what it was; and thought I must take a large dose of ipecacuanha. I looked for it, but could not find it, though it stood very near me. I knew my life depended on the present moment; and thought, perhaps the Lord has appointed to take me this way. I found my mind calmly stayed on God, and those words came across it, These signs shall follow those that believe: if they drink any deadly thing, it shall not hurt them. I went into Mrs. Crosby’s room, and told them what had happened.  Having medicines in the parlour, we  went down to look there for the ipecacuanha, but there was none. We returned to my room and found it. I took about thirty grains. We then joined in prayer. For half an hour it had no effect. I thought it would then have no power, as the opiate must in that time have taken hold of the nerves of the stomach.  But it soon after operated, and brought up (it seems) both the laudanum and ipecacuanha. Fearing the whole had not come away, they gave me another dose; but that had no effect at all. I felt, however, not the least inconvenience. In the night, I a little rambled, and was restless, but not ill. On the whole1 it was a comfortable dispensation. I had been always tempted to think, if I should be called to face death in full health, I should shrink from it. But now that I fully believed it to be just before me, my soul did calmly wait on the Lord, though not with joy, yet with quiet peace!

            Last night I dreamed I was telling the Lord he was the loadstone, and my soul the needle. That his will was the north pole, to which my heart should turn, however tossed about. To-day Miss Ritchie came. I have had some profitable conversation with her. She is indeed a blessed soul; and I feel more of the immediate presence of God since that conversation.

      May 5.I had a meeting some days ago at B, where an odd circumstance occurred. I observed (as I was speaking on these words, The Master is come, and calleth for thee) a gentleman among the congregation; who looked with great earnestness. As soon as the meeting was over, I rode home, where I had not long been, till this man came after me. He is a stranger, and came into these parts about business. He felt a great alarm in his soul; and declared he had always before thought himself very righteous; but he now feared he should go to hell; and insisted on telling me his whole life, and confessing (as he termed it) all his sins. He was very long; and I feared there was in his mind a mixture of insanity. He told me he was building a house for an assembly, but he would go home, and turn it into a preaching house, if I would come and speak in it, that his neighbours might get the light he had got. I strove to prevail on him to return to the friend’s house from whence he came and to set off the next morning for his own country, where he told me he had a good wife and family; but he insisted he would not, leave me till be had found the Lord! At length he said he felt some comfort, and would go and spend most of the night in prayer. Next morning he was more calm; and on my promising to answer him if he wrote to me, he went away. Satan made use of this occurrence to bring me into discouragement respecting public speaking; but some years after, I heard a most pleasing account of this gentleman, that he had indeed turned his assembly into a Methodist preaching house, and that himself and family were joined to the society.

      June 11, Tuesday.Mrs. Westerman came here on the Thursday before Whitsunday, and stayed ten days. She came in full expectation of a blessing; and in the Sunday night meeting, as I was in the last prayer, I felt it on my mind to plead with the Lord that he would seal some soul as his abode that night. Just then the answer came. She felt the heart of stone taken away, and has ever since rejoiced with exceeding joy. Tuesday I went to B. When we came, we found the man at whose house we were to have been, died that morning. Another offered his barn, though with seeming fear; but when we came to the house, he either could not, or would not find the key. So we stood in an open place, with some serious people from other parts, and some of the careless inhabitants. However, all behaved well, and I found liberty in enforcing these words, Acquaint now thyself with God, and be at peace,hereby good shall come unto thee.

July 20.This day I found a good deal of liberty in prayer, especially in pleading,

If it be thy will I should be holy,if it be the great design of thy death,O, then, let it all be answered on thy poor creature! Let all thy will be done ! It seems to me I fall short in every thing. I am continually making rules and plans, and yet I keep to none with any degree of exactness. Nevertheless, I see it well to make them; for though I never come up to  what I propose, yet I always gain something; every fresh effort seems to put me a little forward. I have of late been reading Dr. Cheyne’s works ; I see self-denial very beautiful, and of profit both for soul and body.

July 24.H.. S. gave a good account of the work wrought on her soul. I think it

is about three months ago I providentially met with her in a class, which I went to meet about a mile from home. She appeared that night all ear, and quite awakened to the desire of loving God with all her heart. I felt much liberty in conversing with her, and asked her to come to the meeting, which she did the first opportunity, and seemed quite broken down ;expressing herself in such a manner concerning her inbred sin, as plainly showed the -Lord had plucked away every covering. While we were at prayer, she felt a degree of living faith; and last night she gave the following account: After I left you I was very happy. I went to bed, wondering at the great miracle Jesus had wrought in saving such a sinner. When I awoke in the morning,  (O, what a precious morning to me!) I had an impression as if my dear Lord stood just by me, and said, ‘I will cause all my goodness to pass before thee.’ I cried out, ‘O, it is thee, my Lord!’ Then the words came to me, ‘I have set thee as a signet upon mine arm, as a seal upon my heart. Thy sun shall no more go down. I will be thine everlasting light, and thy God, thy glory.’ O, what rapture did I feel, and so I do still! He is all day long speaking so sweetly to me, and I have such views of his glorious love as I cannot express. O, never sure did the Lord do such a miracle!  For I do believe there never was such a vile polluted creature as I have been !*

August 30.Yesterday it was given out for me to be at . For a whole month it lay on my mind. None, O my God, but thyself, knows what I go through for every public meeting! I am often quite ill with the prospect. When the day came, the wind was violent, which is a thing I have a great fear of, because it so affects my head; for after riding several miles in it, I am scarcely in my senses. And I suppose it is worse to me, not having been used to ride on horseback till I came into Yorkshire. A little before I set out, I said, O Lord, thou canst still the wind; but thy will be done. When we had got about a hundred yards from the house, the wind fell, and we had no more trouble from it all the way. My hearing was much affected at this time, so that I feared I should not be able to converse with any person. But before I got to the place, my hearing was good as ever it was in my life,and I was not at all fatigued! There were many persons got together; and after spending about two hours with them, the time for the meeting drew on. We went to a barn prepared for that purpose by the kind friend who had invited us. There was a good congregation; and I found some enlargement in speaking on those words which came then to my mind, Hath the Lord as much delight in sacrifices and burnt offerings as in obeying the voice of the Lord Behold, to obey is better than sacrifice, and to hearken than the fat of rams. As I was speaking on the word hearken, I felt the Lord peculiarly present. The people would fain have had me stay all night; but for some reasons I thought it better to return ;which we immediately did, and reached home a little before eleven.

September 7, Tuesday.Glory be to God! this has been a comfortable day. My soul is sweet in expectation that I shall be filled with the Spirit; and that I shall yet see the time, when by my whole life I shall bring glory to God. I feel power to abandon my whole cause into his hand. O Lord, thou hast undertaken for me; I feel thou hast; I feel also great resignation as to the life or death of thy dear servant. O keep him Lord, as the apple of thine eye. I believe thou wilt order all right; and I shall regard him with an immortal friendship, that will be free from snares, and all Divine. But it is strange, when I am offering him up, the words come, The prayer of faith shall heal the sick, and the Lord shall raise him up. I do not understand, but I stand still.

September 14.Yesterday I was a good deal oppressed. I had undertaken to meet the old members of our society apart, and to propose to them a renewal of our covenant;to set our hearts and hands afresh to the work of God. Glory be to his name, I was carried better through it than I could have hoped for. Some little touches of enthusiasm were beginning to creep in among us, which I thought the more dangerous, as the meeting now grows very numerous, members being added from all sides. Yet was it a great trial for me to have to reprove them, 1. Because many are much farther advanced in grace than I am. 2. I was deeply conscious it is one of the most delicate subjects in the world, and requires both wisdom and much love, to extinguish false fire, and yet to keep up the true. All day I kept pleading before the Lord, mostly in these words of Solomon, Ah! Lord, how shall I, who am but a child, go in and out before this thy chosen people

September 17, Tuesday.Glory be to thee, my faithful Lord! O that I could

always trust! Then I should always praise! Last Sabbath morning I went, according to appointment, to Goker. I arose early, and in pretty good health. The day was fine, though rather hot. About eleven we came to Huddersfield, and called on Mrs. H. She had asked me to lodge there on my return, and have a meeting, saying many had long desired it, and there would be no preaching there on that day. I felt immediately the people laid on my mind, and that I had a message to that place,and said, If the Lord permit, I will. She then said, We will give it out at noon. We rode forward. Benjamin Cock met us, and kindly conducted us over the moors. When we came to his hut, all was clean, and victuals enough provided for twenty men. But I was so heated with the ride, (near twenty miles,) and with the great fire on which they so liberally cooked for us, that I could eat. My drinking nothing but water seemed also quite to distress them. They said the meeting had been given out in many places, and they believed we should have between two and three thousand people. That I did not believe; but there was indeed such a number, and of such a rabble as I scarce ever saw. At one we went out to the rocks, a place so wild that I cannot describe it. The crowd which got around us was so great, that by striving which should get first to the quarry, (where we were to meet,) they rolled down great stones among the people below us, so that we feared mischief would be done. Blessed be God, none were hurt! I passed on among them on the top of the hill, not knowing whither I went. Twice I was pushed down by the crowd, but, rose without being trampled on. We stopped on the edge of a spacious quarry filled with people, who were tolerably quiet. I gave out that hymn, The Lord my pasture shall prepare, &c. When they were a little settled, I found some liberty in speaking to them; and I believe most heard.  As we returned into the house, numbers followed, and filled it so full we could not stir. I conversed with them, but could not get much answer. They stood like people in amaze, and seemed as if they could never have enough. Many wept and said, When will you come again We then set off for Huddersfield. I felt very much fatigued, and began to think, How shall I be able to fulfil my word there As we rode along, brother Taylor said, I think I ought to tell you my mind. I wish we could ride through Huddersfield, and not stop. For I know there are some there who do not like women to speak among them, and I fear you will meet with something disagreeable. I looked to the Lord, and received, as it seemed to me, the following direction: If I have a word to speak from him, he will make my way. If not, the door will be shut. I am only to show the meekness of wisdom, and leave all to God. Those words then came with power to my mind,

           The Lord my pasture shall prepare,

           And feed me with a shepherd’s care;

            His presence shall my wants supply,

            And guard me with a watchful eye;

            My noonday walks he shall attend,

            And all my midnight hours defend.

When we got to Huddersfield, I told them the conversation we had had by the way, and the posture of my mind; which was calm as the limpid stream, and quiet as an infant. I perceived his fears were not groundless, and said, Well, my friends, I will do as you will, either stay with you this night, or go forward directly, for I follow a lamblike Lord, and I would imitate his life and spirit. They said they believed but few of the principal persons had any objection, and the people much desired it; besides, as it had been given out at noon, there would be a great many strangers, whom it would not be well to disappoint. It was then agreed that we should have the meeting in the house, where they usually had the preaching; but when we came there the crowd was very great, and the place so hot, that I feared I should not be able to speak at all. I stood still, and left all to God. A friend gave out a hymn; during which some fainted away. Brother Taylor said, I perceive it is impossible for us to stay  within doors, the people cannot bear the heat, and there are more without than are within. We then came out. My head swam with the heat; I scarce knew which way I went, but seemed carried along by the people, till we stopped at a horseblock, placed against a wall on the side of the street, with a plain wide opening before it. On the steps of this I stood, and gave out, Come, ye sinners, poor and needy, &c. While the people were singing the hymn, I felt a renewed conviction to speak in the name of the Lord. My bodily strength seemed to return each moment. I felt no weariness, and my voice was stronger than in the morning, while I was led to enlarge on these words, The Lord is our Judge, the Lord is our Lawgiver, the Lord is our King, he will save us. I felt great enlargement while endeavouring to show the purity of our Judge, whose eyes could endure no iniquity. That as a Lawgiver he was just and holy, and the thing gone out of his lips must stand :The soul that sinneth shall die. But the Lord is also our King, and he will save us. First, by convincing us of the purity of his law, and the justness of our punishment, who have broken it. Secondly, by making us tremble before that Judge whose eyes are as a flame of fire. Thirdly, by leading us to Him who is our Advocate with the Father, Jesus Christ the righteous,who now manifests himself to the soul as the propitiation for our sins. And, fourthly, as a King, he goes on in the believer conquering and to conquer, till the eternal reign of Jesus commences in the soul; which, as the morning light, grows brighter and brighter unto the perfect day ;till the perfect love which casts out all fear, marks the soul as the abode and habitation of God through the Spirit. Deep solemnity sat on every face. I think there was scarce a cough to be heard, or the least motion; though the number gathered was very great. So solemn a time I have seldom known; my voice was clear enough to reach them all; and when we concluded, I felt stronger than when we began.

They then desired me to speak to each of the women joined in the society, which took me till near ten. The room we went into for that purpose was a damp stone floor, so that I could hardly move my legs when I came out. But they kindled a fire, and after getting some refreshment I grew better. About twelve I went to bed, and rested under the shadow of the Almighty till morning, when I found myself remarkably well. After having breakfasted with brother Goldthorp, where we had a lively conversation concerning holiness, I came home with much thankfulness and peace.

October 8.I was to-day at Clackhightown, and saw the hand of the Lord in many things. I have been more abundantly led to reflect on the difficulties of the path I am called in. I know the power of God which I felt when standing on the horseblock in the street at Huddersfield: but at the same time I am conscious how ridiculous I must appear in the eyes of many for so doing. Therefore, if some persons consider me as an impudent woman, and represent me as such, I cannot blame them. Again, many say, If you are called to preach, why do you not do it constantly, and take a round as a preacher I answer, Because that is not my call. I have many duties to attend to, and many cares which they know nothing about. I must therefore leave myself to His guidance who hath the sole right of disposing of me. Again they say, Why do you not give out, I am to preach Why call it a meeting I answer, Because that suits my design best. First, It is less ostentatious. Secondly, It leaves me at liberty to speak more or less, as I feel myself led. Thirdly, It gives less offence to those who watch for it. Others object, Why, yours is a Quaker call; why then do you not join them at once You are an offence to us. Go to the people whose call is the same as your own; here nobody can bear with you. I answer, Though I believe the Quakers have still a good deal of God among them, yet I think the Spirit of the Lord is more at work among the Methodists ; and while I see this, though they were to toss me about as a football, I would stick to them like a leech. Besides, I do nothing but what Mr. Wesley approves; and as to reproach thrown by some on me, what have I to do with it, but quietly go forward, saying, I will be still more vile, if my Lord requires it Indeed for none but thee, my Lord, would I take up this sore cross. But thou hast done more for me. O do thy own will upon me in all things! Only make me what thou wouldst have me to be! Only make me holy, and then lead me as thou wilt!

August, 1777.I heard Mr. Wesley preach from these words, Dearly beloved, as strangers and pilgrims, abstain from fleshly lusts which war against the soul. A sweet discourse it was, showing the great danger of every earthly gratification. This lesson, he said, might be learned even from the body. As often as we take down food, we swallow so many seeds of death, by causing so many more particles of earth to adhere to, and clog our vessels, and so hasten our dissolution. And without great watchfulness so it would be with our souls, If we were not on our guard, human comforts received would also bring the soul nearer to death, instead of being a step to life. It is truly said of worldly joy, It does with powerful charm hold down the mind, and sensualize the soul.

Sunday noon.I heard him on these words, If thou canst believe, all things are possible to him that believeth. His strength was wonderful, and much power attended the word. Lord, be the strength of thy dear servant, and his portion for ever! At night he lodged with us.

August 14.Last night dear Mr. Wesley came here again. After supper he read a

letter from Lady Maxwell, in which she expresses a most sweet state of soul; observing that if the name of Jesus is but mentioned, her heart is like the key of a well tuned instrument, when its unison is touched. O how sweet a progress has she made! Lord, let me do so likewise!

Last Thursday Mr. Wesley preached at Daw Green, on I will give to every one of

you according to your works. First, he considered, What were the works. Secondly, What the reward. The works, he said, were threefold. First, What the man is. Secondly, What he does. Thirdly, What he suffers.  1. All he is, that is right, shall have its reward :all the fruit of the Spirit, love, joy, peace, longsuffering, meekness, patience, faith, self-denial, fortitude ;all these are the work of God, and all received through Christ,above all, love, which is the image of God. 2. All he does, all his works of piety and mercy,  all that is wrought in faith; nay, the most common labours of his daily business, if done in a spirit of sacrifice, shall not be forgotten; for it is said of servants, by the apostle, for their encouragement, that when they obey and serve men, with singleness of heart, they serve the Lord Jesus Christ. 3. All he suffers. Not one cross taken up in obedience to the will of God, but it  shall have its reward. But what is the reward First, The very nature of each grace necessarily brings its reward. The more faith, patience, courage, and perseverance, the more holiness will be brought into the soul, and consequently the soul will be rendered more like God, and more capable of fellowship with him: and in proportion to our fellowship with God must be our happiness. But beside these, there is a reward of infinite free mercy (over and above what flows from inherent holiness) bestowed on each grace, and on each action done for God, and each cross borne for his sake.

I felt it come with power to my soul. O for a full devotedness to thee, my God! I see

I am quietly to wait on thee, though my crosses are very heavy in many ways. But the will of the Lord be done!

September 12.This day thirty-eight years I was born. Solemn thought! - O how far have I spent these thirty-eight years for God What is my situation, outward and inward Outward it is very trying; my circumstances are very perplexing. But I hold fast my former promises. Christ charges himself with all thy temporal affairs, while you charge yourself with those that relate to his glory. I am determined to make Zion my chief care, though! know not what the Lord is about to do with me. I have a great family, and not an income left sufficient to keep them, which obliges me to sink something every year. The business hurts, instead of helping; and though Mr.* * * is sure it will the next year do far otherwise, I cannot believe it. It appears to me deliverance will begin by bringing me out of this place, dividing the family, and contracting my widespread cares into one, viz., the cause of God only. But how this will be brought about I know not; for though I keep putting out the children as fast as they grow up, yet that is attended with much expense, and I have many grown persons whom I know not how to provide for, nor find any way to dispose of. They are good sincere souls, and they live to God. Some of them also are very weak in body, and advanced in years. When I have settled all the accounts, I am led to believe it will be the order of God for me to go down to Bath and Bristol for six months. Nine months ago I got a fall, which hath made me in a degree lame ever since. Bath may help that; but I believe I have something to do for souls in those places, and I shall be glad to be at a distance from poor Mr. * * *.O how sad it is! I fear while he helps me, I hurt him. Lord! what a situation is mine!

But how is it with me inwardly On the whole I have found my mind more stayed on God this last year, and my confidence in his loving protection is a good deal increased. That sore temptation of fear, by which I have suffered so much in going out in the work of God, I have found a good deal removed by prayer. I have had freedom, and some success, in dealing with souls. But I am not all athirst for full salvation. I do not feel that ardent desire after it which swallows up every other care and desire. I have yet some prospects on earth, which I cannot fully look over. They present themselves before me and I do not feeldeeply feelthe force of these words, It is far better to depart, and be with Christ. Again, many cares divide my soul. I know not if ever I shall get this place sold; or ever pay my debts. Every thing sinks me deeper in that respect. It is amazing what losses and trials I have! Yet I feel my anchor cast in the will of God. I fear, however, that I have departed from his close embrace, and therefore he hath encompassed my way with thorns. Well, I will, I do embrace his justice, as well as his mercy! Both his rod and his staff shall comfort me!

It is an easy matter to believe when all goes smoothly about us. But now is the time for my faith to have its full exercise. Nothing but ruin in temporal things seems before me, and I am upbraided by many as being a fool. They say, Why does not she turn them all out of doors Nay, some who should know better, cast the same in my teeth! Yet with all my endeavours I see no way out. To turn them out of doors !I have no light for that. Still I seem called to believe God will make a way for each, and remove them in his own time and manner. Still I trust that I shall see accomplished those words, so powerfully applied at Laytonstone: Thou shalt lay up gold as the dust, and the gold of Ophir as the stones of the brook; yea, the Almighty shall be thy defence, and thou shalt have plenty of silver. What I understand by these words is, that a time shall come when I shall owe no one any thing, and have plenty to carry on such designs as the Lord shall lay on my heart for his glory. That he will bring me out of this place, and provide some way for every member to be removed, so that I shall say, Now is fulfilled that word, Thou shalt decree a thing, and it shall be established unto thee, and light shall shine on thy path. But here is the difficulty; how absurd does it appear to go on with a great household, running me out on every side!  How ridiculous will distress so brought on make me appear in the eyes of all! That thought has made me strive and struggle every way to throw it off, but it seems the Lord always frustrates my endeavours, and I am forced to sit down at his footstool again, with that thought, My time is in his hand, and he knows how to deliver. It is hard to believe against seeming impossibilities. Yet it comes to my mind, God does bless me in believing spiritual things that are above my powers; but these are only temporal. Will he bless that exercise of faith It is certain Abraham’s faith was tried in temporal thingsand through the temporal difficulties, he held fast faith in the spiritual. Israel was called into a temporal Canaan, prefiguring the spiritual ;and I cannot divide two ideas which continually seem to dwell together in my mind, viz., that I shall be delivered from all my spiritual enemies, and brought into a most perfect liberty of soul, as soon as I am delivered from the temporal; and that I shall first praise the Lord for the fulfilment of the above promises, and then for full salvation!

October 28.Glory be to God, he is yet working among us! Last week Sally

Lawrence was set at liberty, and the change is very evident. Yesterday as I was meeting her, she said, O! had I known what the love of God was, sure I should never have rested so long without it! I have often found great joy, but there was always a sting in the end. Some thought or other would come and take away the pleasure; but now I find a pleasure in God without any sting. Last week I felt a change, and many promises; but I had not a clear evidence. Yet I thought, I do feel in many things as I never did before. However, as you were saying in the class last Tuesday, that we ought to rejoice evermore, and the way so to do was to praise the Lord for what he had done; I thought, then I will try to do so. Accordingly, I spoke more freely than I should otherwise have done, and while I spoke, I found more power to believe. But on Friday, while you were meeting the children, I found my evidence quite clear: these words were applied to my mind: ‘There is no condemnation to those that are in Christ Jesus.’ And since that time I have been very happy. I never knew such a week as this in all my life. I used to be tired, and I hated the washing week; but I have now been kept in entire peace all through.

Bath, February, 1778.On the 8th of December last, I set out for this place, and

came here on the 12th. Much have I seen of the hand of my God here in many ways. Soon after my arrival, Mr. Wesley came to lay the first stone of the chapel. He preached from these words:  From this time it shall be said, What hath God wrought He pointed out to us in what a wonderful manner the Lord had carried on his work in the three kingdoms, within these last thirty or forty years. It was a solemn time. The people were very attentive, though the cold was very severe. At night we had a love feast: I was led to speak with some degree of freedom. As I came out, several asked me where I lodged. I told them I should (with the Lord’s help) be at home at such an hour every day. Several came to me, one after another, and the Lord’s hand hath been with us of a truth. What amazing answers to prayer have I seen! Lord, give me to endure to the end! In the classes and bands, also, I find much freedom in speaking for God; and he gives me to cast all my own burden on himself, and to believe Christ charges himself with all my concerns, while he, in some low degree, gives me to charge myself with those that relate to his glory. Here are many souls who seem to thirst for spiritual conversation, as the traveller for the cooling stream; and whenever we are together, our Lord is in the midst.

March.Conversing with a gentleman who knew something of my situation, he

said, If I had had such losses as you have had, and was in such an encumbered situation, I should stamp and tear, and go raving mad. I began to reflect on his weeds, and thought, How is it that I am kept so calm I saw and adored the hand of my God, and was constrained to cry out, Lord, thou hast known my soul in adversity! This is thy doing, and I         will praise thee.

April 4.When I was in this city fourteen years ago, the Lord was pleased to give

me some souls. I wondered often what was become of them; but glory be to God! I find them as simple and steady as ever ;and some are much advanced. 1 asked of the Lord at my first coming at this time, that some soul might be particularly blessed, that I might be encouraged to think that I was come in his name. A few days after we came, the answer was given. Brother Cousins was restored to the love of God. But this was only the beginning of good things. Each day opened the providence of God more and more. Several persons got good, and I saw my call quite clear. One old disciple gave me much pleasure. She had long been a follower, and useful to others. The first time I saw her; she laid open her whole heart, and was simple as a little child. I scarce ever found so much of the power of God in conversing with any one as with her. Before we parted the Lord gave her a taste of the liberty she came to inquire after. She sent othersamong whom was one young woman, an upright soul, but who had got into sore temptation, and lost her peace. The Healer of the breaches again appeared, and she was filled with consolation, and found (as she afterward told me) she was a new creature. A man and his wife the next day called on me; they had a measure of life; but they were come (as they said) to inquire when, and how, the blood of Jesus would cleanse them from all sin. Such simplicity I hardly ever met with before. My heart was ready to melt with desire. I found such access in addressing the throne of grace as I cannot express. It was all ask and have ! I did ask, and, glory be to God, he granted my petition, and brought the dear souls into farther light and liberty!

April 24.I am now at Bristol. Lord! what shall I meet with here O let me be

ever observant of thy will!

May.I wrote and sent to my Wednesday nights’ meeting, (consisting of about

fifty persons, who meet at Cross Hall,) the following letter:

Though various occupations in my Master’s work have rendered my pen for a

longer time silent than I at first intended, I can assure you with a pleasing sincerity, my heart has often been warmed when pleading before the throne in your behalf. Very dear are all the followers of the Lord to me in every place ;but my little company on Wednesday nights will ever hold a peculiar place in my heart. I also include the spreading branch in Wakefield. May lively grace rest on you all !and may you ever adorn your profession as a company of the choicest followers of the bleeding Lamb! Many here inquire, ‘How goes on your Wednesday nights’ meeting’ There is a general belief of great life in Yorkshire. In this your fame is gone out into other Churches. O, how alarming the thought ! ‘What manner of persons ought ye to be in all holy conversation and godliness! A city set on a hill cannot be hid.’ Either a ray of light, or a shade of darkness, will reflect from every professor.

Adorable Jesus, fill us with that jealous, just concern, that our light may never become darkness!’ In order to prevent this, let the most strict and ardent watchfulness keep your eye and heart for ever fixed on ‘the Lamb who taketh away your sins!’ For it is by those believing views that all the streams of consolation, wherewith our souls are replenished and refreshed, are given. I would have you praise the Lord for me, and therefore I tell you, I have, and do prove him to be a God of faithfulness and truth.

The account of a Jewess in this city may perhaps help your strains of praise to rise a little higher. I will therefore give it you in the best manner my memory will afford.

She was born in Germany. Her father was a famous Jew rabbi. He gave her a good education, and brought her up very strictly according to the laws of the Jews. When she was about eighteen she found a strong inclination to come to England. This her parents much opposed, as they could well provide for her, and could see no reason why she should leave her native country. But she had no rest in her spirit while in Germany; so at last they gave consent that she should visit their own people in England. They gave her a handsome sum of money, and sent her off with their blessing, in company with some friends. She continued to live some time in England, till at length she was cheated out of the greatest part of her money. She was then reduced to many hardships, and after a time went as a servant into a Jew’s family. Her mistress liked her greatly, and used her as one of her own children. Here she thought her lot was cast in a fair portion, for she loved her mistress, and rejoiced to do her service. But after a short time a great change took place. Her mistress was awakened to a sense of the things of God, and in the end found ‘there was no name under heaven whereby she could be saved, but the name of Jesus Christ.’ This grieved the young woman beyond expression. She now hated her mistress, as much as before she had loved her; and very often her behaviour corresponded with the feelings of her heart. The arrows of conviction, however, now began to fasten on her also; and oft she reasoned with herself, saying, What a difference there is between my mistress and me! If I had such a servant I would turn her off at once. But my mistress seems all love since she believed in Jesus Christ as the Messiah; but I am all hatred. Besides, she is happy, always happy, while I am always miserable. Then again, she would start at the thought and say, What! am I going to leave the true religion O, no! I will never believe in Christ. I will pray to the true Messiah. Then she would go up to the top of the house, and (as she thought) looking toward Jerusalem, would cry, ‘O Lord Jehovah, hear me! Thou hast done great wonders for our people, and for our nation; and when we were in the hands of our enemies, thou didst send deliverance for thy chosen people Israel. O hear me! thou God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, and send us our Messiah, that he may take away our misery! Then ‘shall kings be our nursing fathers, and queens our nursing mothers,’ and ‘we shall be restored again to our former privileges!’ It would then come to her mind, Jesus Christ, whom you despise, is the very and true Messiah! But that thought she thrust away with fear.

One night she went to bed in great distress, and dreamed she was walking on a common, and that a man came up to her whom she knew to be Jesus Christ. She looked on him, and between hope and fear said, ‘Tell me, are you my Messiah’ He answered, ‘I am your Messiah.’ Yet she drew back, and was afraid to believe. In the morning she knew not what to think. Wherever she went she seemed always to see Christ as hanging on the cross! And in her own soul felt so deeply the sentence of death, that she seemed to have no hope of salvation. At last she told the Lord, one day, she could almost believe, and if he would give some sign, she thought she should hold out no longer. The sign which God gave to Israel, through Samuel’s prayer, came strongly to her mind, as she waited before the Lordher soul then struggling between faith and unbelief. It was at that time rather cold weather; but the Lord was pleased, before the close of the day, to send a storm of thunder and lightning, which terrified her beyond expression. While she was on her knees, expecting very moment to drop into hell, (which she now clearly felt she deserved,) she cried to the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, to hear and save her! God did hear. Glory be to his free mercy, he made her to feel, ‘None but Jesus could do helpless sinners good!’ In the same moment she felt his blood applied, and shouted aloud the praises of her Messiah!

From this time she continued happy in the love of God. She then became sensible of the stirrings of inbred sin, from which she had no thought of ever being delivered till she should lay down the body. I found much blessing in conversing with her; and after the first time she was much stirred up to seek a farther salvation. For some weeks she was tossed between hope and fear.One day as I was meeting brother Sims’s class, she seemed uncommonly oppressed with unbelief, yet she pleaded, ‘O! can it be possible that I should be wholly delivered from anger, and live in a place where I have ten children to look after I recommended her to look to Jesus, who could and would ‘save her to the uttermost.’ Several of us walked home together. As she was praying inwardly, and meditating on the all sufficiency of the Saviour, sister Tripp said, ‘God kept Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, in the fire, and why not you’ She answered nothing, but pondered the words in her heart. When she got home, she began to consider, He really did keep the three children in the furnace! And he can keep me from anger. As she strove to believe, her faith grew stronger and stronger, till she could cast the full weight of her soul on Jesus, as her uttermost Redeemer. O my friends, praise the Lord !

Cross Hall, September 12.This day I am thirty-nine years of age. O that I might live to Thee more than ever! What have I either done or suffered for thee, in this last year As to the state of my soul, I trust I am nearer to God than before I went my journey.  But I am still a dull scholar in thy school. I want that full baptism of the Spirit: God’s promise to all believers. Mr. * * * is very kind and helpful to me in the care of my temporal affairs; but what my trials are, none but God knows. Today I was blessed in praying for him, with that word: I will bless them that bless thee ! Amen! Amen!

Sunday, November 15.This day I found a blessing in putting in practice some resolutions I had formed for my daily walk. At seven we set out for Daw Green, where we had a good meeting. O what a desire did I feel for that people, while I was speaking on that word, The Lord thy God is a jealous God !

      March 26, 1779.This day I set apart as a fast to lay before the Lord the following particulars: 1. My present situation. 2. To ask for wisdom how to walk before my family. 3. For more of his love. 4. For a blessing on my journey to. 5. For my relations. On the whole, it has been a good day. As to the first petition, my present situation, I found much power and liberty in believing God would undertake and appoint me some deliverance; yea, entire deliverance, in his own time and in his own way; and I had more faith, I think, than ever before; yet, it was mixed with sweet resignation. 2. How to walk with wisdom before my family. I felt a great pleading for this, and some encouragement that I should yet adorn the Gospel. The third, For more love. I felt freedom in asking it. The fourth, For a blessing on the few days I am to spend at . I feel much of the cross in this adventure; yet, I think I must do it, and God will be with me. As to the fifth, I could find no particular opening, only a willingness to do, be, or suffer, any thing for their good. Perhaps the time has not yet come. The third time I went to prayer, all seemed swallowed up in that petition; Lord, give me the love that never faileth.

      Wednesday in Passion Week.I have this day offered myself up afresh to the Lord, as a whole burnt sacrifice. O give me that situation, those friends, those comforts, or crosses, which will best stand with thy own glory! ‘Tis all I ask’tis all my choice.

      May 21.Lord, my thirsty soul crieth after thee; I long for a fuller deliverance. Last night I met the old members of the W. band, and a sweet time we had; the Lord was very gracious in helping his unworthy worn,, and gave me, I believe, to speak to his glory. Since I returned from my journey to , I have been much drawn out in praise. O how good was the Lord! He made hard things easy, and was better to me than either my fears or wishes. To-day, when at prayer, I had a sight of the necessity of contemplation ; I mean, of labouring to keep the mind on spiritual things, and to consider and weigh the word of God, his love, his fulness! Love without end, and without measure, grace !

August, 1780.O Lord, how peculiar are thy ways toward me! What wouldst thou have me to do Here I am; command what thou wilt. Bring me to a state of poverty, reproach, a workhouse, or what thou wilt, only let me not mistake my way. It is true I have more than I owe, and as yet an income for life, enough for myself. But I cannot support these expenses and losses. And yet it seems I cannot get deliverance from them! Every answer to prayer is only Stand still and see my salvation. Lord, I am ready to do so; but all cry out, It is madness not to do something. And yet thou seernest to frustrate all I attempt. I strive to save in every thing, and many ways I have tried to do so; but unless all did the same, it makes little difference. When I attempt new things of the kind, various difficulties arise; and some are apt to say, Save in something else; you do not run out in this!   

The other day a friend said he was desired to ask me, If I did not do wrong in spending so much time on the sick poor In making medicines, clothes, &c. And * * * * said, It is a poor way of spending your time thus, for the bodies of the people. If that is your call, it is a mean call ! I have pondered the thought; and having set apart a day for fasting and prayer, the result of my most serious reflections were as follows:-

What was my setting out, or first light Why, from seven years old, (the first time I felt a spark of faith,) my conviction was,not to be conformed to the customs, fashions, and maxims of the world; and my frequent prayer was, as a little manuscript now by me proves, Lord, bring me out from among the ungodly! Cast my lot with the poor who are rich in faith; and make me to have my delight with the excellent of the earth. And then I will not complain for toil, poverty, or reproach.

When I was seventeen, my desires after holiness began to deepen, and I found a particular call to a farther dedication of my soul to God, in those words of St. Paul to Timothy, descriptive of the character of those women, who in the primitive Church were chosen as deaconesses, If she have lodged strangers, if she have brought up children, if she have washed the saints’ feet, and diligently followed after every good work. When I was twenty-one, being brought to the choice of my own manner of life, I was enabled in a degree to follow the plans thus formerly laid down.

As to my present way of life, of which a visiter had said a few days ago, I think, madam, your call is a strange one,to the care of cows and horses, sheep and pigs ;referring to my farm,I considered, I am by the order of Providence made mistress of a great family, and in straitened circumstances. There is therefore occasion for all my care and management, otherwise the embarrassment would be much greater. And it is good for the uncommon pride of my nature to bow before that word, In the sweat of thy brow shalt thou eat bread. It is true, I have bread enough for myself; but having joined the interests of so many with my own, I am willing to act thus, that they may have bread too. The Lord hath been pleased, also, to enable me to help the sick: this calls for some labour, and some small expenses in preparing and applying the medicines: but many souls have been blessed and several brought to God thereby. Some rich persons, to whose ear I could never have had access, have, through the belief that I could help their bodies, admitted the closest application to their souls; so that I dare as soon cut off my right hand as bury this trifling talent in a napkin. The souls under my roof also call for more diligent care than I am conscious I bestow upon them; and though some say, I do not regard as any thing what you do for the family, that is only burying yourself in one house ; yet I see it my duty, and I must apply thereto.

Again, I believe I should strive to get at the neighbours who live within my

knowledge, and do good to their souls, if I can. To this it is replied, You spend too much time on one neighbourhood. But perhaps I shall soon be called to leave this neighbourhood, and this family, and then I shall not repent of that application. I am also called to keep together some precious meetings, in which the work of God flourishes, and to go sometimes to meet others in more distant places; as well as to write many letters on the concerns of the soul. And now I ask, Lord, am I in my place or not To which it seemed my conscience gave the following answer:The surest mark of true piety is to fill up the duties of our own station with the utmost fidelity. We may plan fine schemes, talk of many journeys, and see ourselves converting whole worlds, but in these airy phantoms there is much danger of self having a great mixture. Whereas in the application to the order of God, in the present time, as it opens itself from moment to moment, there is no room for choice. I have heard good people say, I am weary of life, because, of the burdens which I have to bear. I want to spend all my time in a more excellent way. And yet as soon as they throw off one burden, the Lord finds them another. But the soul truly devoted to God finds no oppressive burden in the opening of the present moment, which shows the Divine order of his providence, and brings with it, to the resigned soul, both light and power either to act or suffer. In a low degree I find that to be my ease. I am called to work; and therein I fulfil my covenant not to complain of toil, although my wages seem to be put into a bag full of holes. I cannot have my own choice herein; nor do I complain of poverty. Thus I am often upbraided for walking in that order, in which (till I can get out of it) undoubtedly the Lord has placed me. I sink under his yoke, and if I can but keep free from impatience or discouragement, I may fulfil his will, and shall not complain of reproach. But, alas! I do too often admit discouragement, and am ready to cry out,

Ah! whither or to whom shall I,

Far from these woes, for kind protection fly

Yet something says in my heart, a time is at hand when the Lord will bring me out of these deep waters,and I am determined to stand still and see his salvation.

November.Last night I was led to pray much for a spiritual mind, both sleeping

and waking. I went to bed recollected. I dreamed I was sitting up in bed with the Bible in my hand. I saw two shining appearances, but          no distinct form. The appearance was as the heads of two glorious persons, and a ray of light cattle from them on the book in my hand, in which I was enabled to discover something which quite delighted me, and I cried out.O had I known this before, I should have made the whole house ring with shouts of praise! I then saw all around my bed a beautiful garden filled with evergreens, and on each tree, and on the ground, lay something like a light frost. I wondered at that, till these words came to my mind, The dew shall lie all night upon thy branches ! I then cried out, O what a delightful scene! What a lovely prospect! Here shall I for ever rest! I then threw my soul with such a Divine confidence on the Lord Jesus, as I think I never did before, and in that act I awaked. I could not recollect what the delightful discovery in the Bible was; but a fuller sense of God than ever before has rested on my soul.

               January 11, 1781.Many mercies have I seen within these three or four days.

Nothing is so good to me, as to meet every thing in the will and order of God; abandoning myself, soul, body, and family, into his hands, believing he will order all right. I find many convictions about my household. I am not a faithful head. I neither lead them by example, instruction, or reproof, as I ought. Lord, teach me how to go in and out before this people! I seem to have an impression that I shall not long remain with them. I seem to see another place, and another people, which I am called to; and outward things confirm the impression. One thing I have been very faulty    in during the last year, I have not risen early with any degree of constancy ; and that is a general loss both to my soul and my family. O Lord! when shall I be all glorious within, and my clothing of wrought gold

             January 13.I have been to-day a good deal drawn out in prayer. My exercises as to outward things are very great. I have a most narrow path to walk in! I am called to live by faith indeed. As I was at prayer this morning, I was led to ask of the Lord that he would bring me out of all my difficulties in his own way. Certainly the whole earth is the Lord’s; and I asked of him such a situation in life as will most glorify himself. It was brought before me, Perhaps that will be by bringing you to entire poverty. I asked my heart, Am I willing on that condition to be made holy And I felt I could say, Yes, Lord, yes. Again, the thought was suggested, But perhaps to a parish house, while your income goes each year for your debts I answered, Thy will be done! It was then represented, as if I was on a common side, dying, destitute of every human help or comfort. In that I felt great sweetness. But the sorest stroke was still behind: What if you should die in debt, and leave nothing to pay and so through you the Gospel be reproached This came the nearest of all; but it was clearly shown me, that the fear of the Gospel being blamed, often arose from our fear of personal reproach; for as to the truths of God, he would take care of them; and if I was really wrong, it would be for the glory of God to have it made manifest; and if he was but glorified, my soul was content. Certainly, thought I, if it was in my power to break off my expenses, it would be right so to do; and I do right in contriving every way I can toward it. But as all my endeavours are always frustrated, I see no way but to cast myself on the will of God, and embrace, as his will, poverty, and deep reproach; and still continue to believe in the promises till I see, even by the time of my death, that there has not been an accomplishment of them. Perhaps after all I am right. Perhaps the day will come (impossible as it now appears) when I shall have plenty of silver, and then the light shall indeed shine on my way.

Next June I shall be fourteen years from Laytonstone; and the September following I

shall be forty-two years old. It may be that soon after that time deliverance may appear. The words rested on my mind, By the way that thou wentest, by that way shalt thou return. Lord, thou knowest what they mean; but I see all sorts of crucifixions are needful for me. O my hard heart!  what need hath it had of breaking!

February 15,When I was at Leeds some time since, I had much proof of the

goodness of God in many ways. On the whole it was a journey for good. I heard a dream of a good woman while there, which was made a blessing to me. She thought she was dying, and felt her soul leave the body. Immediately she found herself standing in the presence of God! Jesus appeared to her as seated on a white throne! He beckoned to her with his hand, and said, Come up hither. When she was by his side, she saw many of the saints with the angels. Among them was William Bramah; he shone very bright. Some others she knew also. Our Lord then pointed to the crowns of some saints still on earth, and she understood, by the appearance of some of those crowns, that the persons were in great temptation. Our Lord and the glorious company seemed to sympathize greatly with them, and when by faith they conquered, a jewel was added to the crown, and the whole shone brighter! But every time they gave way to any corruption, a gem dropped out, and the whole crown turned dark! Sometimes there seemed joy in heaven over them; sometimes a kind of mourning. She sat some time in sweet delight, and then awaking, found with amazement she was still in the body!

I am going to . It is a fine opportunity for speaking to a number of the most lively souls, out of various societies, and they begin to inquire all around when I will come. O my God, how these things break me to pieces! What an unworthy worm! If they knew me, how would they be astonished that the Lord should work by such a one as I! But thou canst do whatever seemeth thee good!

March 20.I have been poorly lately with a complaint in my eyes; I can write a little. The cold this winter has been very severe, and I have felt it much. But O how am I indulged! A good house, a bed fit for a king, plenty of fire, food, &c.! while many of my Father’s children know almost the want of all things! I was much affected the other day when the preacher left our house. I thought, if I had in this snow and wind to ride over the moors, and through deep lanes, as he has, I could not sit on my horse. Truly I count it a great honour to be permitted to contribute in the least to their necessities! O let me ever wash the feet of the servants of my Lord!

I feel my soul does come forward. Constancy in early rising is a great blessing to me, both as a Christian, and as a mistress. The other morning I was waked with that word, Ye have need of patience, that after ye have done the will of God, ye may receive the promises. At night, as I was at prayer, that word also came with power, Thou hast kept the word of my patience; I also will keep thee in the hour of temptation ! Amen, Lord Jesus, Amen! Give me to keep the word of thy patience faithful unto the end !

April.My soul, wait thou still upon God, for of him cometh thy salvation. More crosses, more disappointments; but last night I had a ray of faith which revived me. I have of late had a very clear view of the absolute necessity of keeping the mind always stayed on God, from those words: Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Indeed he is a chained dog, and can go no farther than man’s consent will suffer him. His works are chiefly carried on in the chambers of the imagination. These are indeed the chambers of imagery! He fixes his first hold in the imagination, which is the antechamber of the (heart. Afterward he passes on to the passions and affections. These form the passage through which all passes to the heart, both good and evil. If the mind then is engrossed by Satan, and he be suffered to rule there, the benign influence of the Holy Spirit is prevented, and the soul is filled with all evil. Thus, To be carnally minded is death; but to be spiritually minded is life and peace!

April 25.I have had some remarkable answers to prayer of late, and some directions by lot, which I shall lay up in my heart till I see the way of the Lord. O my God, give me just such a situation in every respect as will be most for thy glory! Many blessings also I have of late received in visiting the sick, and strength has been given me above that which is common. I long for a closer walk with my God! O that I may live to God every moment, with every power!

May 6, Sunday.I had liberty this day to entreat the Lord, to show me the surest and shortest way to holiness. Many things were showed me, which I hope to put in practice; but above all, it was impressed on my mind, Live by faith.

The Life Of Mrs. Mary Fletcher - Part The Fourth

Chapter Four